In a very happy, healthy relationship but get panicky at night due to age

[Vorkya]

I am married to a really amazing man. There is a 21 year age gap between us. I’ve just turned 31. Have been together for three years.

Objectively speaking DH is very attractive and fit. He’s a builder and his female clients often make it known they find him good looking. Most assume he is early/mid 40s. Only saying this because that part of the relationship is not an issue.

Dh has made it known he absolutely wants children - his ex wife sadly suffered many miscarriages.

Im VERY content. I get treated well. Dh is well established. He has his own company so has a flexible schedule. He’s phenomenal with children. Dh is great to be around. Very easy going bloke. And he is very tidy!

Despite all of this. I will get terrible waves of anxiety at night. I really get a panicked feeling. And it definitely is caused by DH’s age. I know it sounds crazy but the idea that dh will be in his 60s with a 10 yo (when we have kids) absolutely terrifies me. My own dad had me at 40 and I really was really self conscious of that. But my dad has always had an old soy which I think aged him. He wore suits and briefcases as a child as a preference! And he also did not take care of himself at all health wise so undoubtedly aged prematurely.

I confided in my mum and she said “well why have you only done the maths now”. She never holds back and it’s hurtful to be frank. Dh has promised he will carry on eating well and running/cycling. But I really think I am scared of something happening. Or DH just not being someone who ages well. And then I’ll be in a very difficult position. DH’s dad still goes on long walks and is in good heath (physically and mentally). So that comforts me. We have had discussions about what would happen financially and whilst I would be provided for obviously that’s only part of the issue. I don’t want to raise a family on my own.

often I’ll think wow I’m being crazy. He’s 50 not 70! I need to calm down.

its odd because I only get this concern at night. The rest of the time I feel completely lucky and fortunate.

Ok so I had my kids in my 40s and (my DH was late 40s) I was certainly not the only one! And my DH passed away suddenly at 51, so no guarantees either of you will be around long term!
if you are happy and want kids then have them. Life is full of unexpected turns. He may well be fit and healthy in to his 80s. Either of you may not. Be aware though that he is likely to die or be less mobile a lot sooner than you, but don’t anticipate what may not happen.

Although, in my very recent experience, fertility clinics are shit at this. I did a round of IVF aged 39/40 with a man who was 55, and all the clinic could talk about was when I might need to consider moving to donor eggs. They did absolutely nothing to investigate him beyond a very basic sperm test, which doesn't tell you anything useful.

I am absolutely harping on about this, but it's so, so common for men to be unaware of the issues in a way women just can't afford to be.

I think early 50’s isn’t that old. I see lots of younger men in their 30’s who are really unfit, overweight and in terrible shape and I wonder what they will be like when they’re older. Although health problems are more likely as you age, the risks can be reduced by lifestyle and the fact he’s in good nick is positive. If you love him, I’d say go for it.

Finding a relationship with a man that wants and is ready for kids when you do is a rarity, 50 sounds old to you but it’s not that bad, you are the one that will take the brunt of the hard work anyway.

It is what it is OP. I’d be cracking on now to be honest, so the young kids are out of the way in early- mid fifties, get some good financial planning in place (life insurance) and get some counselling to help you feel more settled with your decisions. Good luck

Anyone can drop dead at 50 - some have good health and mobility into their 80s. You can't help who you fall in love with and life is uncertain. If you have found such a wonderful man embrace it, enjoy it and stop worrying what the future may bring. There is that saying about spending half your life worrying about things that never happened.

My father was 23 years' older than mother - he died before I was five.

By contrast, a friend married at 25 to a man of 50 - they were very happily together for nearly 40 years, so she was widowed in her 60s, with their children in their 30s, and she has remarried.

op I married and had kids with a 27 year old and he’s the worst. If I had the choice of my kids having 25 years with an excellent dad or a lifetime of shit from an absolute tosser, I’d take your guy any day. Choose your kids dad based on who caring, loving, present, mentally stable, reliable and wise the man is, not by how long he’s been on the planet. It’s only taken 17 years for my ex to cause irreversible damage to my kids. There’s a family down the road whose dad has sadly died in his 40s but he’s done such a good job, his bereaved kids are thriving better than mine. If he’s a good guy just have your kids and be happy. My dads just back from an Asian cruise at 75, strong as a horse.

OP you haven't said whether YOU want kids. It's all about him wanting them. Could the panic you feel be because you are being pushed into a decision to have kids before you would like (or at all) because of his age?

Keep in mind it's likely you will end up doing the lions share of parenting. Are you certain you want children? You don't seem to have been together very long and if he were a younger man you would have another couple of years to think about it

And as other posters have mentioned, it's possible his wife's miscarriages were due to him, rather than her and sperm quality does deteriorate with age, so you could be in for a rough time if you do TTC. Possibly your subconscious is picking up on that.

That's a false dilemma though.

Her options aren't "25 years with an excellent dad" or "a lifetime of shit from an absolute tosser"

I could just as easily ask, "Would you prefer 50 years with an excellent dad or 25 years with an excellent dad?"

You mention the importance of presence, but there is no presence if you're widowed.

The reality is it’s going to be shit for him already. He’s already too old. Not for the baby bit in your fifties, that’ll be the easiest stage. But teenager when 70? Nothing on earth would make me want to do that.

it’s a shame your mum didn’t bring her bluntness with her 3 years ago. If either of my daughters in their twenties get a forty something boyfriend I would be advising strongly against it. If she did, and you chose not to listen, then you’ve made your bed.

Anything can happen to anyone of any age! A df of mine lost her 50 years old dh very suddenly last year. You just never know.

What does your dad think OP?

He’s too old for kids imo. I think you need an honest conversation.

I think people are being quite harsh here OP. He actually sounds fitter than many people I know in their early 40s. I’m a nurse, and yes, the risk of dying obviously increases with age, but I have also seen plenty of people in their late 30s and 40s pass away prematurely. He looks after himself, sounds amazing, and wants children. Honestly, I would go for it rather than let fear of a theoretical future hold you back. He might live until he’s 90, in which case your children would be fully grown!

You say he's a great guy and he's great with kids so it sounds like he'd be a great dad.
Yeah it would have been better if he'd been younger but life doesn't work like that. People have kids young and then are crap or absent fathers which worse than having an old dad!
Go for it I say!

And also, I wouldn’t describe ANY 50 yr old who seeks out someone to date in their 20s as amazing. It shows entitlement, arrogance and selfishness.

I guess it depends on your risk appetite. I am a very risk averse person. And DH wants to retire at 58- 59.

Do YOU want children, OP?

If so, kindly, you need to crack on, especially as there is the potential risk of genetic/cell issues causing miscarriage.

My first DH died at 28 of a brain haemorrhage leaving me with a 3 month old baby. If you love this man and think he will ge a good father go for it. The future isn’t a given for anyone

That and the risk you could end up caring for your husband AND your kids.

Personally, I wouldn't have kids with anyone 50+. But people do.

But the stats show that you were very unlucky. 60- year- olds undisputably have a greater chance of dying than 28- year-olds.
Sorry for your loss

Life has no guarantees. I lost my cousin when he was 40, from a heart attack and he was physically fit but had an underlying heart problem. My Dad's Aunt has just turned 100, and although physically she not as mobile, her mind is sharp as a razor. You don't know what might happen in the future, and it's probably just as well we don't. Your Mum is right, the age gap has been there from the start, it's a bit late to be starting to worry about it now. If you genuinely want children, then talk to your husband about starting to try for a baby. You are young, and have a few more years ahead to try, but your husband is at the other end of the spectrum, and for his sake the sooner the better.

Go for it! Anyone can die at any moment, young or old.
I am, at this moment watching my nearly 65yr dp bouncing on a massive inflatable with our 7yr old (i'm 14yrs younger and sitting sipping a coffee)😂

My dad had me later in life. It's about the qualities they bring to raising their child. I'd take 20 years (for example) of an amazing, supportive, involved role model father than 40 years with a deadbeat.