In a very happy, healthy relationship but get panicky at night due to age

[Vorkya]

I am married to a really amazing man. There is a 21 year age gap between us. I’ve just turned 31. Have been together for three years.

Objectively speaking DH is very attractive and fit. He’s a builder and his female clients often make it known they find him good looking. Most assume he is early/mid 40s. Only saying this because that part of the relationship is not an issue.

Dh has made it known he absolutely wants children - his ex wife sadly suffered many miscarriages.

Im VERY content. I get treated well. Dh is well established. He has his own company so has a flexible schedule. He’s phenomenal with children. Dh is great to be around. Very easy going bloke. And he is very tidy!

Despite all of this. I will get terrible waves of anxiety at night. I really get a panicked feeling. And it definitely is caused by DH’s age. I know it sounds crazy but the idea that dh will be in his 60s with a 10 yo (when we have kids) absolutely terrifies me. My own dad had me at 40 and I really was really self conscious of that. But my dad has always had an old soy which I think aged him. He wore suits and briefcases as a child as a preference! And he also did not take care of himself at all health wise so undoubtedly aged prematurely.

I confided in my mum and she said “well why have you only done the maths now”. She never holds back and it’s hurtful to be frank. Dh has promised he will carry on eating well and running/cycling. But I really think I am scared of something happening. Or DH just not being someone who ages well. And then I’ll be in a very difficult position. DH’s dad still goes on long walks and is in good heath (physically and mentally). So that comforts me. We have had discussions about what would happen financially and whilst I would be provided for obviously that’s only part of the issue. I don’t want to raise a family on my own.

often I’ll think wow I’m being crazy. He’s 50 not 70! I need to calm down.

its odd because I only get this concern at night. The rest of the time I feel completely lucky and fortunate.

It doesn't sound crazy and I too would be terrified of having kids with a man in his fifties. Sorry.

Did you not think about this before you got married though?

Anything could happen to anyone at any age, and they end up ill, or disabled, or worst case dead. Your husband is obviously fit and healthy and committed to staying that way for as long as possible so personally I wouldn't be spending any time worrying about this.

I think it would be very unfair to have married him, knowing his age and that he wants kids, only to change your mind because you think he's too old. Thinking about things too much at nighttime is always a bad idea anyway. I wouldn't base any decisions on middle-of-the-night fretting.

Your mum did have a valid point.

I expect you think about this at night because that's when it's quiet and there is space for your worries to surface.

Statistically if you have children with him then your children are more likely to experience losing a parent at a much younger age than their peers. That is life changing in a bad way.

It doesn't sound "crazy" to be worried about this, it sounds sensible. Only you can decide what you want to do though.

It doesn’t sound crazy. But your Mum isn’t being unreasonable. The age difference has been clear all along so why is such an issue now? You either decide to not have kids with him, to leave him and find someone else younger to have kids with, or crack on and have them with him asap so they get as much time with him as possible.

I hate to say this, but older sperm is a risk for autism. So your mom has valid concerns.

You have a choice, I personally wouldn’t have a child with a 50 year old but many do. My dh is 60 (all our kids are adults) and he definitely wouldn’t deal well with a 10 year old let alone younger, also he’s just retired, at 60 you don’t want to be worried about the cost of children

I didn’t get this panicked feeling before. Only the last few months. It’s awful.

If you have kids now the chances are really good that he will see them well into their 20s. Anyone can get sick or get killed at any time they don't have to be over 50. He may have much more patience than a young man who may feel tied down by having children. Has he got good pension pension provision and insurance, as everyone with children should have regardless of age.

To be fair, something could happen to you too. You could have MS or some other major illness where he would need to stay on his own with kids. I wouldn’t speculate what could potentially happen to him because he is in a certain age. No one can be assured they will stay healthy and in a good metal health/shape at any age. You could have a child with your age man or even younger and relationship could turn out to be a disaster and you would end up being a single mum. If you are happy and your husband is absolutely great, then consider yourself lucky rather than looking for something bad and destroy your marriage. Good luck!

It’s most likely the honeymoon period wearing off and real life starting to intrude. If you are going to have children then I second a pp who says you really need to be getting on with it now, while your husband is still relatively young and fit enough to enjoy them.

Just to speak to one aspect of this: I wouldn't personally be worried about the increased risk of autism with an older father that a PP refers to, since it is an increase on a pretty small risk overall. But older fathers definitely do have lower fertility, and an increased risk of miscarriage and stillbirth. Some of the research into this is fairly new - for years people just looked at maternal age. But more and more research is coming out to indicate that an older father really may signifiantly impact your chances of getting pregnant, staying pregnant, and having a healthy baby.

I mention this because you say your partner 'absolutely wants children' and 'his ex wife suffered many miscarriages'. I would just be slightly nervous that he may not realise his own potential role in this. Lots of men don't. They assume it's all about the age of the woman.

I'm absolutely not saying it is or ought to be a dealbreaker. But I would want to talk to him about this aspect and whether he understands it. It could feel very, very lonely to TTC if he is blithely unaware that you might struggle because of him, and a tiny bit of me feels nervous about the phrasing of 'his ex wife suffered many miscarriages' rather than he and his ex wife. I know she was the one miscarrying, but I would really want to be sure that he understands the facts here.

(Incidentally, statistically, fathers over 55 and mothers over 35 are a really bad bet - under 35 and you have a chance that your eggs can repair the damage in older sperm; over 35 and they gradually loose this ability, and there is a fairly steep increase in paternal-contribution fertility issues over 55. So if it were me, and I wanted children aged 31, I would be cracking on with it.)

This is true, but it is also true that the older you are, the more likely you are to have serious health issues, and even die. It is disingenuous to pretend otherwise.

Objectively speaking DH is very attractive and fit. He’s a builder and his female clients often make it known they find him good looking I find this really peculiar , what sort of clients is he taking on ?
FWIW my dad was an extremely young looking and good looking and died very suddenly at 51 , I was the youngest at 24 , it’s always a risk with older men

I always get more anxious at night probably because less distractions and your thoughts have more space to roam!

Ok, so. He sounds like a solid bloke, great husband, great provider and great with kids. Tick, tick, tick, tick. There is a decent chance this is just your brain overthinking at night.

However...My concern would be his physical health, and being able to pitch in with DIY and the kids as the years go on.

Sorry to sound a bit morbid, but men do tend to die younger, so there's quite the chance you will end up with teens who've lost their dad, but regardless they will definitely have a grandad aged dad. Are you alright with that?

You could always meet another man at that point if you are widowed but your kids can't meet another father.

The other thing worth bearing in mind is that older dads (35+/40+) have a higher risk of producing babies with birth defects. It's slight, but it's a real risk.

Now, if you decide he isn't the father you want for your kids and you want to have kids with someone closer to you in age, that means ending the marriage and starting from scratch, which can easily take a couple years. You don't have endless time at 31. You're still young but the 30s fly by you need to get cracking.

Probably something that should've been thought through pre-wedding 😅😅
I personally wouldn't do it. 🤷‍♀️

I would be radically honest, exit marriage, and reallocate the next couple of years trying to find a 30 something man to TTC by my mid-thirties.

Echo all of this.
If it wasn't for kids I'd say crack on, you seem really happy.
Bringing kids into this I wouldn't say is a good idea.

It's a valid concern.
A close friend of my daughter has a dad who was mid fifties when the friend was born. .
The son has regularly spoken about how he worries about his dad a lot because he is now in his seventies.
I know people can get ill at any time but my kids don't worry about their dad (who was 30 when they were born) in that way.

With kindness your Ma has a point.

He's too old for kids really (I do think late 40s is the absolute cut off).

But since you are here, the best thing you can do is plan for it - make sure you and the kids will be adequately supported, and keep up some sort of career yourself.

Your problem may be becoming his carer, but unless you are unlucky, that should not be till he is at least mid 70s, if not 80s and the kids will be grown.

You do obviously have to ask yourself if you want to spend what should be a lively period of life looking after someone in their final years. Of course illness can strike any point, but the chances are a lot higher in your case. Again, the best way to mitigate is to line up cash so you can pay for help and get on with your life.

I’d worry more if he didn’t look after himself to be honest. Do you adore him? Will he make a good dad? Crack on.

Why did you include the part about him being attractive if it's not an issue?

Why are you picking at a point that isn't relevant to the OP's concern?

My Dad was 54 when I was born. I was over 30 when he died. Anything can happen.

I shared that to show that dh really is an amazing guy. I’ve not really felt like I’ve compromised (right now) - he’s fit, attractive and in great shape. He’s more muscular than my ex who was my age and didn’t work out at all.

I’d be more worried about him ditching you if you don’t produce the required offspring. Given he seems to have done that once already.

To me it's relevant as she mentioned something which shouldn't really have anything to do with the overall dilemma. Why are you picking at my comment?