In a very happy, healthy relationship but get panicky at night due to age

[Vorkya]

I am married to a really amazing man. There is a 21 year age gap between us. I’ve just turned 31. Have been together for three years.

Objectively speaking DH is very attractive and fit. He’s a builder and his female clients often make it known they find him good looking. Most assume he is early/mid 40s. Only saying this because that part of the relationship is not an issue.

Dh has made it known he absolutely wants children - his ex wife sadly suffered many miscarriages.

Im VERY content. I get treated well. Dh is well established. He has his own company so has a flexible schedule. He’s phenomenal with children. Dh is great to be around. Very easy going bloke. And he is very tidy!

Despite all of this. I will get terrible waves of anxiety at night. I really get a panicked feeling. And it definitely is caused by DH’s age. I know it sounds crazy but the idea that dh will be in his 60s with a 10 yo (when we have kids) absolutely terrifies me. My own dad had me at 40 and I really was really self conscious of that. But my dad has always had an old soy which I think aged him. He wore suits and briefcases as a child as a preference! And he also did not take care of himself at all health wise so undoubtedly aged prematurely.

I confided in my mum and she said “well why have you only done the maths now”. She never holds back and it’s hurtful to be frank. Dh has promised he will carry on eating well and running/cycling. But I really think I am scared of something happening. Or DH just not being someone who ages well. And then I’ll be in a very difficult position. DH’s dad still goes on long walks and is in good heath (physically and mentally). So that comforts me. We have had discussions about what would happen financially and whilst I would be provided for obviously that’s only part of the issue. I don’t want to raise a family on my own.

often I’ll think wow I’m being crazy. He’s 50 not 70! I need to calm down.

its odd because I only get this concern at night. The rest of the time I feel completely lucky and fortunate.

And yeah a builder or any construction worker as I’m married to one, CANNOT keep working at a decent level of income post 55. Their poor bodies just can’t cope!

100 percent.

Your mum is right. Not sure how it’s her being hurtful when you yourself are worried about it.

I honestly wouldn't want a life partner to be that much older than me, due to the overwhelming likelihood of losing them when I was still comparatively young.

He has his own business. So perhaps will manage it rather than be working in the actual construction himself.

So is my partner, but he also is very hands-on he can’t help himself

My eldest child is not his it was from a relationship with a partner 20 years older than me. We lasted until she was 3, And we limped along until then. I am now 56 and there is no way on God’s earth I would want a 76-year-old partner in my life thank you very much!!

Think long-term that is all I’m gonna say! Good luck

When I say “I could definitely wait” I mean I would happily have a few years just enjoying married life and not feel like I was missing out

Your man and your relationship sound absolutely amazing. Do you know how lucky you are? I would give my right arm and both of my bum cheeks to have what you have.

If you're a young woman happy to date men in their 50s you should have no trouble finding someone without having to relinquish your bum cheeks or any other part of your anatomy.

Middle aged blokes really are not hard to find. Quite the opposite.

But the alternative isn’t a ‘deadbeat’ because the op is very young and could find an amazing dad who’s the same age as her!

Op, he is 52 now so he’ll be over 70 when your child is an older teenager!

Age gap relationships are very normalised on MN and the "but a younger partner could also die" line is always trotted out too.

The reality is that it's far from ideal and statistically you are likely to be a widow a lot younger than your contemporaries who marry men the same age as them and your children are likely to have their dad in their lives for less time - especially if you are planning to wait a bit too.

You have to weigh this all up and be certain it's right for you
Also however fit he is, he is likely to find the relentless grind of the baby years harder than a man twenty years younger than him.

But if you were unable to have children after that, how would you feel?

Not many women who know they want children at 31 would put it off, especially with a partner in his 50s.

And yet the odds are also fairly high he won’t be around to see his own grandchildren born. Not great is it

I'm 51 and my exH destroyed my dream of a lifelong romantic partnership with his abuse. Hence me saying I'd give a lot to have had the kind of relationship OP describes at 31.

You don't know. My friend's dad had her in his early fifties and died in his early nineties. He got about 12 good years of being a grandad.

Anyway, basically OP accepts things as they are, or ends her marriage and looks for someone younger. That's what it boils down to.

Might be worth remembering that in 20-30 years, when her DH is older, medicine will have come up with marvellous new things.

OP, it sounds like your relationship and your man has many advantages. He sounds wonderful, as does your relationship. Unfortunately, with his age, time to wait isn't one of those advantages.

I wouldn’t have a child with a man in his fifties - I think it’s incredibly selfish on your part as well as his- autism link aside - which is significant by the way - Google it - if you wait a couple more years by enjoying being married he will be mid fifties and I think that’s just grim sorry to saddle a young child with a father that age

So he's now 92, doing 12-mile hill walks?? Wow.

And his much-younger partner died very young, it seems. Gosh, you just never know, do you.

That’s the downside of such relationships sadly… you’ll likely spend the last 20-30 years (men usually die younger than women and tradies die younger on average than other men) of your life without him and maybe won’t even be retired when he passes.

Your mum is right… you’ve chosen to be with someone decades older than you and these considerations are things you should’ve thought of in the first few weeks of dating.

Then again you could get hit by a car tomorrow or get a disease and die before he does.

But you’re my age and your husband is just 8 years younger than my mum. So you have to understand that it’s an obvious risk. You can either get over it or you break up.

Most reasonably healthy people nowadays live into their 70s or beyond, which means DH would likely be around until any children reach adulthood. And I wouldn't worry too much about them feeling embarrassed about having an older dad - kids are quite often embarrassed by their parents regardless.

If it were me in your shoes, and I wanted children, I think I'd do it. Life's too short to worry about the what ifs. If you love DH, and you also want children, I say go for it.

And yet average life expectancy for men is still around 79, so statistically speaking, I’m likely to be correct.

Whatever advances happen in medicine over the next 20-30 years, people who are already in their 70s/80s are realistically not going to be the ones to benefit from them unfortunately. Much as we might like to, the planet can’t cope with us all living forever 🤷‍♀️

In OPs shoes, if I wanted children, I’d be looking to have them with someone else.

Hi Op

I am 16 years older than my partner. I met him when he was 41. He had been married and divorced. Obviously, having children was not even a consideration for us ( although I was 42 when I had my third child)

I have no idea how long we will have together. I do everything I can to maintain a healthy lifestyle. There are no guarantees in life. Enjoy the present is the best advice I can give you.

My Dad had my sister when he was 47/48 , he had me at 28. He's been a much better Dad to her , I wish I'd had the Dad he has been to her.

I had two DS now one 5 and one about to tun one , and I think it will hit her more when she had children as he won't see them grow up. But it's never effected her yet. She's 16.

My ex partners Dad also had him when he was 48. He's now 34 and his Dad is still alive and has been a wonderful dad.

Presumably because it’s relevant to her feelings for him, and helps to explain why his age isn’t something that she actually notices any impact from day to day - because he’s an attractive, fit man who looks younger than he is, she’s not constantly reminded of his age all the time.

Also, because Mumsnet has its fair share of judgemental dickheads, if she hadn’t made his attractiveness clear, a load of people would have made nasty comments implying he must be wealthy to have attracted her.