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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Date cancelled yet again. Did I do something wrong?

219 replies

Forfucksake84 · 14/12/2025 15:21

Ie been talking to a guy for 2 weeks who has been the most emotionally attentive and consistent anyone has been for a long time. He seems to be genuinely looking for a serious relationship which is more than can be said for most people online. Lots of compliments, saying he wants me in his life etc. We were due to have a date yesterday and he cancelled on the morning of the date saying he had dental pain and a swollen face, and didn't want to meet me when feeling like that. ( earlier in the week he'd mentioned he'd had a procedure)I told him he should have told me the night before but he said he'd been really looking forward to it so thought hed just put up with niggling pain, but this pain he could not put up with. He was very apologetic about it etc and promised he'd make it up to me. I have a long history of being last down by dates at late notice over the last couple of years, and I told him it was becoming a literal joke at this stage and that I'd been let down a lot before. But I said that I took his word for it, and that we could reschedule and asked if he'd managed to get antibiotics. This was at 4pm yesterday and he never replied. I sent another message this morning just to ask if his teeth were feeling better and to reassure him not yo feel bad about cancelling as it wasn't his fault. He's still not replied. Have i done something wrong in mentioning my history of repeated date cancelling?Im an overthinker and he seemed so keen before.

OP posts:
somanychristmaslights · 14/12/2025 16:24

He wants you in his life after 2 weeks? My goodness don’t be a fool.

Catpiece · 14/12/2025 16:26

He’s nothing to you and you’re nothing to him after two weeks. Sorry.

GentlemanJay · 14/12/2025 16:26

Floorclean · 14/12/2025 15:35

Lots of compliments, saying he wants me in his life etc

I am correct in thinking you haven’t actually met in RL?!

This. Bingo. You did say you had a habit of over thinking.

smallsilvercloud · 14/12/2025 16:27

Time to get brutal, stop believing in them, sadly unless a date is ultra keen to meet within a week, has a time and place confirmed, it’s not real, if they cancel on me, I’ve not given a second chance. Yes cancellations have happened to me, I just stopped engaging, I don’t care about the excuses, if they can’t be organised, they aren’t a good fit for me. Then you still need caution with 2nd and 3rd dates, they are strangers that you are slowly getting to know.

MouseCheese87 · 14/12/2025 16:27

I think your message was a bit over the top but I get why you felt like that. A lot of people like the idea of meeting but in the end they don't have the nerve, they're too shy or they're already wirh someone/ married and just wanted the thrill of messaging someone else. The first time he cancelled I'd probably give the benefit of the doubt but after that I wouldn't bother with him. You've told him how you feel and he's not replied so I'd be inclined to think he never was going to meet you. Either way, there's nothing you can do about it now, other than wait to see if he gets in touch.

NigelForage · 14/12/2025 16:28

Next time when someone cancels do not reply to them, do not say that's okay just totally ignore them and see if they come back

TwistedWonder · 14/12/2025 16:30

NigelForage · 14/12/2025 16:28

Next time when someone cancels do not reply to them, do not say that's okay just totally ignore them and see if they come back

Agree with this. Life happens and sometimes cancellations are genuine but I would event the person cancelling to make the first move to apologise and suggest a rearranged date.

If they don’t then I would write them off

bignewprinz · 14/12/2025 16:39

I'd start with the assumption that every man on OLD is a lying weirdo, until they prove otherwise.

Keep pre-date messaging to the bare minimum. If you meet up and like one another, then start the messaging. But before hand, don't let them know where you live, your surname or where you work (see below).

I went on Tinder once. Went out for something to eat, nice enough guy but no spark. When he asked to meet again I said no.

In response, he found me on Facebook and messaged ALL my connections (complete strangers to him) calling me a 'slag'. It was bloody scary.

Sleetwaves · 14/12/2025 16:43

You both sound pretty intense to be honest.

CurlewKate · 14/12/2025 16:44

I probably wouldn’t reply after your message-it sounds as if you don’t believe him!

LadyFlumpalot · 14/12/2025 16:48

I’m probably wide of the mark, but I’d put money on it that he’s married or in a long term relationship. It sounds to me like he never intended on meeting you, was having fun flirting and love bombing you then boom, last minute medical emergency designed to make you go “oh no, poor you, rest up”

Just my gut feeling based on all the people over the years I have read about and experienced who ALWAYS have a medical emergency (or their mum/child/partner had a medical emergency) to blame for why they can’t meet up/process the refund/send the package.

Original poster
Forfucksake84 · 14/12/2025 16:48

CurlewKate · 14/12/2025 16:44

I probably wouldn’t reply after your message-it sounds as if you don’t believe him!

Bit I said that I took his word for it and asked him if hed managed to get antibiotics

OP posts:
paddleboardingmum · 14/12/2025 16:50

You've invested WAY too much in somebody you've never met. Next time dont invest anything. And you need to let go of past people, don't take that out on new people. It does sound like you were having a go at him- why ask if he has antibiotics? this would piss most adults off I'm sure he's capable of looking after himself. Delete his number and move on.

Catza · 14/12/2025 16:51

Forfucksake84 · 14/12/2025 15:50

But km not joking, im cancelled, usually at late notice by approximately 80% of dates. Im actually surprised if they turn up. My reaction was just a hjmmsn response. I was looking forward to meeting him and was obviously disappointed at being let down. I try to be an honest person, but maybe I shouldn't have mentioned the previous cancellations. I dud try and reassure him in the morning though with a nice message

I’ll say it loud because it needs shouting from the rooftop: YOU DID NOT DO ANYTHING WRONG!!!!

First of all, 90% of online matches either disappear, never make a date or cancel at the last minute. This is what dating is like and has been for a while (particularly since 2020).
Secondly, no emotionally healthy person is going to declare wanting you in their life before the first date. No emotionally healthy person is going to declare that before at least a few months into regular dating. This is lovebombing 101. Designed to manipulate.
More importantly, if the person is a long-term partner material, they have to accept you as you are. If you “did something wrong” then they are not your person. Stop editing yourself for men.
Cut and run. Block and delete. Move on to the next one.

WildPrimrose · 14/12/2025 16:53

Forfucksake84 · 14/12/2025 16:48

Bit I said that I took his word for it and asked him if hed managed to get antibiotics

Show quote history

He’s a grown man, you don’t have to mother him. I’d go silent until he replies and stay silent if he doesn’t text again.

Original poster
Forfucksake84 · 14/12/2025 16:53

Catza · 14/12/2025 16:51

I’ll say it loud because it needs shouting from the rooftop: YOU DID NOT DO ANYTHING WRONG!!!!

First of all, 90% of online matches either disappear, never make a date or cancel at the last minute. This is what dating is like and has been for a while (particularly since 2020).
Secondly, no emotionally healthy person is going to declare wanting you in their life before the first date. No emotionally healthy person is going to declare that before at least a few months into regular dating. This is lovebombing 101. Designed to manipulate.
More importantly, if the person is a long-term partner material, they have to accept you as you are. If you “did something wrong” then they are not your person. Stop editing yourself for men.
Cut and run. Block and delete. Move on to the next one.

Show quote history

Thanks for saying that. Because a lot of people here seem to be saying I aid the wrong thing. All I did was express my frustration, not accuse him of lying. I thrn followed up with a friendly message this morning

OP posts:
WildPrimrose · 14/12/2025 16:53

Catza · 14/12/2025 16:51

I’ll say it loud because it needs shouting from the rooftop: YOU DID NOT DO ANYTHING WRONG!!!!

First of all, 90% of online matches either disappear, never make a date or cancel at the last minute. This is what dating is like and has been for a while (particularly since 2020).
Secondly, no emotionally healthy person is going to declare wanting you in their life before the first date. No emotionally healthy person is going to declare that before at least a few months into regular dating. This is lovebombing 101. Designed to manipulate.
More importantly, if the person is a long-term partner material, they have to accept you as you are. If you “did something wrong” then they are not your person. Stop editing yourself for men.
Cut and run. Block and delete. Move on to the next one.

Show quote history

^ This 100%

outerspacepotato · 14/12/2025 16:55

He is love bombing you before you even met. This was a not how a healthy relationship starts.

He said the things you wanted to hear and you bit.

Red flags all the way.

Don't invest so fast. Take your time. Read up on red flags.

BerryTwister · 14/12/2025 16:57

OP if a first date cancels on the day there are basically 2 reasons for it.
Either they’re messing you around, or they have a genuine legitimate reason.

If he was messing you around, then having a moan about being let down in the past isn’t going to have any impact on him, because he never intended to meet you anyway.

If his excuse was genuine, then having a moan about being let down before is just going to piss him off, and make him think you might be more trouble than you’re worth.

When I was online dating, I remember some profiles looked perfectly nice, then at the end they said things like “no time wasters please”. Whilst it’s a fair request, it always put me off. I don’t want to be chastised for the dating crimes of previous women!

ScoutOfTheSoftHeartsClub · 14/12/2025 16:59

@Forfucksake84 you don’t sound sufficiently emotionally mature or self-reliant to be online dating.

It is a waste of time spending two weeks ‘talking’ intensely to someone you haven’t met. As other have indicated, any excessive compliments simply scream insincerity.

It is deeply unwise to reveal weaknesses and disappointments in your relationship history this early. You are merely telling the new contact just how much shit you’re ready to put up with, and how little respect you have commanded from other men.

Why did you send another text when he failed to respond to the previous one? Who could possibly interpret that as anything other than desperate? You’ve never met the man, his teeth, real or imaginary, are not your concern.

I wouldn’t be so harsh as to say you’ve done something ‘wrong’ - but I would suggest you reflect on the responses here and toughen up a little.

Original poster
Forfucksake84 · 14/12/2025 17:03

What is a good thing to say then when someone cancels at last minute, and you're not sure whether to believe them or not

OP posts:
TwistedWonder · 14/12/2025 17:05

Forfucksake84 · 14/12/2025 17:03

What is a good thing to say then when someone cancels at last minute, and you're not sure whether to believe them or not

If they’re genuine, wait for them to come to you with an apology and offering to rearrange for another time.

ScoutOfTheSoftHeartsClub · 14/12/2025 17:06

Ah - that’s a shame. Okay. Have a great weekend.

And then you do what the poster above suggests.

WildPrimrose · 14/12/2025 17:07

Forfucksake84 · 14/12/2025 17:03

What is a good thing to say then when someone cancels at last minute, and you're not sure whether to believe them or not

“Sorry to hear that, I hope you feel better soon”

OhNoMyLovely · 14/12/2025 17:07

@Catza Sorry but OP did do some things wrongly.

1 She carried on talking for two weeks to a man she'd never met who 'wanted her in his life'. And she didn't see through what nonsense that was and run.

2 She gave him sympathy about his teeth saying she believed him. If he wasn't genuine (as it now seems) that shows how she was gullible.

3 She texted him AGAIN and had no response. So she was badgering him when it became clear he was not going to rearrange the date.
In her mind she tried 'to rectify the situation'.

@Forfucksake84 You weren't rectifying anything because there was nothing to rectify. You were saying that you were ready and waiting for him regardless of him having cancelled your date and probably told you a pack of lies.

You need to get your eye in more, see which men are love-bombing and behaving in a ridiculous way and end the chat before it gets to trying to have a date.