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Original poster

Date cancelled yet again. Did I do something wrong?

219 replies

Forfucksake84 · 14/12/2025 15:21

Ie been talking to a guy for 2 weeks who has been the most emotionally attentive and consistent anyone has been for a long time. He seems to be genuinely looking for a serious relationship which is more than can be said for most people online. Lots of compliments, saying he wants me in his life etc. We were due to have a date yesterday and he cancelled on the morning of the date saying he had dental pain and a swollen face, and didn't want to meet me when feeling like that. ( earlier in the week he'd mentioned he'd had a procedure)I told him he should have told me the night before but he said he'd been really looking forward to it so thought hed just put up with niggling pain, but this pain he could not put up with. He was very apologetic about it etc and promised he'd make it up to me. I have a long history of being last down by dates at late notice over the last couple of years, and I told him it was becoming a literal joke at this stage and that I'd been let down a lot before. But I said that I took his word for it, and that we could reschedule and asked if he'd managed to get antibiotics. This was at 4pm yesterday and he never replied. I sent another message this morning just to ask if his teeth were feeling better and to reassure him not yo feel bad about cancelling as it wasn't his fault. He's still not replied. Have i done something wrong in mentioning my history of repeated date cancelling?Im an overthinker and he seemed so keen before.

OP posts:
Catza · 14/12/2025 17:32

OhNoMyLovely · 14/12/2025 17:19

And you're missing the point.

She fed his vanity and allowed him to talk nonsense and carry on talking.

She did something wrong by being too attentive and too trusting and running after him like a mother hen, talking about his meds for one thing, and the other was saying she was tired of being let down.

He would not respect any woman falling for the crap he was spouting.
Men like to work harder.

Edited
Show quote history

No, I think you are very much missing the point. If he was feeding her crap, he is not the guy she'd want to be dating. If he was "testing" her to see if she maintains detachment so he can "work harder", he is not the guy she'd want to be dating.
We can spend our lives editing ourselves to "get it right" for a very questionable benefit of being with a flakey guy who "likes to chase" or we can actually show up as messy, imperfect selves and meet a genuine person who doesn't care for games.

It's damn impossible to get things wrong with the right guy because the right guy will be communicating with clarity and aiming to resolve misunderstandings. That's a basics requirement for a potential relationship. A guy who "feeds crap" and "likes to work harder" can go back where he came from.

Sundazie · 14/12/2025 17:35

I would say 2 weeks of constant talking and messaging someone you don’t know sounds a lot. I think it’s easy to become over invested before actually meeting. Keep messaging minimal and meet faster would be my advice or you are wasting your time.

BerryTwister · 14/12/2025 17:37

Forfucksake84 · 14/12/2025 17:03

What is a good thing to say then when someone cancels at last minute, and you're not sure whether to believe them or not

“Ah that’s a shame, but no worries, hope you feel better soon. Did you want to reschedule, or wait till you’re feeling better?”

If they do the same again, then you can show some frustration.

If I’d arranged a date and then developed tonsillitis, for example, I’d want to cancel. If I got a sarky reply about being let down etc, it would put me off meeting the person.

vitalityvix · 14/12/2025 17:38

My DH cancelled our first two dates. We met in 2021 and swapped numbers. Our first date got cancelled because his housemates got covid and my family member was having chemo, didn’t seem worth the risk. The second ‘first date’ got cancelled a week or so later because he had some sniffles and didn’t feel great. I told him that was a shame, but I wasn’t looking for a penpal, so I’d be moving on. He immediately apologised and reassured me that he was keen to meet, and we did a few days later. Engaged less than a year later!

AgapanthusPink · 14/12/2025 17:38

But I said that I took his word for it and asked him if he’d managed to get antibiotics But that definitely sounds like you don’t believe him. ‘But I said I took his word for it’ can be interpreted as ‘I don’t believe you but I’ll let it go this time’. You don’t know him. He owes you nothing and bringing up the fact you always get let down at the last moment by other men is nothing to do with him. If I had got that message from you I wouldn’t respond and probably just block.

All you needed to say was ‘Oh that’s a shame. Hope you feel better soon. Get back to me when you want to arrange something’ and leave the ball in his court.

flickeringflame5 · 14/12/2025 17:39

EvangelicalAboutButteredToast · 14/12/2025 17:30

He’s a time waster and my suspicion is the cancellation is nothing to do with dental work and much more likely he isn’t really single, I bet it’s a ‘its complicated’ kind of scenario and if not that then there’s something else at play that is absolutely nothing to do with you.

This is one hell of an assumption based on what op has said. You could be right but it’s a bit of a stretch imo.

Lifeislove · 14/12/2025 17:41

Forfucksake84 · 14/12/2025 17:03

What is a good thing to say then when someone cancels at last minute, and you're not sure whether to believe them or not

From my experience of OLD I found the best way was a video chat prior to any dates IRL.
This suggestion early on (as I cannot stand endless messaging) weeded out any 'time wasters' but also the odd fake profile (romance scammer types and as I'm older I've noticed I seem to attract those 🙄, recently had 5 emails in a week from Hinge saying someone who'd liked/ I liked/ interacted with had been removed).

A video date just for a chat reveals so much. Saves wasting time on both sides.

Who knows what this bloke was about but don't worry about it. Next time quick video chat first. Then if there's a spark or it flows, arrange a meet up whilst at the end of the call.

Omgblueskys · 14/12/2025 17:41

Op not sure how old you are, but please please ' play hard to get' play everything down, even if you believe them play it down, wait for them to reach out, I personally wouldn't of made contact, you'll never know for sure if what he's saying is true, but you do need to play cool,
If he does reply you hold off from returning a reply even till the next day,

I do hope he does get intouch, but honestly moving forwards you really do have to play hard/cool,

I don't believe even in pain he couldn't reply to your last two msg, but that's just me op,

Whyst · 14/12/2025 17:43

Forfucksake84 · 14/12/2025 17:03

What is a good thing to say then when someone cancels at last minute, and you're not sure whether to believe them or not

Never believe them. They have no intention of meeting you. And it’s rude and ignorant to cancel plans last minute. If they cancel do not reply at all.

Whyst · 14/12/2025 17:44

BerryTwister · 14/12/2025 17:37

“Ah that’s a shame, but no worries, hope you feel better soon. Did you want to reschedule, or wait till you’re feeling better?”

If they do the same again, then you can show some frustration.

If I’d arranged a date and then developed tonsillitis, for example, I’d want to cancel. If I got a sarky reply about being let down etc, it would put me off meeting the person.

Show quote history

You wouldn’t develop tonsillitis an hour before a date. It’s bullshit. They’re lying.

Dery · 14/12/2025 17:44

“WelshRabBite · Today 16:16
OP, I need you to write 100 lines of “it all means nothing until we’ve met in person, and sometimes, even then, it STILL means nothing.”
Then read those 100 lines any time you start messaging a man from a dating app.
Some men are just on there for an ego boost and never intend to meet anyone, some are married/have a partner, some are players, some are arseholes, some are nothing like the image they portray on the app, and some just aren’t suited for you.
Invest NOTHING until you’ve met them in person, you just won’t see a decent return on that investment.”

This with bells on. And when he said he needed to cancel, one of the sympathetic but brief messages described above would have been perfect. Then you should have left it to him to get back in touch with you if he wanted to follow up. Telling him off was also a mistake; it made you sound bruised and vulnerable.

But never mind, OP. We’ve all said and done the wrong thing in a dating context. You live and learn. When my mum, my sister and i were all single and dating in the 1990s, we quickly learnt that if a man was really interested, he would be quick to fix up a date. Anything else either meant he wasn’t really interested or he wasn’t really available. And either way, he was no use to us!

MaplePumpkin · 14/12/2025 17:46

Forfucksake84 · 14/12/2025 17:03

What is a good thing to say then when someone cancels at last minute, and you're not sure whether to believe them or not

As frustrating as it is, it’s not his fault other men have done this to you before. I’d have just focused on him and not brought up previous men who have failed you.
I think you were right to call him out though and tell him he should have let you know earlier.
This guy does sound a bit of a non starter though. He’s said far too much considering he doesn’t know you yet, it sounds like he’s just retina to reel you in. A lot of these men just want a pen pal, someone to text and give them some attention, but they can’t actually be bothered meeting and having a proper relationship. The right one wil come along!

AngelinaFibres · 14/12/2025 17:46

Forfucksake84 · 14/12/2025 17:03

What is a good thing to say then when someone cancels at last minute, and you're not sure whether to believe them or not

Thumbs up emoji then no further comments until they text to rearrange. Get on with your life and don't give them another thought. If they apologise and suggest another date its your choice whether you go or not

abracadabra1980 · 14/12/2025 17:47

I get bad and needy vibes just from reading what you've written here. If I was him I'd run a mile.

BerryTwister · 14/12/2025 18:05

Whyst · 14/12/2025 17:44

You wouldn’t develop tonsillitis an hour before a date. It’s bullshit. They’re lying.

Show quote history

@Whyst I’ll need to read it again but I’m pretty sure OP said he cancelled on the morning of an evening date, said he’d thought he’d be Ok, but still wasn’t feeling well enough. Of course it might be a lie, but it might not.

Original poster
Forfucksake84 · 14/12/2025 18:09

No he was due to meet me at 1pm and cancelled at about 9. There was no mention of it the night before. Should I really be completely written off due to one less than perfect response fuelled busy the frustration of constant let downs.

OP posts:
Original poster
Forfucksake84 · 14/12/2025 18:10

abracadabra1980 · 14/12/2025 17:47

I get bad and needy vibes just from reading what you've written here. If I was him I'd run a mile.

Thanks for that. There's nothing needy in what I said, just honesty and mild frustration

OP posts:
BerryTwister · 14/12/2025 18:15

Forfucksake84 · 14/12/2025 18:09

No he was due to meet me at 1pm and cancelled at about 9. There was no mention of it the night before. Should I really be completely written off due to one less than perfect response fuelled busy the frustration of constant let downs.

@Forfucksake84 it’s up to him if he sees your mildly pissed off reply as a red flag. That’s his prerogative.

You’ve had lots of people cancel on you before, which makes you extra sensitive about this. He may have had other negative experiences which make him sensitive about things too. That’s why it’s best to keep these emotions in check until you know someone better.

There’s a fine line between having reasonable boundaries, and being excessively stroppy.

arethereanyleftatall · 14/12/2025 18:16

Forfucksake84 · 14/12/2025 18:10

Thanks for that. There's nothing needy in what I said, just honesty and mild frustration

Show quote history

Yes, there is. The fact that you’ve started a thread about this, keep over analysing what you did wrong, giving this head space etc etc
the sought after women are the ones not giving this any head space whatsoever. Not dual texting. Not even thinking about it. That one message told him everything.

Pollqueen · 14/12/2025 18:18

blacksax · 14/12/2025 15:33

I see this all the time on Mumsnet.

Man does something shitty, unpleasant, or just flaky, thoughtless or inconsiderate.

Woman starts thread asking "What did I do wrong?"

AAARGHHHH. Why do so many women blame themselves for the shitty, unpleasant, flaky, thoughtless, inconsiderate behaviour of men? JUST WHY?

This. He's either a faker or got a better offer. Move on, you did nothing wrong

tlofmlwcharlie · 14/12/2025 18:18

I told him he should have told me the night before but he said he'd been really looking forward to it so thought hed just put up with niggling pain, but this pain he could not put up with. He was very apologetic about it etc and promised he'd make it up to me. I have a long history of being last down by dates at late notice over the last couple of years, and I told him it was becoming a literal joke at this stage and that I'd been let down a lot before. But I said that I took his word for it, and that we could reschedule and asked if he'd managed to get antibiotics. This was at 4pm yesterday and he never replied

I wouldn't have replied to you either. In fact I had someone behave similarly after I'd had a dental procedure. It wasn't to do with cancelling a date but I'd messaged saying I was in a bit of pain so was going to try to get my head down for a bit and I'd message him in the morning. He then sent a load of messages asking if I wasn't into him and that I was making excuses. Er no, I wasn't, it was hurting a bit and I just wanted some rest. I can't remember what I messaged to him but I said I wasn't interested in meeting up any more.

I get you've been let down and it's disappointing and annoying but it wasn't this bloke's fault that others let you down. Dental pain is really unpleasant. I'm not surprised he hasn't replied.
All you had to do was say "Ok, hope you feel better soon and we can reschedule a date when you're feeling better".

However, that said, I think it's probably a good thing that he hasn't replied because he sounds totally over the top going on about wanting you in his life when you've been messaging for 2 weeks and haven't even met each other.

OhNoMyLovely · 14/12/2025 18:19

@Catza You're pretty much the odd one out on this thread because most people didn't believe him and thought OP was far too trusting and overly keen.

OhNoMyLovely · 14/12/2025 18:20

How old are you OP?

EvangelicalAboutButteredToast · 14/12/2025 18:22

flickeringflame5 · 14/12/2025 17:39

This is one hell of an assumption based on what op has said. You could be right but it’s a bit of a stretch imo.

Show quote history

I was on dating sites for a loooooooong time. The amount of people that were just on there to have their egos stroked and enjoy the thrill of the chase but when it came time to meet would just disappear. Happened all the time.

ItsAHare · 14/12/2025 18:23

He explained that he’d been really looking forward to your date - which tracks with how keen he’d been - and believed he’d be okay, but when it turned out he wasn’t he apologised and offered to make it up to you. He’d already told you he’d had some dental work earlier in the week, so it’s entirely possible his story was true, and it sounds like he understood why you were annoyed and didn’t want to blow it.

If he was being honest, suggesting that being cancelled on was “becoming a literal joke” and saying you’d “take his word for it” (suggesting you didn’t believe him) probably put him off. You hadn’t even been on one date - he wasn’t likely to bother following up with someone who was blaming him for other men’s behaviour and implying he was a liar!

It’s probably for the best, regardless of whether he was telling the truth or not, though. Nobody who you’ve been speaking to for two weeks should be telling you they want you in their life, and paying “lots of compliments” before you’ve even met smacks of love bombing. If something similar happens again in future, don’t show that you’re feeling vulnerable - just send an “oh no, hope you’re feeling better soon” message and wait for them to contact you.