In a very happy, healthy relationship but get panicky at night due to age

[Vorkya]

I am married to a really amazing man. There is a 21 year age gap between us. I’ve just turned 31. Have been together for three years.

Objectively speaking DH is very attractive and fit. He’s a builder and his female clients often make it known they find him good looking. Most assume he is early/mid 40s. Only saying this because that part of the relationship is not an issue.

Dh has made it known he absolutely wants children - his ex wife sadly suffered many miscarriages.

Im VERY content. I get treated well. Dh is well established. He has his own company so has a flexible schedule. He’s phenomenal with children. Dh is great to be around. Very easy going bloke. And he is very tidy!

Despite all of this. I will get terrible waves of anxiety at night. I really get a panicked feeling. And it definitely is caused by DH’s age. I know it sounds crazy but the idea that dh will be in his 60s with a 10 yo (when we have kids) absolutely terrifies me. My own dad had me at 40 and I really was really self conscious of that. But my dad has always had an old soy which I think aged him. He wore suits and briefcases as a child as a preference! And he also did not take care of himself at all health wise so undoubtedly aged prematurely.

I confided in my mum and she said “well why have you only done the maths now”. She never holds back and it’s hurtful to be frank. Dh has promised he will carry on eating well and running/cycling. But I really think I am scared of something happening. Or DH just not being someone who ages well. And then I’ll be in a very difficult position. DH’s dad still goes on long walks and is in good heath (physically and mentally). So that comforts me. We have had discussions about what would happen financially and whilst I would be provided for obviously that’s only part of the issue. I don’t want to raise a family on my own.

often I’ll think wow I’m being crazy. He’s 50 not 70! I need to calm down.

its odd because I only get this concern at night. The rest of the time I feel completely lucky and fortunate.

Nobody can guess what’s going to happen and when everyone will die. His dad being in good shape is as good a predictor as you are likely to get. If I was you I’d take a deep breath and just go for it. Unless you want to leave him, which it doesn’t sound like you do.

My Dad was 45 when I was born, I was 15 when he died (heart attack). Anything can indeed happen.

Ah I see! Compromise.

'His ex wife sadly had lots of miscarriages' made me

Yup. My dad was 23, when I was born. He died when I was 15, also from a heart attack.

thats a really nasty thing to say. You have no idea why dh and his ex divorced.

If you do want kids with him I would just crack on.

If you have found a good'un who will genuinely be a good day and a good partner in parenting then you just have to take a look around this site to realise that's not that easy to come by!

I think he’s still fine to become a dad (considering how healthy and fit you say he is) but I wouldn’t delay a single month more if you do decide to go ahead!

People who have heart attacks at a young age either don’t look after themselves (which this guy does) or they have an underlying condition, which anyone could have.

I would never have a child with a 50 year old!

It would be different if you were also older and desperate to have a baby, but at 31 you are so young and have lots of time. Sorry, but I agree with your mum. And it’s not too late to change your mind, just because you married.

My father had me at 53 my mother was 29. There were occasional moments as a young child I felt slightly embarrassed, but I had a great childhood. I would not let the ‘what ifs’ stop me having a child. My father was great and I would not have changed it at all!! He died at 83 when I was 30. He saw me get married and have children. In your position I would go for it. You never know what is ahead but if it’s something you both want, then age should not stop you.

Did he seek any fertility testing after his ex-wife's miscarriages OP?

I think 30 is still quite young to lose your parent - they may not get to meet their grandchildren.

My mum was 40 when she had me, my dad 10 years younger and my dad died 15 years earlier!

Sad the ex had so many misscarriages sometimes that can be due to poor sperm quality

With women having kids later, not meeting your grandchildren isn't that unusual

Wanted to bump this, as I was scanning the comments to see if it had been mentioned.

Men, particularly men of a certain vintage, seem to be blithely unaware of how they impact conception, pregnancy and child health. If you are thinking of moving forward, maybe a consult at a fertility clinic so he can hear this from an objective source?

I would also discuss what would happen if you did have a child with additional needs, or struggled to conceive. You're statistically more likely to have an easy time of it, and I hope that's the case, but family planning should always acknowledge worst case scenario in case it ends up a reality.

My own DF was 46 when I was born. His age didn't impact my childhood, though he was fairly absent. He had a view childrearing was women's work - just to make sure as well there's no generational assumptions that'll impact your experience.

I think if you love him, and you see yourself with him long term, then make babies and be happy. ❤️ But just maybe get some therapy to work out if you have cold feet about the DC or about the relationship.

Your mum lost her husband aged 49 That’s another sad aspect of marrying a much older man.

@Vorkyahow lucky you are to have married someone whom you think so special and love so dearly 🥰
Unless one individual in a couple is very, very young (as in inappropriately so) age is just a number. Neither of you can change this - really, what are the alternatives? That you leave him and find a younger man? Or don’t have children? I suspect neither of those would work for you. He can only do what he can - and children keep us young. There are no guarantees in life, a younger man might suffer illness or accident - and so I wish you all the luck in the world in conceiving when you are ready and that your husband stays fit, healthy and young in outlook for decades to come.

Because the OP wants advice on having kids with an older man, not to discuss the attractiveness or not of her partner

It may not be unusual but it’s still a little sad imo

Yeah ,,that wouldn't be right for me
I don't think anyone should have kids in their 50s

And my mother lost her first husband at 23. Life, and death, happens.

I think it's pretty unusual!

I don't believe that age is just a number, but everyone has to make that decision for themselves.

Oh yes, I was off by 10 years, sorry. But 59 is still quite young!