“D”H, cinema, female colleague- update messages

[Anon1234567891]

A couple of months ago I posted about DH going on the odd cinema trip with a female colleague/friend and how on the most recent trip I felt weird/jealous about it. I didn’t think there was anything physical but didn’t know if it was a bit more than friends and felt that he didn’t prioritise going out with me so was annoyed he was going out with her.
We talked and initially he was sympathetic and said he didn’t want to upset me but I asked if he would show me his phone messages to her and he was defensive and cross and wouldn’t even though he said there wasn’t anything “inappropriate”. There were a couple of other things I found he had hidden from me not directly related to this which I was annoyed about but we tried to move on.

But it still bothered me that he wouldn’t show me his messages so the other day I decided to look at his work phone as I couldn’t see his personal one and found these messages on teams.

Relating to the cinema he sent a picture of one of those double lie down beds you get at some cinema’s and said “we could have done sofa bed but a bit OTT for the first date” - it was the “first date” bit that got me.

Then there was one saying “because seats recline going higher than normal please make sure you have underwear on - this time!” She replied “spoil sport”. WTF was that about.

There were also messages about minor work issues where he replied “you are amazing” and “you are always welcome” and one where he put😍after the message.

So is this work banter or something else, there was nothing like this to anyone else. He has banged on for weeks about how I should trust him but if this is on his work phone what’s on his personal.

And to the people that kept telling me men and women can be friends would this make a difference to that opinion, I couldn’t see him sending this to a male friend.

She doesn't need 'even more proof'.
Think she has plenty proof minus actually catching them in the act.

He’s not going to apologise or beg forgiveness as he’s justified his actions to himself and thinks he isn’t doing anything wrong.

But he is and he won’t stop.

So it comes down to forgetting and accepting it. Basically turning a blind eye or leaving. Only you can decide which you want (and can) do. Going over “if only he accepted it and said sorry or told me the whole truth I could
forgive him and move forward” isn’t helping. You may never know the whole truth.

You have no control over someone else’s actions you can only control your reaction to their actions.

THIS!

With bells on.

Op i need to comment on here . I just read you dont understand how why he is saying how much he loves you , he doesn’t want anyone else ect. These things happen when they are worried your on to them about another women . They try everything to get you off their back . This isn’t friendly banter I can promise you that. I don’t think physical yet but this is 100 percent an emotional affair . And if left will turn physical. The only reason it hasn’t is not because your husband is faithful . Because he’s already ruined that. It’s because she either doesn’t want too or she’s not ready yet . I have a feeling she’s married too . The only was this will end is for him to get a new job . And cut all contact . I hope you’re ok . I went through this with my daughter’s father .

deleted. wrong thread

@theheckisgoingon28its etc. not etc

I don’t know why this thread has died, as I think a lot of people have given you excellent advice.

I also think you are doing all the right things. I do think the school should escalate this to the LADO as peer-on-peer abuse.

Anyway, hopefully this is a helpful bump for you.

What are you talking about?

@TidyCyan ,

Apologies, wrong thread!

{lease stay safe and contact Solicitor asap for your rights financially. Women's Aid re his bullying behaviour. If he has to leave the marital home you will see whether OW is serious about him or just a serial flirt. If she stays with her DH and he attempts then to make it up with you, I hope you tell him where to go. Disrespectful POS to treat the Mother of his child the way he has. Pure bred bastard.

I guess that you would assume that if H and OW are regularly on WhatsApp at the same time or within minutes of each other that they are still messaging. He did say he wouldn’t stop altogether as he wasn’t going to ignore her but would try to message less and that it was controlling of me to tell him who he can talk to. I know what you’ll going to say and if I ask him he’ll just deny it. On one hand he’s being nice now, I guess to win me over and stop me leaving but if I question him again he will kick off. I guess that’s my answer, I don’t want to live in this state of paranoia that I don’t trust what he’s doing.

It's not paranoia!

Then don't. Not sure why you're still asking these questions?

I agree with @bigboykitty , you’re not paranoid OP, you’d kist be living with a secret keeper which leaves you with no peace feeling unsafe.

Sounds like he’s completely stringing you along - sorry.

He’s not going to give her up ever he knows he could loose you but she is still more important to him. Can you live with that ? You will never change him (he wants her in his life more than hurting you) also he absolutely know he can have both because he does have both of you and nothing from his point of view needs to change because he knows there are no consequences and never will be. You can only change YOU if you don’t want to be married to a man who doesn’t want to prioritise you, clearly doesn’t care about your feelings, can’t live without OW in his life then stay. This is harsh but until you “get some self respect “ and start to care about yourself because you will never be his priority. My advice would be to leave now this will never get better and he will continue to prioritise his “affair partner “ and you will always be looking over your shoulder and sad for years to come

@Anon1234567891 can you remind me, sorry, how do you know when OW is online on WhatsApp? How did you get her to let you see this/accept your number? Sorry I've missed this.

If you add someone to your contacts and they have WhatsApp, you can see if they're online if their settings allow that. Many cheaters have been found out like this.

Kindly, if you won’t change the situation you have to stop complaining about it. It’s plain as day he is a liar and possibly a cheat. I’m not sure what you’re hanging on for. Abuse only ends when the victim ends it. You have to see what he’s doing for yourself but it’s blindingly obvious to the rest of us. You can’t help those that don’t want to help themselves. Untangle or put up and shut up. Those are the choices.

sorry to be so blunt but I think you need to hear it. I’m not downplaying the difficulty. I walked away from an abuser and it’s the furthest thing from easy but I could see what he was doing.

Yeah I only recently remembered I had her number from a time we went to an exercise class together a couple of years ago

OP, kindly, all you are doing now is suffering. He won't change and does not care that he is hurting you. His selfish wants come first and always will. He expects you to get back in your box and stay there and be a good girl. The question is are you going to let yourself suffocate in that box forever or set yourself free? I think you will stay but I really hope you see the light and get away from this awful man. This is no way to live and you deserve so much more.

@Milosc Thanks, I know you and others are right. I just find it harder when he appears to be being nice, it reminds me of the better times. But that is the cycle things will be better for a while then there will be something else that happens. And “if” he is still messaging her then he’s not really being nice, it’s just for show. I know you’re all right, it’s just hard when things feel more stable.

He's still in relationship with OW and Ur accepting it because he's being 'nice' to you again.
Please prepare your exit.
You will need it at some point when u have actually reached end of the road with him.
Get organised.

I don’t want to live in this state of paranoia that I don’t trust what he’s doing.

But this is your life now for as long as you choose to be with him. You can’t go back to ignorance, and you can’t move forward with trust.

OP I totally understand where you are coming from, I cant remember if I've posted on your thread before.

Each time my husband had an emotional affair and I found out he would shut down and not talk to me, we would ignore each other for days on end until eventually it got swept under the carpet and life carried on. He was nicer, he did more housework and it made it harder to leave especially as we had no money, had children and I couldn't see how he would leave so it was easier to stay.

The brain processes trauma and negative stuff first so it can be hard to recall how bad it was at the time.

Life goes on and you're not even sure of your own mind and its awful.

I had this for years and years, I'm surprised I'm still sane. I'm 8 years out this year and it's funny how very occasion ally things from my marriage pop into my head, things I'd forgotten about or actually just suppressed.

If you want to PM I'd be happy to.
It took me 17 years to leave, the last 7 were because I was waiting for our daughter to reach 18 years old but eventually I left when she was 15.