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Original poster

“D”H, cinema, female colleague- update messages

981 replies

Anon1234567891 · 15/12/2025 09:47

A couple of months ago I posted about DH going on the odd cinema trip with a female colleague/friend and how on the most recent trip I felt weird/jealous about it. I didn’t think there was anything physical but didn’t know if it was a bit more than friends and felt that he didn’t prioritise going out with me so was annoyed he was going out with her.
We talked and initially he was sympathetic and said he didn’t want to upset me but I asked if he would show me his phone messages to her and he was defensive and cross and wouldn’t even though he said there wasn’t anything “inappropriate”. There were a couple of other things I found he had hidden from me not directly related to this which I was annoyed about but we tried to move on.

But it still bothered me that he wouldn’t show me his messages so the other day I decided to look at his work phone as I couldn’t see his personal one and found these messages on teams.

Relating to the cinema he sent a picture of one of those double lie down beds you get at some cinema’s and said “we could have done sofa bed but a bit OTT for the first date” - it was the “first date” bit that got me.

Then there was one saying “because seats recline going higher than normal please make sure you have underwear on - this time!” She replied “spoil sport”. WTF was that about.

There were also messages about minor work issues where he replied “you are amazing” and “you are always welcome” and one where he put😍after the message.

So is this work banter or something else, there was nothing like this to anyone else. He has banged on for weeks about how I should trust him but if this is on his work phone what’s on his personal.

And to the people that kept telling me men and women can be friends would this make a difference to that opinion, I couldn’t see him sending this to a male friend.

OP posts:
kittywittyandpretty · 15/12/2025 11:52

Mumofoneandone · 15/12/2025 11:51

I'd consider tipping off his work place about misuse of work equipment ie nature of messages......... might give him a shake up!!!
But on a serious level, if you can hang on until after Christmas, that's fantastic, before confronting him. If you can't, then deal with it asap so you can get on and enjoy Christmas with your children. Possibly consider asking him to stay elsewhere for the moment if you need some space x

It’s funny you mentioned that but that’s actually how my ex-husband got sacked from an organisation. We both worked for the same company. They knew he was married. He was using the company laptop to send her messages.
And was fired for it

Piknik · 15/12/2025 11:56

Dating in plain sight.

AngelicKaty · 15/12/2025 11:56

@Anon1234567891 You know the answer OP and he lied to you when he said that nothing "inappropriate" was going on because even if they're not having a physical affair (yet), he clearly wants to and this sort of message is inappropriate when he's supposed to be in a committed relationship with you. And please don't be fooled by her being pleasant to you at social gatherings - if they are at it, they'd both get a kick out of "hiding in plain sight" in front of you. The truth is OP, you knew he was up to no good when he wouldn't show you their messages - because why not if they were just boring, work-related comms? If he was totally innocent he would have simply handed his phone over and then enjoyed taking the moral high ground when you found nothing amiss. Except he didn't.
I can't advise you whether to reveal what you know before or after Christmas - only you can say how you would cope in the meantime and judge which would be the lesser of the two evils, but when he gets all indignant about you looking at his phone (as he will), just remind him that you wouldn't have had to if he hadn't lied in the first place!

CurtsyFriends · 15/12/2025 11:58

This isn’t normal banter between colleagues or even friends.

My best friend is male. I love him to bits and the feeling it’s mutual - but purely platonically. We have never once crossed any lines, had any messages like this or anything else inappropriate. Our relationship is very much like siblings.

I also work in a very male dominated industry and likewise, I have never had any messages like this between myself and colleagues. I would have absolutely no problem with my fella reading any messages I have sent or received with my best mate or work friends. He has full access to my phone and knows my pin, likewise I know his. I often go away with male colleagues for work and again there is no worry about it from either side.

ThinIceSkater · 15/12/2025 11:58

Anon1234567891 · 15/12/2025 09:59

Is joking about a first date, talking about someone’s lack of underwear and 😍 banter when he doesn’t do it with anyone else? To me it’s not. Would he have been happy for me to see these messages?

This is not how I interact with male friends or colleagues, and I'd be seriously questioning my marriage if my husband had this type of relationship with a female colleague or friend.

MummyJ36 · 15/12/2025 12:04

That is absolutely not how I would expect anyone to talk to their colleagues, male or female! If I found messages like that on my DH’s phone I would be incredibly shocked and upset.

stargirl27 · 15/12/2025 12:08

I wouldn't feel comfortable with the cinema dates at all, let alone the messages! Really disrespectful imo.

Zov · 15/12/2025 12:08

secretrocker · 15/12/2025 11:41

Funny how these work colleagues that married men have 'banter' with, and share lots of private messages, and private time with are never 58 year old Neville from accounts who has a bald spot, a beer belly, and B.O.

Sure they are, but nobody posts on MN about those friendships. Why would they?

🙄FFS, there's always one!

So men are secretly private messaging their MALE colleagues are they, saying cheeky, sexually charged, intimate things, and cuddling up to 58 year old Neville from accounts in the cinema, who has a bald spot, B.O. and a beer belly, talking about wearing no underpants, and saying how they could have done with a sofa bed for their 'first date!'

Get real mate!

BMW6 · 15/12/2025 12:08

That's not banter. That's sexting and they've been physical already.

Zov · 15/12/2025 12:09

Piknik · 15/12/2025 11:56

Dating in plain sight.

Shagging in plain sight.

ProcrastinatorsAnonymous · 15/12/2025 12:10

This is not banter. This is sexting at best, but probably actually foreplay.

TeenageSu1cideDontDoit · 15/12/2025 12:12

I'd start throwing this back at him. Talk about conversations you've had on nights out with male colleagues where you've talked about not wearing underwear etc. I'll bet he won't like it.

shhblackbag · 15/12/2025 12:12

ProcrastinatorsAnonymous · 15/12/2025 12:10

This is not banter. This is sexting at best, but probably actually foreplay.

This is how it reads to me.

secretrocker · 15/12/2025 12:12

Zov · 15/12/2025 12:08

🙄FFS, there's always one!

So men are secretly private messaging their MALE colleagues are they, saying cheeky, sexually charged, intimate things, and cuddling up to 58 year old Neville from accounts in the cinema, who has a bald spot, B.O. and a beer belly, talking about wearing no underpants, and saying how they could have done with a sofa bed for their 'first date!'

Get real mate!

Show quote history

You really think men aren't friends with, and have banter with other men?
And spending time with, going out together, etc?
The majority of male friendships including private time is with other men, including balding, beer gut types.
You just don't notice it because you're not worried about it.

Zov · 15/12/2025 12:16

secretrocker · 15/12/2025 12:12

You really think men aren't friends with, and have banter with other men?
And spending time with, going out together, etc?
The majority of male friendships including private time is with other men, including balding, beer gut types.
You just don't notice it because you're not worried about it.

Show quote history

If you think the kind of 'banter' men have (that you are talking about,) is even remotely the same as what's going on with the OP's husband and his female colleague, I genuinely feel sorry for you. (If you're a woman.)

Dollymylove · 15/12/2025 12:16

That's not banter
They are shagging

secretrocker · 15/12/2025 12:18

Zov · 15/12/2025 12:16

If you think the kind of 'banter' men have (that you are talking about,) is even remotely the same as what's going on with the OP's husband and his female colleague, I genuinely feel sorry for you. (If you're a woman.)

Show quote history

I didn't say it's the same.
If you look back I have a post where I say I'd be livid if my DH was messaging like that.
I only objected to the "it's never men" aspect of your post.
I'd say it's mostly men.

YRGAM · 15/12/2025 12:20

secretrocker · 15/12/2025 11:41

Funny how these work colleagues that married men have 'banter' with, and share lots of private messages, and private time with are never 58 year old Neville from accounts who has a bald spot, a beer belly, and B.O.

Sure they are, but nobody posts on MN about those friendships. Why would they?

Usually the reason it's not with Neville from accounts is that male friendships, especially when it comes to messaging, don't involve as regular or as deep conversation and interaction as female friendships. As a rule it's just not how men bond. So when a man and a woman are friends, the pace and tone of the friendship is generally set by the woman, and that means female-style messaging frequency.

That being said, this doesn't apply in this case - OPs h is being completely inappropriate and having an emotional affair. Just saying that the'why isn't it Keith from accounts' riposte is flawed imo

YorksMa · 15/12/2025 12:22

That is most definitely not ok - and I'm pretty easygoing. They're either having an affair or they're about to. Open your eyes, please.

WearyAuldWumman · 15/12/2025 12:22

didntlikeanyofthesuggestions · 15/12/2025 09:55

This could just be friendly banter between friends. You must know your DH well enough to know if this is the case.

Banter? No, it's more than that. The 'underwear' comment for a start...

Calamitousness · 15/12/2025 12:23

They are having an affair. It’s not ‘just’ emotional or even inappropriate messages. It’s full blown having sex affair. Get your ducks in a row and speak to a solicitor before you implode your life so that you’re as sorted as you can be. Keep evidence from his phone, send yourself the messages etc. But totally trust yourself. You’re not wrong, woman rarely are when they have a gut feeling.

Imbusytodaysorry · 15/12/2025 12:25

@Anon1234567891 Don’t be gaslighted into believing this is innocent .
Dates
laying down together
And underwear

seriously ?? Not innocent !

blankcanvas3 · 15/12/2025 12:26

I thought it was strange when you first posted. The messages have confirmed this for me. He’s either having an affair or about to have one. DH has a PA and I would consider her his only female work friend. I’ve seen their messages and although friendly, it’s extremely professional still.

Emonade · 15/12/2025 12:28

Anon1234567891 · 15/12/2025 09:59

Is joking about a first date, talking about someone’s lack of underwear and 😍 banter when he doesn’t do it with anyone else? To me it’s not. Would he have been happy for me to see these messages?

imagine this was your friend telling you about her husband doing this what would you say? I imagine it would be that is totally inappropriate and you shouldn’t have to put up with it!!!!

Ophy83 · 15/12/2025 12:30

Some of my best friends are male and DH doesn't mind in the slightest. But I wouldn't send any of them messages like that, nor would I be happy to receive such messages.