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Original poster

Date cancelled yet again. Did I do something wrong?

219 replies

Forfucksake84 · 14/12/2025 15:21

Ie been talking to a guy for 2 weeks who has been the most emotionally attentive and consistent anyone has been for a long time. He seems to be genuinely looking for a serious relationship which is more than can be said for most people online. Lots of compliments, saying he wants me in his life etc. We were due to have a date yesterday and he cancelled on the morning of the date saying he had dental pain and a swollen face, and didn't want to meet me when feeling like that. ( earlier in the week he'd mentioned he'd had a procedure)I told him he should have told me the night before but he said he'd been really looking forward to it so thought hed just put up with niggling pain, but this pain he could not put up with. He was very apologetic about it etc and promised he'd make it up to me. I have a long history of being last down by dates at late notice over the last couple of years, and I told him it was becoming a literal joke at this stage and that I'd been let down a lot before. But I said that I took his word for it, and that we could reschedule and asked if he'd managed to get antibiotics. This was at 4pm yesterday and he never replied. I sent another message this morning just to ask if his teeth were feeling better and to reassure him not yo feel bad about cancelling as it wasn't his fault. He's still not replied. Have i done something wrong in mentioning my history of repeated date cancelling?Im an overthinker and he seemed so keen before.

OP posts:
OhNoMyLovely · 14/12/2025 17:08

Forfucksake84 · 14/12/2025 17:03

What is a good thing to say then when someone cancels at last minute, and you're not sure whether to believe them or not

'Sorry to hear that'.

Catza · 14/12/2025 17:09

Forfucksake84 · 14/12/2025 16:53

Thanks for saying that. Because a lot of people here seem to be saying I aid the wrong thing. All I did was express my frustration, not accuse him of lying. I thrn followed up with a friendly message this morning

Show quote history

I’d probably not do that in the future, not because it is “wrong” but for your own emotional protection. ‘Thanks for letting me know” is plenty energy to spend on a stranger, then you can vent to a friend or something.

LovesLabradors · 14/12/2025 17:10

I think the poster who said don't respond at all if they cancel was spot on tbh.
Wait & see if they come back to you to rearrange.
If they re-arrange & then let you down again - no more chances. Block.

gannett · 14/12/2025 17:11

Ie been talking to a guy for 2 weeks who has been the most emotionally attentive and consistent anyone has been for a long time. He seems to be genuinely looking for a serious relationship which is more than can be said for most people online. Lots of compliments, saying he wants me in his life etc.

Way too much and too intense from both of you. Neither of you should be saying or feeling anything like this from someone you've only been messaging for two weeks and haven't met yet.

We were due to have a date yesterday and he cancelled on the morning of the date saying he had dental pain and a swollen face, and didn't want to meet me when feeling like that. ( earlier in the week he'd mentioned he'd had a procedure)

OK so the dental pain probably wasn't an excuse because you knew about the procedure already. You told him off at length for it. If I'd been him I'd have blocked you instantly for that. Not having anyone tell me off when I'm in pain from a dental procedure, I don't need that in my life. I wouldn't be responding to their apologies either. Too much hard work.

On the other hand if you think he was lying about the dental pain then you're better off without him in your life anyway.

OhNoMyLovely · 14/12/2025 17:12

When you meet men online you should accept that maybe 90% of them are not who and what they seem to be. They will be married, or players, or just bored and never intend to meet any woman.

You should limit the chatting or texting to a few texts, maybe one chat then agree to meet.

This prolonged chatting for two weeks is meaningless
You can't decide on anyone until you meet in RL.
Their photos, profile and everything they tell you can be fake.

You're coming over as so desperate for a man that you are not filtering out the time wasters.

WackyRacers · 14/12/2025 17:13

He’s married. Never intended to turn up. Block and move on

KilkennyCats · 14/12/2025 17:13

Forfucksake84 · 14/12/2025 15:35

No we haven't

Show quote history

Then you’re a pair of drama queens.
He wants you in his life (wtf!), and you dumping your whole dating history on him unasked.

Elektra1 · 14/12/2025 17:13

I think if you find someone “emotionally attentive” after 2 weeks of chat without ever having met, that suggests that your bar is so low that you’re vulnerable and should not be dating at all.

flickeringflame5 · 14/12/2025 17:15

blacksax · 14/12/2025 15:33

I see this all the time on Mumsnet.

Man does something shitty, unpleasant, or just flaky, thoughtless or inconsiderate.

Woman starts thread asking "What did I do wrong?"

AAARGHHHH. Why do so many women blame themselves for the shitty, unpleasant, flaky, thoughtless, inconsiderate behaviour of men? JUST WHY?

I don’t think it’s flaky if it was genuine. Dental pain is horrendous and I wouldn’t appreciate being lectured about it by someone I met two weeks ago based on her dating history! Sorry op but yabu and probably scared him off.

NeighbourProblems3 · 14/12/2025 17:15

You both displayed some red flags here, he for being full on without even having met you, and you for telling him off for being unwell and revealing your baggage.

Catza · 14/12/2025 17:17

OhNoMyLovely · 14/12/2025 17:07

@Catza Sorry but OP did do some things wrongly.

1 She carried on talking for two weeks to a man she'd never met who 'wanted her in his life'. And she didn't see through what nonsense that was and run.

2 She gave him sympathy about his teeth saying she believed him. If he wasn't genuine (as it now seems) that shows how she was gullible.

3 She texted him AGAIN and had no response. So she was badgering him when it became clear he was not going to rearrange the date.
In her mind she tried 'to rectify the situation'.

@Forfucksake84 You weren't rectifying anything because there was nothing to rectify. You were saying that you were ready and waiting for him regardless of him having cancelled your date and probably told you a pack of lies.

You need to get your eye in more, see which men are love-bombing and behaving in a ridiculous way and end the chat before it gets to trying to have a date.

You are missing the context. Yes, OP should not have overinvested. But her question essentially was "did I do something wrong and caused him to cancel the date, ghost me etc." and the answer to that is "Absolutely not". The guy is clearly unhinged just based on the fact that he future-faked before even meeting in person. This is NOT OP's fault.

OhNoMyLovely · 14/12/2025 17:17

OK so the dental pain probably wasn't an excuse because you knew about the procedure already.

I disagree completely!

It would be VERY easy to invent some medical issue and use the after-effects as an excuse to cancel.

I'd not be surprised if he's used the same excuse 100 x over with different women.

Or another 'reason' like a sprained ankle...whatever....and he hadn't 'recovered' enough by the time of the date.

All of these would be a great get-out excuse.

OhNoMyLovely · 14/12/2025 17:19

Catza · 14/12/2025 17:17

You are missing the context. Yes, OP should not have overinvested. But her question essentially was "did I do something wrong and caused him to cancel the date, ghost me etc." and the answer to that is "Absolutely not". The guy is clearly unhinged just based on the fact that he future-faked before even meeting in person. This is NOT OP's fault.

Show quote history

And you're missing the point.

She fed his vanity and allowed him to talk nonsense and carry on talking.

She did something wrong by being too attentive and too trusting and running after him like a mother hen, talking about his meds for one thing, and the other was saying she was tired of being let down.

He would not respect any woman falling for the crap he was spouting.
Men like to work harder.

gannett · 14/12/2025 17:20

OhNoMyLovely · 14/12/2025 17:17

OK so the dental pain probably wasn't an excuse because you knew about the procedure already.

I disagree completely!

It would be VERY easy to invent some medical issue and use the after-effects as an excuse to cancel.

I'd not be surprised if he's used the same excuse 100 x over with different women.

Or another 'reason' like a sprained ankle...whatever....and he hadn't 'recovered' enough by the time of the date.

All of these would be a great get-out excuse.

He had already told her he had an upcoming procedure before he cancelled.

It's possible he was laying the groundwork for a fake excuse but if your immediate reaction to someone saying they're ill or injured is to be suspicious, then you shouldn't be dating them regardless (or dating full stop) so it doesn't really matter.

Lambasting someone for being in pain is never a good idea.

OhNoMyLovely · 14/12/2025 17:21

gannett · 14/12/2025 17:20

He had already told her he had an upcoming procedure before he cancelled.

It's possible he was laying the groundwork for a fake excuse but if your immediate reaction to someone saying they're ill or injured is to be suspicious, then you shouldn't be dating them regardless (or dating full stop) so it doesn't really matter.

Lambasting someone for being in pain is never a good idea.

Show quote history

I for one don't believe there was a procedure.

I think he made it up and does the same with lots of women.
And yes, you can doubt anything anyone tells you and perhaps should!

See my previous post where I explain more fully.

Arlanymor · 14/12/2025 17:22

If it was me and I had to cancel due to a medical procedure causing me more recovery time than anticipated - I would be very apologetic (which apparently he was).

If someone responded: "You should have told me the night before" - I would have apologised again and explained that while I thought it would be much better the next day, when I woke up in the morning it wasn't. Therefore I tried to postpone with as much notice as possible until the pain and swelling improve.

If that person then said "This is a literal joke and I've been let down a lot before" I would start to get cross. I would think "I'm in pain, I've given you notice, I've apologised and now you're scolding me and I am somehow being blamed not only for this situation but also for previous people letting you down!" I would be bloody angry.

If I then got a message saying "I'll take your word for it" - I would think "Oh how very gracious of you!" And I don't think I would want to talk to you much at all after that. I doubt I would reschedule to be honest.

Yes he could be a massive arse, love-bomber, time-waster, flakey or whatever.

Or he could just be pissed off because he's in pain through no fault of his own and received no sympathy whatsoever. It took you until today to reassure him it was not his fault but at the time you just made him feel even worse about things.

I mean the conversation could have gone like this:
"I'm really sorry I have to postpone tonight - I thought my mouth/face would be better today but I'm still in a lot of pain and very swollen. If I came out tonight I wouldn't be much fun and it's such a shame as I was really looking forward to meeting up. Sorry again."
"Ouch, sorry to hear that, dental stuff can be really painful. I totally understand. No problem at all. Rest up and fingers crossed that the painkillers/antibiotics kick in soon. Let me know when you're feeling better and we can reschedule."

APatternGrammar · 14/12/2025 17:23

I would suggest cutting down the messaging drastically and arranging a brief meeting (coffee) as soon as possible. This will cut out the people who are not there to meet in real life.
For people cancelling at short notice, I would just answer ‘ok’. (Or get well soon or sorry to hear that if they give a sob story.) Then move on.

OhNoMyLovely · 14/12/2025 17:23

Arlanymor · 14/12/2025 17:22

If it was me and I had to cancel due to a medical procedure causing me more recovery time than anticipated - I would be very apologetic (which apparently he was).

If someone responded: "You should have told me the night before" - I would have apologised again and explained that while I thought it would be much better the next day, when I woke up in the morning it wasn't. Therefore I tried to postpone with as much notice as possible until the pain and swelling improve.

If that person then said "This is a literal joke and I've been let down a lot before" I would start to get cross. I would think "I'm in pain, I've given you notice, I've apologised and now you're scolding me and I am somehow being blamed not only for this situation but also for previous people letting you down!" I would be bloody angry.

If I then got a message saying "I'll take your word for it" - I would think "Oh how very gracious of you!" And I don't think I would want to talk to you much at all after that. I doubt I would reschedule to be honest.

Yes he could be a massive arse, love-bomber, time-waster, flakey or whatever.

Or he could just be pissed off because he's in pain through no fault of his own and received no sympathy whatsoever. It took you until today to reassure him it was not his fault but at the time you just made him feel even worse about things.

I mean the conversation could have gone like this:
"I'm really sorry I have to postpone tonight - I thought my mouth/face would be better today but I'm still in a lot of pain and very swollen. If I came out tonight I wouldn't be much fun and it's such a shame as I was really looking forward to meeting up. Sorry again."
"Ouch, sorry to hear that, dental stuff can be really painful. I totally understand. No problem at all. Rest up and fingers crossed that the painkillers/antibiotics kick in soon. Let me know when you're feeling better and we can reschedule."

Edited

You'd spend that amount of time on someone who wants you in his life after 2 weeks of talking?

Run, run, run!

gannett · 14/12/2025 17:24

OhNoMyLovely · 14/12/2025 17:21

I for one don't believe there was a procedure.

I think he made it up and does the same with lots of women.
And yes, you can doubt anything anyone tells you and perhaps should!

See my previous post where I explain more fully.

Edited
Show quote history

Um, you have no idea whether he made it up and no evidence to base that on.

Neither do I, I'm not saying he's telling the truth or lying, because I don't know.

I am saying that if you immediately assume someone is lying when they say they're ill or whatever, you shouldn't be dating.

PollyBurns994 · 14/12/2025 17:24

I actually think you’re the issue Op. you’ve been incredibly intense, mentioning he better not let you down because other men have before! If he’s genuinely had a tooth out and is in pain, he’s probably sleeping it off! Leave him a few days and then rearrange! Don’t be so needy!

Arlanymor · 14/12/2025 17:26

OhNoMyLovely · 14/12/2025 17:23

You'd spend that amount of time on someone who wants you in his life after 2 weeks of talking?

Run, run, run!

Show quote history

What amount of time - I was breaking down why getting lambasted for postponing is unfair!

I would have texted back: "Ouch, sorry to hear that, dental stuff can be really painful. I totally understand. No problem at all. Rest up and fingers crossed that the painkillers/antibiotics kick in soon. Let me know when you're feeling better and we can reschedule." Two second text isn't it?

Although if someone said to me after two weeks that they wanted me in their life I would be putting on the brakes regardless...

gannett · 14/12/2025 17:26

"I'm really sorry I have to postpone tonight - I thought my mouth/face would be better today but I'm still in a lot of pain and very swollen. If I came out tonight I wouldn't be much fun and it's such a shame as I was really looking forward to meeting up. Sorry again."
"Ouch, sorry to hear that, dental stuff can be really painful. I totally understand. No problem at all. Rest up and fingers crossed that the painkillers/antibiotics kick in soon. Let me know when you're feeling better and we can reschedule."

This is how every conversation like this goes between two normal people. I'm so glad the people in my life don't turn bog-standard life mishaps into dramas.

Arlanymor · 14/12/2025 17:28

gannett · 14/12/2025 17:26

"I'm really sorry I have to postpone tonight - I thought my mouth/face would be better today but I'm still in a lot of pain and very swollen. If I came out tonight I wouldn't be much fun and it's such a shame as I was really looking forward to meeting up. Sorry again."
"Ouch, sorry to hear that, dental stuff can be really painful. I totally understand. No problem at all. Rest up and fingers crossed that the painkillers/antibiotics kick in soon. Let me know when you're feeling better and we can reschedule."

This is how every conversation like this goes between two normal people. I'm so glad the people in my life don't turn bog-standard life mishaps into dramas.

So glad you said that! Because often on here people relay their text conversations and I just think: Blimey, that's completely OTT! Is it just me?!

GreenGiant167 · 14/12/2025 17:30

His wife probably found out about the date and slapped him around the chops.

EvangelicalAboutButteredToast · 14/12/2025 17:30

He’s a time waster and my suspicion is the cancellation is nothing to do with dental work and much more likely he isn’t really single, I bet it’s a ‘its complicated’ kind of scenario and if not that then there’s something else at play that is absolutely nothing to do with you.

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