In a very happy, healthy relationship but get panicky at night due to age

[Vorkya]

I am married to a really amazing man. There is a 21 year age gap between us. I’ve just turned 31. Have been together for three years.

Objectively speaking DH is very attractive and fit. He’s a builder and his female clients often make it known they find him good looking. Most assume he is early/mid 40s. Only saying this because that part of the relationship is not an issue.

Dh has made it known he absolutely wants children - his ex wife sadly suffered many miscarriages.

Im VERY content. I get treated well. Dh is well established. He has his own company so has a flexible schedule. He’s phenomenal with children. Dh is great to be around. Very easy going bloke. And he is very tidy!

Despite all of this. I will get terrible waves of anxiety at night. I really get a panicked feeling. And it definitely is caused by DH’s age. I know it sounds crazy but the idea that dh will be in his 60s with a 10 yo (when we have kids) absolutely terrifies me. My own dad had me at 40 and I really was really self conscious of that. But my dad has always had an old soy which I think aged him. He wore suits and briefcases as a child as a preference! And he also did not take care of himself at all health wise so undoubtedly aged prematurely.

I confided in my mum and she said “well why have you only done the maths now”. She never holds back and it’s hurtful to be frank. Dh has promised he will carry on eating well and running/cycling. But I really think I am scared of something happening. Or DH just not being someone who ages well. And then I’ll be in a very difficult position. DH’s dad still goes on long walks and is in good heath (physically and mentally). So that comforts me. We have had discussions about what would happen financially and whilst I would be provided for obviously that’s only part of the issue. I don’t want to raise a family on my own.

often I’ll think wow I’m being crazy. He’s 50 not 70! I need to calm down.

its odd because I only get this concern at night. The rest of the time I feel completely lucky and fortunate.

Yes, they can. Here's a paper from more than 20 years ago discussing it. https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC11729216/ pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC11729216/]]]]

As they say, 'The repair’s extent depends on the oocyte’s quality and the degree and type of sperm DNA damage. High-quality oocytes are more likely to successfully repair damage, particularly if the damage is minor.'

There has been a ton of research on this, which is why I know they've looked at age in this context, and found that younger women's eggs are better at repairing defects in sperm than older women's eggs.

Why do you think they can't do this?

A young man can die unexpectedly. So having a husband your age would not guarantee not having to raise a family alone….. not to mention that a husband of any age could also split up with you.

If you have children there is always the chance you may have to raise them alone. There is also always the chance the Dad may have to raise them alone.

Age really is just a number

So how many women do you know having babies wtth decades younger men?

That’s probably because, men decades younger than women of child bearing age would be children!!

Women are of childbearing age into their 40s so no, they wouldn't be children.

But it turns out age isn't just a number after all!

Or rather, as I have said before, it is only 'just a number' when it's the man who is older.

Well, I know someone who had a child with her 27-year-old husband when she was 50 (donor eggs). But I know the point that poster is making. There are precious few 40-something women having babies with 20-something men, in general.

I'd be interested in what OP thinks about the fact that he has already TTC with another woman who had multiple miscarriages - men age over 40 increase the chance of miscarriage hugely because of aged sperm. Yes SOME men can have healthy babies in their 40/50s - and actually so can some women - but the odds are just worse and risks are greater as men and women age, and you also know he has TTC before resulting in multiple miscarriages and hasn't been able to have a baby. So I think with all the evidence it's probably unlikely he can have children (or it'll be very difficult to). I personally wouldn't be keen to TTC with someone in their 50s - there's bound to be lots of attractive men your own age you could date instead, with less age-gap worries about having kids.

I’m not sure what anyone here can say really, it just sounds like the answer is to get pregnant asap and at least have him be as young of a dad as possible as if you delay kids, he isn’t going to get any younger.

personally I am younger than you and wouldn’t have that age gap for myself. But I think huge age gaps were common in older generations and those families tended to be ok so you might not be lumbered with as much heartbreak as you assume.

I mean my husband died at 38 so to some extent it’s the luck of the draw. As for having kids and his dying then you need to be prepared for that at any age.

I’m in my mid 50s now and am so looking forward to hopefully many years of an active retirement. I couldn’t imagine being with an almost 80 year old now…!

A 20 year age gap is just too inconvenient imo.

I’d say it’s extremely unusual for grandparents not to be alive when their grandchildren are born! My son is 13 and still has all his great-grandparents. I teach and the vast majority of the children I teacher see their grandparents every day as they are childcare for their children.

I suppose it’ll become increasingly common if this generation are having kids in late 30s/40s and then the next generation does the same. Not something to be celebrated though I don’t think, not judging it of course I recognise there are lots of valid reasons to have children later, but I think many on this site are too quick to dismiss the positives of having children younger (defence mechanism I suppose, both sides are guilty of, it’s hard to have a rational conversation about it all).

If you genuinely feel like this, then you’re probably not ready to start a family yet. Your mother is right. Did either you or your DH not think about this before you married? What is his take on the situation? It sounds like you put a lot of importance on looks and superficial qualities, whereas what really matters is the extra risks that fathering in later life may bring, both biologically and practically. Have you considered, when you’re 45, he’ll be well into his late 60s, and probably long retired, whereas you may not feel ready for that, especially if you have a successful career. Perhaps consider talking this through with a therapist, or even a genetic counsellor.

But I think huge age gaps were common in older generations and those families tended to be ok

It's a myth that huge age gaps were common in the past.

wow I’ve not read through all the comments but you’ve had so much negativity.

Im an older mum (42) and now age 48 seriously considering adopting. I don’t consider myself too old.

My Dad sadly died when i was a baby, and I was brought up by a single parent. I never knew any different. Absolutely worst case you’ll end up a single parent but your children would always know about how great their Dad was and how much they were wanted

The age gap would have concerned me when you first met. However a healthy happy relationship is more important. Which you have. Anyone can get ill at any age. If you plan to stay together I’d get on with having a child soon if possible. But you need to feel sure he is what you need/want.

I wouldn’t call that the worst case. Worse would be if he became unwell and needed caring for alongside children being raised, huge pressure on the mum and potential for children to undertake caring. My dad one of the fittest people I know had a heart attack at 59 and has had to stop working and needed home care since (due to ongoing complications). He was a marathon runner, T total, never smoked in his life. These things can happen at any time to any body, but if you look at the stats they’re much more likely to happen in your 50s/60s/70s than in your 20s and 30s.

That's naive.

@collectkdsasmed makes a good point. But equally likely is that the OP does TTC, and either can't fall pregnant or keeps miscarrying, and misses her chance to have children.

If a man were talking about whether he ought to try for children with a 45-year-old woman, everyone would be saying 'well, maybe, but it's an awfully long shot, are you prepared for it to be heartbreaking'. We ought to do the same here.

Of course some people get lucky and of course some people have the emotional resources to accept a rough journey towards children. But it's worth thinking about beforehand, especially for the OP's husband, who needs to be aware here.

Agreed. And adoption is an entirely different situation — besides removing the potential conditions due to older paternal age, most agencies have a cut off point of an adopting parent being 45 years older than the child, and obviously it’s possible to adopt an older child.

Im an older mum (42) and now age 48 seriously considering adopting. I don’t consider myself too old.

The adoption agencies might well consider you too old however.

Besides, you will have no biological input into the child. When you had your child, you were a decade younger than this man would be. That's a major difference.

Well, your mum's not wrong....

@IcedPurple theres’s upper limit to adopt

anyway adoption was not really my point. The OP is very young so even if something happens to her partner she’d be around. I don’t think her partner is too old as the risk of the child being without a parent is low

@collectkdsasmed if we all took such a negative approach none of us would have children as there’s always a risk at any age of critical illness

I doubt that adoption agencies would agree with you about not being too old at almost 50!

And the ‘worst case scenario’ could be much worse than you imply, as her husband could become seriously ill and need care.

It’s not negative but realistic!

Two parents both in their 20s or early 30s have a very small risk of becoming seriously ill or dying! That’s a risk worth taking for most.