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Original poster

“D”H, cinema, female colleague- update messages

981 replies

Anon1234567891 · 15/12/2025 09:47

A couple of months ago I posted about DH going on the odd cinema trip with a female colleague/friend and how on the most recent trip I felt weird/jealous about it. I didn’t think there was anything physical but didn’t know if it was a bit more than friends and felt that he didn’t prioritise going out with me so was annoyed he was going out with her.
We talked and initially he was sympathetic and said he didn’t want to upset me but I asked if he would show me his phone messages to her and he was defensive and cross and wouldn’t even though he said there wasn’t anything “inappropriate”. There were a couple of other things I found he had hidden from me not directly related to this which I was annoyed about but we tried to move on.

But it still bothered me that he wouldn’t show me his messages so the other day I decided to look at his work phone as I couldn’t see his personal one and found these messages on teams.

Relating to the cinema he sent a picture of one of those double lie down beds you get at some cinema’s and said “we could have done sofa bed but a bit OTT for the first date” - it was the “first date” bit that got me.

Then there was one saying “because seats recline going higher than normal please make sure you have underwear on - this time!” She replied “spoil sport”. WTF was that about.

There were also messages about minor work issues where he replied “you are amazing” and “you are always welcome” and one where he put😍after the message.

So is this work banter or something else, there was nothing like this to anyone else. He has banged on for weeks about how I should trust him but if this is on his work phone what’s on his personal.

And to the people that kept telling me men and women can be friends would this make a difference to that opinion, I couldn’t see him sending this to a male friend.

OP posts:
MissDoubleU · 15/12/2025 11:32

No of course to us is inappropriate. The most inappropriate part is that he lied to you to protect the relationship with this OW. If it isn’t physical it’s an emotional affair. He is certainly enjoying all their “dates” together and getting playful and flirty with her when he should be doing that with YOU. When did he last take YOU to the cinema and joke about not wearing underwear?

He is saving all that for her. And he knows it is wrong, which is why he refused to show you. If this is how they talk on teams I dread to think how they talk in their own personal messages.

Whatsthatsheila · 15/12/2025 11:32

Anon1234567891 · 15/12/2025 10:55

I can’t look at his personal phone as I don’t know his PIN. In some ways it does seem to be coming more from him than her apart from some laughing emoji’s but there must have been some point where she said about not having underwear on for those comments. And she doesn’t seem to have shut it down. And on the odd occasion I have been out with them on works nights out including recently and she knows this is going on behind my back. I work with a lot of men and we chat and go on occasional works nights but nothing like this.

What makes me so angry is in the last few weeks he keeps saying he loves me, doesn’t want anyone else but also making out I’m the one being unreasonable.

I didn’t really want to confront him before Christmas as he will know I’ve looked at his phone and probably go mad and I didn’t want it being spoiled for the kids. But it’s being spoiled for me having it hanging over me.
I did think maybe it could be an ego boost, just a bit of fun but the fact he says nothing inappropriate has gone on is obviously a lie!

Get Christmas out of the way but get in to his personal phone!! You need to see that.

my bet is there is something going on though

CalliopeFosterBeauchamp · 15/12/2025 11:33

FartSock5000 · 15/12/2025 09:59

@Anon1234567891 emotional affair that will be heading to a physical one as they push boundaries.

Friends who are just hanging out after work don't joke about wearing panties or hide the messages from their spouses.

He's got a massive crush on her and now he knows you are aware, he will fight to keep her.

It will be up to you if you want to tolerate this. Sometimes, the pain and effort of a split is too much.

I've been where you are now and I made him choose. He chose me but not before he sent her a "my meanie wife says I can't be your pal anymore" message that I have never forgotten.

That “meanie wife” message means (IMO) he’s still prioritising her over you. Are
you still together?

Sundazie · 15/12/2025 11:33

The moment my ex wouldn’t show me his messages when I had similar concerns I knew we had a massive problem. Op he thinks he is dating her, what does that make you. Time to make your escape plan,

Whattodoo8 · 15/12/2025 11:34

Yes it sounds like an affair, even if an emotional one rather than physical. Sorry, OP.

You clearly don’t trust him either. You need to decide what you’ll be willing to put up with, because it doesn’t sound like it’s going away or stopping.

I get that you don’t want to ruin Christmas, but you’re not the one ruining things - he is.

MissDoubleU · 15/12/2025 11:35

I would advise you tell him he can either show you his messages to her (private ones) there and then or he can leave. Do not let him worm away or have a chance to delete them and do not tell him first that you’ve already seen anything inappropriate.

Maybe even tell him you’ve been given information that their relationship is inappropriate. If he won’t give you his phone to see for yourself, tell him he must leave to give you space but you will not be able to trust him. And stick to it. If he does leave and come back suddenly wanting to show you their exchanges, know that they will have been heavily altered. His unwillingness to work with you will be proof enough of where his allegiance lies.

YouAreIn · 15/12/2025 11:35

Whatsthatsheila · 15/12/2025 11:32

Get Christmas out of the way but get in to his personal phone!! You need to see that.

my bet is there is something going on though

Show quote history

Don't bother with his personal phone, the work messages are enough. Who writes this stuff on Teams? He is incredibly disrespectful, he hasn't listened when you have told him you are unhappy and has continued this 'friendship', putting it over your feelings - yes, female friends are fine, but not ones who behave like this. Throw him back OP, he isn't worth it. She can have him.

KittyFinlay · 15/12/2025 11:36

I'm surprised by the responses, I find these messages wildly inappropriate for a married man.

AQuarterAreEmpty · 15/12/2025 11:36

He’s not only risking his marriage but potentially his job as well. That’s a lot to give up just for a “friend”.

secretrocker · 15/12/2025 11:38

My DH has a female friend he sometimes goes to the cinema with.
I'm not too happy about it tbh, but I'd be absolutely livid if I found messages like this.

PotolKimchi · 15/12/2025 11:39

I have some very good male friends at work, a couple who are genuinely good friends. We are all married. I've gone out to see plays 1:1 with them when spouses haven't been interested. But we also hang out as families. And we have never ever ever had any conversation that would describe it as a 'date', and I would literally never ever discuss my underwear with a male colleague. EVER. The only time I have ever discussed underwear with a female colleague was one who had a C section and messaged me in the middle of the night in tears asking if I had any recommendation for comfortable knickers.

This is not banter, this is flirting bordering on an affair.

Zov · 15/12/2025 11:39

This is NOT work banter. They're having an affair. Sorry @Anon1234567891 I really am... You need to gather this evidence, and start collecting it with anything else you have. Don't be that wife who is made a fool of whilst her husband fucks another woman and denies it. Don't allow him to gaslight you. NO-ONE refuses to let someone look at their phone, unless they're up to something.

Funny how these work colleagues that married men have 'banter' with, and share lots of private messages, and private time with are never 58 year old Neville from accounts who has a bald spot, a beer belly, and B.O. Hmm

Ignore the cool wives, they're hilariously deluded...

.

secretrocker · 15/12/2025 11:41

Funny how these work colleagues that married men have 'banter' with, and share lots of private messages, and private time with are never 58 year old Neville from accounts who has a bald spot, a beer belly, and B.O.

Sure they are, but nobody posts on MN about those friendships. Why would they?

usedtobeaylis · 15/12/2025 11:41

Its not friendly banter. Its inappropriate messaging with a woman.

Nanny0gg · 15/12/2025 11:42

Anon1234567891 · 15/12/2025 09:59

Is joking about a first date, talking about someone’s lack of underwear and 😍 banter when he doesn’t do it with anyone else? To me it’s not. Would he have been happy for me to see these messages?

It's not banter. It's very inappropriate

And I can't believe that's on his work phone!

Surely a disciplinary at the least if they're caught?

GingerBeverage · 15/12/2025 11:42

Colleagues who are just friends do not talk about underwear or 'first dates'.

But you know this.

LeftieRightsHoarder · 15/12/2025 11:43

didntlikeanyofthesuggestions · 15/12/2025 09:55

This could just be friendly banter between friends. You must know your DH well enough to know if this is the case.

No way is this normal banter between a married man and a female colleague!

Lmnop22 · 15/12/2025 11:45

didntlikeanyofthesuggestions · 15/12/2025 09:55

This could just be friendly banter between friends. You must know your DH well enough to know if this is the case.

Come on, I have never once called a meet up with a friend a “first date” and I have never once discussed with a friend the presence or otherwise of my underwear!

Focusispower · 15/12/2025 11:47

I have male colleagues/ former colleagues who are friends. I’d go for dinner with them 1 on 1 and same for gigs etc.and some of them I’ve known for years. We have lots of banter. But I’d never, EVER, send or tolerate messages like the ones your DH has sent. There is a line to preserve in male/female friendships and banter or otherwise that is even remotely suggestive would be a hard no from me in our friendship. I personally don’t think he’s been appropriate and you are right to call him out. Even if nothing has happened - messages of a sexual nature between platonic friends or that have overblown praise would make me uncomfortable and are not acceptable. I’d be inclined to think that he wants to cheat even if he hasn’t.

nomas · 15/12/2025 11:48

Urgh, what a disgusting pig, he is angling after her.

Do you want to stay with him or dump him?

TheCurious0range · 15/12/2025 11:49

I have lots of male friends due to the field I work in, one of my two closest friends is also male, we go to the cinema, dinner, drinks, lots of banter. Never would we send messages like this. If he hasn't crossed a physical line yet, he wants to

AbbaCadaBra · 15/12/2025 11:49

didntlikeanyofthesuggestions · 15/12/2025 09:55

This could just be friendly banter between friends. You must know your DH well enough to know if this is the case.

What?!!!? Banter? Really? It doesn't sound like it to me. Not when dates with his own wife don't happen as much.

My opinion is that this is out of order. Op, I don't want to get you riled up because you need to keep a cool head, but this doesn't sound like work banter to me. If it is it needs to stop because it is unprofessional and disrespectful to you and, no doubt, other colleagues.

If it is just banter it is still out of order and overstepping the mark. There are other things they can banter about apart from underwear and "dates".

tlofmlwcharlie · 15/12/2025 11:50

Totally inappropriate.
I then went and read your other thread which started in October where you were concerned about the cinema trips, several times a year.
That's inappropriate too. I know some people are cool with it but I think if it's something like that on a regular basis it can turn into something else with time. Giving them the benefit of the doubt, perhaps it was just two friends with an interest in horror movies which no one else in their friendship circle wants to see.
But
on that thread you reveal he had a secret credit card which he used to buy viagra which he claimed he needed because it took you a long time to get going due to your age.
And now you've read these messages which some people on this thread want to write off as friendly banter between friends.

I'm sorry OP, but the combination of all those things, (the cinema trips, secret credit card, viagra, messages about no knickers), would suggest that these two are already having an affair.

I think you should take some time to think about what you are going to do and what a split would look like. You should kick the bastard out, but give yourself some time to think about various scenarios and to get some legal advice about divorce.

Mumofoneandone · 15/12/2025 11:51

I'd consider tipping off his work place about misuse of work equipment ie nature of messages......... might give him a shake up!!!
But on a serious level, if you can hang on until after Christmas, that's fantastic, before confronting him. If you can't, then deal with it asap so you can get on and enjoy Christmas with your children. Possibly consider asking him to stay elsewhere for the moment if you need some space x

kittywittyandpretty · 15/12/2025 11:51

If HR read those messages, they’d go bloody ballistic
Not normal, not friendly

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