In a very happy, healthy relationship but get panicky at night due to age

[Vorkya]

I am married to a really amazing man. There is a 21 year age gap between us. I’ve just turned 31. Have been together for three years.

Objectively speaking DH is very attractive and fit. He’s a builder and his female clients often make it known they find him good looking. Most assume he is early/mid 40s. Only saying this because that part of the relationship is not an issue.

Dh has made it known he absolutely wants children - his ex wife sadly suffered many miscarriages.

Im VERY content. I get treated well. Dh is well established. He has his own company so has a flexible schedule. He’s phenomenal with children. Dh is great to be around. Very easy going bloke. And he is very tidy!

Despite all of this. I will get terrible waves of anxiety at night. I really get a panicked feeling. And it definitely is caused by DH’s age. I know it sounds crazy but the idea that dh will be in his 60s with a 10 yo (when we have kids) absolutely terrifies me. My own dad had me at 40 and I really was really self conscious of that. But my dad has always had an old soy which I think aged him. He wore suits and briefcases as a child as a preference! And he also did not take care of himself at all health wise so undoubtedly aged prematurely.

I confided in my mum and she said “well why have you only done the maths now”. She never holds back and it’s hurtful to be frank. Dh has promised he will carry on eating well and running/cycling. But I really think I am scared of something happening. Or DH just not being someone who ages well. And then I’ll be in a very difficult position. DH’s dad still goes on long walks and is in good heath (physically and mentally). So that comforts me. We have had discussions about what would happen financially and whilst I would be provided for obviously that’s only part of the issue. I don’t want to raise a family on my own.

often I’ll think wow I’m being crazy. He’s 50 not 70! I need to calm down.

its odd because I only get this concern at night. The rest of the time I feel completely lucky and fortunate.

His sperm is old.... How do you know he isn't the one causing miscarries

Absolutely. I had a grandchild at your husbands age and it is exhausting! I also have a friend with a much older husband and although he no longer works (gave it up to be there for the children) he has aged about 20 years in the last 5. Young children are exhausting.

He is too old for children. I know George Clooney, Lenny Kravitz etc did it, but they are millionaires and they have no childcare or ongoing care issues if they are incapacitated.

You're happy together. Why risk that for a child that may well grow up without a father or with a father that isn't around for long?

And as others have said, old mens sperm increases the chance of birth defects or miscarriage.

Why is that the choice though? Are there only deadbeats and older men out there? I think not.

If you have a baby at 30 and drop dead at 50, your child is 20.

If you have a baby at 50 and drop dead at 55, you leave behind a 5 year old.

This isn't about what is good for the parent. It should be what is good for the child.

So you got together when you were 28 and he was 49? What did your parents think and did your mum not express any reservations then? As a previous poster said I'd not be that happy if that was my daughter.

Yet she did it.

Well, your mum's right. This is something you should have thought about before marrying someone 20+ years your senior.

I also think you're kidding yourself about how content you are - you wouldn't need to mention to multiple times (and in caps) if you were truly happy.

I'm sorry you're feeling panicky OP. But as I see it if you want children there are some choices: you can have a child with a guy you love and trust and is fit and well (although older) or you can try to find someone else. However, there is no guarantee you find the right person, no guarantee he'll be as good as your current partner. I would suggest you have some counselling to talk through your feelings. If I was in your position I'd be looking to stay with your current partner and have a child with him if you both want that. Hope you work through it successfully.

I don’t know what you’re trying to say. I’m pretty sure biology is not that black and white though.

My grandparents all died well before I was born.

Hi lovely OP, you're right to be thoughtful about this.
My DP is 56, I am 36, and we have a 3 y/o.
DP is a good dad. He is patient and kind and he is up for playing and will read stories for hours. But our load is not equal.
I have more energy and I do far more for our DD day to day. As he approaches 60, he is slowing down a little. He isn't like some poor old man or anything, but he doesn't have the same 'oomph!' as he did 7 years ago when we met and I do think some of that is because having a newborn and then a toddler is hard work and it does exhaust you - no matter how fit you are pre-baby!

I love our family, and I'd never say "don't do it!" but if I had known at 29 what I now know at 36, I would perhaps not have chosen to set my life up with a man 20 years older than me and so I think all I would say is: be mindful, but if you do want a family and you don't think you want one with this man, move away gently and swiftly to give both of you time to find an alternative path to parenthood if it is what you both want.

With love and luck to you xx

And how sad that all is.

Same.

Op, do you actually want children? You say he does but that you are content.

My mum lost her first husband at 28, and my dad lost his first wife at 30.

This was the late 1950’s though, I do see that this would be very unusual now but being widowed in middle age is still not that rare for women, and with an age gap of 21 years the likelihood of OP becoming a carer and/or widow in her forties or fifties is very high, however well her DH looks after himself.

In fact having a hard physical job will increase, not reduce, the possibility of this, even if it seems its keeping him fit. Heart and lung diseases are rife in the building trade.

My late husband was 22 yrs my senior. All I can say is that what you're going through is normal for most of us who have been in such a relationship.

You need to be sensible and make sure that the financial side of things is taken care of - my DH did that for me.

Why did they divorce?

It's a shame you didn't get it before. When your kid(s) leave home and most parents would be enjoying the empty nest, you might end up taking care of him instead. Even if he takes care of himself, you can't guarantee he'll be fit and healthy in 20 years.

There are mums and dads in their 50s that have 4-5 & 6 year old.
Its not a choice I'd want but many do have kids a lot older now.
I know a 55 year old with 9 year old all good there.
I also know a lady 47 with a 3 year old and pregnant with baby number 2.

I personally think their mad but being healthy helps.

I think you are over thinking this OP. Anything can happen to anyone, at any age.

He sounds like a good man, with a good solid background and a great candidate to have a family with. Birth defects and miscarriages can happen to anyone so don’t let that hold you back.

could you book an appointment with a fertility clinic or similar for some pre conception advice? I’d imagine you’d have to pay but it may put your mind at rest a little.

In your shoes I think I’d be inclined to ignore the outside influences and crack on making your family

If you were the same age, statistically you would have already been likely to outlive him.

With such an age gap the odds are pretty clear.

Some posters are really putting the boot in, aren't they?

I put off getting married because of my worries. Most of us in age gap relationships aren't stupid - we know what the realities can be.

I can think of only one person who didn't. It turned out that her husband hadn't thought to write a will, etc and it left her with significant problems after he died of a heart attack in his late 60s. That's why I mentioned upthread that my husband made sure to sort things out - he wrote his will and he had a funeral policy.

If I'd been given the choice between marrying my husband with the age gap or marrying him without the age gap, then of course I'd have chosen without. The fact of the matter is that he was my darling. We had 27 years of marriage.

Children didn't happen for us - no medical reason, apparently. By the time I was in my 40s, I thought it unfair to go down the IVF route.

It's not just about him as a father: when you are 60 he will be 80. Believe me, that is a massive gap.

I sometimes get panicky at the thought of what I’d do if DH dies first and he’s the same age as me! This is something that would really worry me with an age gap relationship. Not just the knowledge that you will have a reduced shared life but also the fear of potentially being in a caring role quite young. And yes I really don’t think it’s very responsible to have kids 50+.

I know this isn’t very helpful, but I’m only saying it to validate your feelings and say as much as you may love him, it is a valid reason as to why the relationship potentially isn’t suitable long term or for children. Whilst frank, your mum is correct. And it may be too late now in terms of being married, but it’s not too late when it comes to considering your life in regards to what you want to with having children and your later years. If you didn’t want children I’d just say enjoy the relationship for as long as you can, but obviously you don’t have that luxury if you do want children.

I also think that you are too old to have kids in your 50s. I don't see who would benefit from it. The baby/toddler stage is one thing but it's just not fair on anyone to try and raise a teenager in your 70s. I have just come out of that stage at mid-40s and it has been exhausting on a level that I had never envisioned during the baby years. It's emotionally and physically something else and just thinking that someone not far from my mum's age was going to go through that stage leaves me a bit cold. It doesn't matter how fit and young he looks, there is no way he will be able to relate to an 18 year old when he's 70+.

Do all the maths for the possible scenarios. If he dies, leaving you with children to bring up alone, what will you do for money? Is this part of what's worrying you, maybe? You could calm your fears by making sure he's got reasonable life insurance/disability insurance?