In a very happy, healthy relationship but get panicky at night due to age

[Vorkya]

I am married to a really amazing man. There is a 21 year age gap between us. I’ve just turned 31. Have been together for three years.

Objectively speaking DH is very attractive and fit. He’s a builder and his female clients often make it known they find him good looking. Most assume he is early/mid 40s. Only saying this because that part of the relationship is not an issue.

Dh has made it known he absolutely wants children - his ex wife sadly suffered many miscarriages.

Im VERY content. I get treated well. Dh is well established. He has his own company so has a flexible schedule. He’s phenomenal with children. Dh is great to be around. Very easy going bloke. And he is very tidy!

Despite all of this. I will get terrible waves of anxiety at night. I really get a panicked feeling. And it definitely is caused by DH’s age. I know it sounds crazy but the idea that dh will be in his 60s with a 10 yo (when we have kids) absolutely terrifies me. My own dad had me at 40 and I really was really self conscious of that. But my dad has always had an old soy which I think aged him. He wore suits and briefcases as a child as a preference! And he also did not take care of himself at all health wise so undoubtedly aged prematurely.

I confided in my mum and she said “well why have you only done the maths now”. She never holds back and it’s hurtful to be frank. Dh has promised he will carry on eating well and running/cycling. But I really think I am scared of something happening. Or DH just not being someone who ages well. And then I’ll be in a very difficult position. DH’s dad still goes on long walks and is in good heath (physically and mentally). So that comforts me. We have had discussions about what would happen financially and whilst I would be provided for obviously that’s only part of the issue. I don’t want to raise a family on my own.

often I’ll think wow I’m being crazy. He’s 50 not 70! I need to calm down.

its odd because I only get this concern at night. The rest of the time I feel completely lucky and fortunate.

Age is always 'just a number' when the man is older.

This man is too old for the OP to have children with.

So younge parents don't die?

Exactly - even 50 and 70 or 40 and 60 is a massive difference. I wouldn't want to be dating someone who was pension age when I had another 17 years left to work, that's for sure.

Well there is such things as statistics so it is a bit more of a pressing issue in this case. If OP dies before him that's even worse of course, then her kids are left to be solely in the care of really quite old parent.

My friend married a man 17 years older. It worked great until he started to age (early 50’s) when she was in her 30’s. It is a genuine concern but if you are happy and want a family with this man. Maybe you need to trust in that, I wouldn’t wait to have kids though. Btw my friend split with her husband but they did have 2 kids who are adults now their dad is late 60’s now and he’s stil a great dad.

A small minority of young parents die. This increases with age. As you know.

One of my best friends is 41, his dad was 51 when he was born, he has two younger siblings. Dad took early retirement at 50 so he was able to be a stay at home parent, his wife worked part time and did lots of volunteering. She was 23 years younger, she always joked he was great because he was always available to babysit for girls night! She didn’t get many girls nights in the end as she died when their youngest was three. He now provides childcare twice a week for his middle childs children. He likes going on walking holidays, although he did get a telling off recently for doing a 12 mile hill walk in bad weather.

I think you are over worrying, I know a few people who had children in their 50's, 60's and 70's and they are fine. 1 couple was 52 and 62 already had 4 grown up children and she thought she on the change and found out she was 7 months pregnant at 52, the husband at 62 was in shock, he did all the school runs and they said it kept him young having a unexpected baby in his 60's, the baby is a teenager now.

I do want children. But I could definitely wait a few more years and just enjoy this special time of having a home with minimal responsibilities. We get to be lazy and treat ourselves. In an ideal world I would prefer to be child free for a couple more years. But equally Im obviously conscious about age

If you know you want kids, I wouldn't hang about in whatever course of action you choose to bring that about. Your age is fine now but that slips away quickly and if it turns out to be difficult, you don't want to waste time. Did he and his ex ever find out the cause of the miscarriages? It can be the sperm. And his age will not make it easier.

Based on my own experience, I wouldn't recommend waiting much longer, OP.

You’re projecting your own feelings about the possibility of grandchildren coming along after your death. I don’t feel the same way. I didn’t miss having grandparents. I knew no different (and neither did they, being dead).

Its not sad, its just the way life goes for some families and not all grandparents get to see all their grandchildren. Not everyone’s situation is exactly the same, its just one of those things.

This thread is about parents, not grandparents, so I won’t be discussing it further.

It sounds like you have different agendas, his is having kids right away due to his age which doesn’t really work for you as you’d like some chill time which is the opposite. That would explain the panic feeling.

You don't have the luxury of waiting a few more years with your current husband, sadly.

If you're going to have kids, have them now. He's already in his fifties, and you're 31. Fertility starts to drop drastically after 35 so a few more years could be pushing it for both of you.

Come on now, I’m sure you studied probability at school and understand the difference between a 30 year old and a 50 year old.

Could you 'definitely' wait a few more years though?

Do you really want to have children with a man pushing 60?

Even if he goes jogging and eats a vegan diet?

Your mum is correct. However 50 is a lot younger than it used to be. I’d make sure you are both covered with a life insurance and critical illness policy and get on with it. You can’t live your life worrying about what ifs.

Age is always 'just a number' when you are the younger person because you simply don't have the experience of the knowledge, wisdom and experiences that the years you havent yet lived will bring. The older person rarely believes 'age is just a number' because they know the truth.

I've been both and felt both sides of it.

I confided in my mum and she said “well why have you only done the maths now”.

Tbf, what was she supposed to say?

I’ve posted on similar threads before.

My dad was 60 when I was born. He was the most patient, loving and engaged parent I could wish for. He was wise and kind, and as he was retired he had endless time for us - I am one of 3.

Of course strangers assumed he was my grandfather - it did not bother me. I would inform them proudly that he was my dad.

He died quite suddenly when I was 18. This was more than 30 years ago and I miss him every day. Having said that, I wouldn’t have swapped him for 40 years with a younger dad for anything. I think in many ways it was his age that meant he was so incredible.

So women whose partners are age over 40 suffer THREE TIMES as many miscarriages as those with a partner age under 40. Most people don't know this, but male fertility drops off a cliff after age 40. So at the age of 52 he's really pushing it for having healthy kids. Personally I wouldn't have kids with a man aged over 40, definitely not over 50, but it's different once you're actually in a relationship with an older person. It's definitely a concern re having kids with him though - both whether you'll be actually able to conceive and carry a baby to term with him and whether there'll be health problems with the kids etc.

Yeah I've just posted up thread but there's studies that show if a woman's male partner is over 40 she's THREE TIMES more likely to miscarry - due to aged sperm. I've just seen his ex had multiple miscarriages - was he over 40 then? Its a bit of a myth that men can have kids at any age tbh, it might be likely that ship has sailed for him if he's already TTC and can't

I cant really comment on statistics of pregnancy related concerns, but if you are worried about age and you would like to have a child together, I don’t think you have the luxury of time to wait, as whilst you are still young, of course, your DH is only getting older. It sounds like you need to have some serious talks about what you both want and whether you’re ready. If you’re not ready then unfortunately that could mean that you don’t have children together on your horizon as the situation you’re panicking about is only going to get worse. Your DH sounds lovely and I get why you are worried but to be honest, people can fall ill at anytime. No-one knows what is round the corner, all you can do is put things in place to cover different scenarios and have serious talks about what you’ll do in x,y,z situations so you feel comfortable with your decisions. My DH is late 40s, we have got an older ds and a 2 year old. DH looks about 35 though and like your DH is very fit/heathy and active.

OP, I do understand your fears, but I think you need to stop catastrophising and maybe try to live in the present more than in the future. I have a friend whose father had her in his early fifties, and he lived well into his nineties. It was all fine.

Your man and your relationship sound absolutely amazing. Do you know how lucky you are? I would give my right arm and both of my bum cheeks to have what you have.

Be glad, enjoy your gorgeous man, and get thee to the babymaking, is my advice!

Why did he and his ex divorce?