In a very happy, healthy relationship but get panicky at night due to age

[Vorkya]

I am married to a really amazing man. There is a 21 year age gap between us. I’ve just turned 31. Have been together for three years.

Objectively speaking DH is very attractive and fit. He’s a builder and his female clients often make it known they find him good looking. Most assume he is early/mid 40s. Only saying this because that part of the relationship is not an issue.

Dh has made it known he absolutely wants children - his ex wife sadly suffered many miscarriages.

Im VERY content. I get treated well. Dh is well established. He has his own company so has a flexible schedule. He’s phenomenal with children. Dh is great to be around. Very easy going bloke. And he is very tidy!

Despite all of this. I will get terrible waves of anxiety at night. I really get a panicked feeling. And it definitely is caused by DH’s age. I know it sounds crazy but the idea that dh will be in his 60s with a 10 yo (when we have kids) absolutely terrifies me. My own dad had me at 40 and I really was really self conscious of that. But my dad has always had an old soy which I think aged him. He wore suits and briefcases as a child as a preference! And he also did not take care of himself at all health wise so undoubtedly aged prematurely.

I confided in my mum and she said “well why have you only done the maths now”. She never holds back and it’s hurtful to be frank. Dh has promised he will carry on eating well and running/cycling. But I really think I am scared of something happening. Or DH just not being someone who ages well. And then I’ll be in a very difficult position. DH’s dad still goes on long walks and is in good heath (physically and mentally). So that comforts me. We have had discussions about what would happen financially and whilst I would be provided for obviously that’s only part of the issue. I don’t want to raise a family on my own.

often I’ll think wow I’m being crazy. He’s 50 not 70! I need to calm down.

its odd because I only get this concern at night. The rest of the time I feel completely lucky and fortunate.

And yet you have by implication done it.
Please ask for this post to be deleted.

Oh, come on ... that's a bit unfair. She hasn't discussed it, and she would be perfectly entitled to do if if she chose - it's an anonymous forum and it wouldn't be unreasonable at all for someone in her situation to want to discuss the medical facts, because they do have some bearing on her own situation. If she doesn't want to, fine - but she shouldn't have to have her posts deleted!

That's not the only risk though.

There are also risks of chromosomal abnormalities due to his age, as well as the risk of him being in declining health as he ages and his child is still young. Or are we to pretend that age has no impact on health?

Would he consider IVF with the donor sperm?

Well no, most people I know are of a healthy age when they had their kids. Most people I know set themselves a cut off for children for lots of environmental and health reasons. I think the ‘go for it’ crowd are the minority, not the other way around.

They wouldn't need IVF, as far as OP is aware she has no fertility issues. You don't need IVF to use donor sperm.

I think if your child is 28, it doesn’t really matter what you think!

Why not? I still value my mum’s opinions and she’s in her 80s.

Well I’m 43 with three grandparents still going - I have a brother who’s 53 (and again, 3 grandparents still going and able).

I’d say it’s more usual to have at least one grandparent around.

You are citing your personal circumstances/experiences as if it's the norm. There is no "normal."

My family has very large generation gaps e.g. my son (born 2013) had two grandfathers born in 1929. That kind of generation gap is evident throughout my family tree on both sides, and I come from generations of women who had children (sometimes their firstborn) in their late 30s/early 40s, with husbands of similar age or older. I would be willing to bet that very few people in my family tree ever knew a great grandparent!

Not sure about this. My husband, aged 57, has been a self-employed builder all his working life and has arthritic knees, feet, and shoulders as a result of all the kneeling down, climbing ladders, lifting etc. However, he's just had his best year ever financially...because he has employed two twenty-somethings to do all the heavy lifting. Even with having to pay them a good wage (very competitive job market here for skilled workers) he's been more profitable this year than ever before, because he's been able to take on larger jobs. He's very much in the mindset of work smarter, not harder.

Yes maybe; it just seemed a little off to me.

I think the issue for me - speaking more constructively, I hope - with this situation would be the misaligned priorities which are to do with age.

So to OP, you wish to have a few years without children to enjoy your marriage and given your age, this is not unreasonable and is indeed sensible. Whereas your husband wishes to have DC asap due to his age and his age is also a concern for you when it comes to paternity.

Then I do also also think there is an issue about perceived reproductive health and youth. Whichever way you cut the cake, this man is with someone at the peak of their childbearing years and not someone his own age or even that close to it. That would give me pause. No matter all his other wonderful qualities and there may be many, what he wants is a child and he has found someone more likely to give it to him than his previous partner for whatever reason.

I don’t think that is unfair or unreasonable to be aware of or point out. It’s an unavoidable fact of life that OP has youth on her side. I am also willing to bet she is younger than the previous female partner of her husband. So it is against this background I guess I felt a bit uncomfortable with the disclosures, admittedly indirect, about someone’s medical history. But it’s not the main issue here and I accept that.

How are you doing OP?

There are never any guarantees! 50 is nothing, DH and I had twins when he was 39 and I was 44 via donor eggs. We've had a great life and they are now 17. Hopefully i will be around for at least another couple of decades but you never know!

I have a friend who married a guy of 40 plus when she was 25. He is now mid 80s and they have grandkids, but have an amazing life! You don't know what's around the corner, just go for it and enjoy!

My father was 65 when I was born. I consider myself blessed to have had such a wonderful father, a truly decent man who loved us very much. We had so much of his time as he was retired, he was really patient and involved, and keeping up with us constantly kept him young - he was still playing badminton in his eighties and cycling every day, swimming etc.

We had our now 6 y/o when I was 39 and DH was 53. We are now happy, living our best lives and very healthy. Don’t worry about it and enjoy your lives.

Objectively speaking DH is very attractive and fit. He’s a builder and his female clients often make it known they find him good looking

I’m sorry, this is such a weird thing to say. Are you there when they say this??? Which women go around telling the builder that he is good looking? I re kon this is in his head and he’s probably being the annoying builder who’s flirting non stop. He sounds really full of himself if he’s going on about how other women find him good looking.

theres 12 years between me and dp
he had his first children with his ex wife in his early 30s
now he has a 2 year old at 51 with me.
its not that scary as people make out.
remember any of us can go at any time

It may not be scary now, but it may become difficult when your 2 year old is a teenager and his dad is approaching 70!