“D”H, cinema, female colleague- update messages

[Anon1234567891]

A couple of months ago I posted about DH going on the odd cinema trip with a female colleague/friend and how on the most recent trip I felt weird/jealous about it. I didn’t think there was anything physical but didn’t know if it was a bit more than friends and felt that he didn’t prioritise going out with me so was annoyed he was going out with her.
We talked and initially he was sympathetic and said he didn’t want to upset me but I asked if he would show me his phone messages to her and he was defensive and cross and wouldn’t even though he said there wasn’t anything “inappropriate”. There were a couple of other things I found he had hidden from me not directly related to this which I was annoyed about but we tried to move on.

But it still bothered me that he wouldn’t show me his messages so the other day I decided to look at his work phone as I couldn’t see his personal one and found these messages on teams.

Relating to the cinema he sent a picture of one of those double lie down beds you get at some cinema’s and said “we could have done sofa bed but a bit OTT for the first date” - it was the “first date” bit that got me.

Then there was one saying “because seats recline going higher than normal please make sure you have underwear on - this time!” She replied “spoil sport”. WTF was that about.

There were also messages about minor work issues where he replied “you are amazing” and “you are always welcome” and one where he put😍after the message.

So is this work banter or something else, there was nothing like this to anyone else. He has banged on for weeks about how I should trust him but if this is on his work phone what’s on his personal.

And to the people that kept telling me men and women can be friends would this make a difference to that opinion, I couldn’t see him sending this to a male friend.

I would say to him: will you be going commando on your next cinema date with (name) or is that just her?

Then watch his face as the penny drops.

I would also have his bags packed ready for him as no way would I tolerate this bullshit.

why is he going with her to the cinema in the first place?

The comments on the work phone are more than enough to show that he has certain feelings about her, so even if he hasn't acted on them he is crossing a line by going out with her just the two of them when they are so flirty with each other.. what a pig.

Think about it if it was a male friend he was talking to. Then would he typically make the same jokes or comments? Similarly, if it was you and a male friend, would you deem this appropriate?
If the answer is no then you have your answer.
I have male friends. We don't speak to each other like this.

I am 100% sure that he would not be happy if your male friend told you to wear underwear "this time" and mentioned a first date.

FFS! It's definitely massively inappropriate 'banter' between work colleagues on their work Teams messaging system.

the underwear stuff is over the line, banter or not.

everyone has their own boundaries if this is yours, you need to have it out.

I would also say if you have gotten to the point where you are sneaking his work or personal phone to read his messages, the trust has gone regardless so you to confront the issue head on.

I would never send those kind of messages to my friends . Come on

Yeah, I'm very laid back too and very trusting of my DH. This though, is a disgusting breach of trust. I don't know if I'd be putting my ducks in a row at this point or not, but I'd certainly be finding out where my ducks were. This is a hell of a lot more than banter. I couldn't continue in my marriage without addressing it

Trust your instincts. My DH has had numerous female friends all of whom I have had no qualms about as they made it clear I was always welcome and I never felt like the odd one out if all three of us were in the room together. I am also friendly with them and have girly chats. I am pretty sure he lets of steam with them and discusses minor tiffs with them, but that is what you do with friends.

But, a few years ago a new female work colleague came on the scene and I do not like this "friend" relationship at all. I do not trust her and my husband can be naïve. I have told him how I feel but he thinks I am paranoid but I am trusting my gut and watching very carefully because whilst he has always been happy for me to have access to his phone, as he has to mine, that now seems to have stopped with the stupidest of pretexts that has so many holes in it.

So listen to your gut and monitor is my advice.

Oh fgs op wake up. You’re being played for a fool. He’s having his cake and eating it right under your nose - committed men who are happy in their relationships don’t do this.

This is more than friends. I have male friends, and I have never once referred to hanging out with them as a ‘date’ and they’ve never made jokes about my underwear. This is heavy flirting. If he’s not already sleeping with her, it’s 100% an emotional affair and heading that way. I’m sorry.

I wouldn’t confront him yet. Get more evidence. Can you get access to his personal phone? The fact that he wouldn’t let you see it means he’s hiding much more. Since you’ve asked he could be being more vigilant and deleting her messages, or her name will be saved as someone else. Dig deep!

No, and no. Somethings going on or about to be. Sorry op.

Not sure how you kept your cool if you’ve recently seen her at his Xmas work do . You’re a better person than me

Absolutely.

He's already having an affair. At this stage I wouldn't give a shit if he knew I'd looked at his phone.

The only question now is what do you want to do? I would recommend the forum on Surviving Infidelity. You'll get great non-judgemental advice from people who've been there.

I’ve had mixed friendship groups since I was a teen so am usually an advocate for “it doesn’t mean anything is going on” but none of my male friends ever reference meet ups as dates, anything to do with underwear, or send heart eye emojis (except for perhaps when they’re talking about a dinner they’ve just eaten or their football team winning lol). I also don’t do one on one meet ups with them at more intimate settings such as a restaurant or the cinema with the ones that have partners because I wouldn’t want their partners to misconstrue it as anything it’s not. What OP has described isn’t typical friend territory.

My husband has female colleagues he has lunch with etc and he doesn't speak to them like this.... Either something is going on, or they want it to.

You don't have to doubt yourself, OP. You are only doubting yourself because HE is making you out to seem unreasonable. HIM – the guy that won't let you see his phone, 'jokes' about women at work not wearing underwear, 'jokes' about reclining cinema beds on a 'date'.

Jesus, let that really sink in.

I have never, ever, known any decent man with nothing to hide, not happily allow his partner the choice to look at messages if they have concerns. That's what I would do, that's what anyone in a loving, faithful relationship does. And I have never known any decent man to bring such sexual innuendo into conversations with their 'friends'.

He is annoyed at you because you are spoiling his perusal of another woman.

Please stand up for yourself.

If you don’t have the PIN to his personal phone, I think you need to sit down with him and say (very calmly and without mentioning that you’ve seen the teams messages) that the issue is still playing on your mind, and the fact that he won’t show you the messages is making you feel very uncomfortable.

Don’t be emotional or respond to any baiting about how you might be intruding on his privacy, you don’t trust him etc. Just repeat that this is extremely important to you, and if he wants you to trust him he needs to extend you the trust and share the messages. If he cares and respects the relationship and there’s nothing going on, he’ll put your mind at ease.

If he really won’t show you, then I really do think there’s something to hide. It’s up to you whether you want to tactically show him photos of the teams messages, but I suspect he’ll deny and try to turn it round onto you violating his privacy.

Make sure you tell him that he needs to show you any messages now, at the moment that you’ve asked rather than changing his mind and showing you later, or you won’t ever be able to believe that he hasn’t deleted messages and hidden things from you.

If you do plan to reveal the teams messages, make sure you ask whether he’s ever said anything inappropriate to her before showing them. Catch him in the lie if he plans to lie about it.

Really sorry this is happening. Big hug.

You're obviously really unhappy about this and you don't need the validation of strangers on Mumsnet to justify your feelings.

FWIW, though, these would be my feelings on the matter:

• Going to the cinema with a friend of the opposite sex (irrelevant whether they're also a colleague) - totally fine and normal, especially if there's a type of film they like and you don't, not a problem for me
• The heart-eyes emoji and the 'you're amazing' - totally fine, they're not something people typically mean to be taken literally
• The joke about the bed in the cinema - not fine at all
• The joke about wearing no underwear - not fine at all, really crossing a line

I think the most notable thing is that it's your husband who is instigating all the flirting here. It's not the colleague who is making a point of talking about beds and underwear here. He's the one pushing the conversation in that direction and she's making fairly bland, jokey replies. I've got plenty of male friends and we joke around a lot but I wouldn't send them stuff about double beds and underwear and they wouldn't instigate that sort of joke with me, ever. If one of us said something by mistake that could be a double entendre or whatever, the other one might make a jokey reply but none of my male friends would instigate flirty conversations like that and I wouldn't either.

You have a ringside seat of your DH getting to know and date a new girlfriend.

I think the messages are a little risque BUT these are the sort of messages I could send to a few guys at work knowing full well there is absolutely nothing between us, i.e. they're gay, or just have that sort of banter. Of course, there are the rest of them where I would definitely definitely would not.
I think the more worrying thing is the fact that he wouldn't show you his phone. He absolutely has something to hide. Sorry OP x

Op wake up he's literally taking the piss out of you and the whole thing is completely inappropriate this is not banter at all I would be telling him straight you have seen the phone and you want him to leave it won't ruin Christmas don't be his mug fgs

I have male colleagues that I go to the cinema with. We don't message each other like that. We talk about everything from porn and masturbation to what's going on with our parents and siblings - if either of our partners overheard or saw messages, they would not think anything of it.

I say this because those messages are flirty and inappropriate, and your partner didn't want you to see them. That's not normal and you know it. I'm so sorry.

really? because if my husband had 'banter' like that with a female 'friend' I would leave him. I clearly dont fall into 'cool wife' catagory though