Does anyone else’s H do this when they’re ill?

[Taq]

I’ve had proper flu this week, absolutely floored me. As in can’t get up, can’t function, proper ill. I’ve had kids off school to look after and no real help.

H is annoyed with me. He’s barely speaking to me, crashing around the place looking for things that I’ve apparently lost, asking pointed questions about has such-and-such been done, when he knows I’ve barely been able to wash. He hasn’t acknowledged that I’m ill. When I mention it he pretends its funny playing a tiny violin, or ignores me, or says yes he’s got a cold too but feels better when he just gets on with it.

He makes me feel so needy and pathetic, when in reality I’m neither. I can’t stand him when he’s like this.

I hadn't realised until I joined MN how common this type of behaviour is OP. Unfortunately.

So many men just can't stand it when their wives/ partners are unwell and they are unable to provide their normal service.

It really highlights their pure selfishness. And calls into question whether they actually have any love for their wife or partner at all.

I'm so sorry he is letting you dowheat a time when he should be showing you love and care.

I would be rethinking my relationship with him.

He seems genuinely pissed off and irritated that I’m so weak. It’s like I’ve had a mild cold and insisted on taking to my bed with a little bell.

When I asked him why he is so annoyed with me, he flew off the handle with ‘oh don’t start looking for a fucking fight too now, I’m NOT ANNOYED.’

Honestly what an absolute nobhead.

Yes my 'DH' does this too. Its his major character flaw that he can't deal with sick people, especially me.

No he absolutely doesn’t. He runs me a bath, sends me to bed, offers food and drink and medication as required.
He doesn’t ’fuss’ over me, he leaves me to recuperate and picks up what needs doing at home.
As i do for him. It’s maybe a once a year event for both of us.
Sorry your dh is such a self centred arsehole and I hope you recover soon 💐

ExDH is quite good with physical illness and although we’re separated and have been for almost a decade, will come over / take over the childcare / look after me if I’m bedridden (had flu last year and noro the year before that- both times I wasn’t fit to parent and he just moved in for a few days) but absolutely did not/ does not cope at all well with any kind of mental health need on my part.

Hence our relationship fell apart when I had PPA/ PPD- and I didn’t try to save it. I wasn’t going to live with a partner who wasn’t able to cope when I was less than “perfect”- the idea that I couldn’t have a rough patch, without him completely falling apart, was too much pressure.

I think I’d feel the same if he’d been like that about physical illness too.

I would divorce him, he is a cunt.
He's the kind of person who would dump you if you got cancer.
My exH of 20 years who behaved like this dumped me when I was seriously ill in hospital because, "I don't want to be married to a useless cripple".
I went on to make a full recovery and my life is many times happier without him.

From his perspective, his bangmaid appliance has broken down, and he's doing the verbal equivalent of thumping it a couple of times and turning it off and on again. A lot of men treat their ill wives like this.

This is why I live alone with a cat.

Hurray!

@Gettingbysomehow bloody hell how unbelievably cruel. Thrilled that you went from strength to strength in more ways than one 💐

This is awful OP! It doesn’t seem like any sort of partnership to me and, when you are stronger, I hope that you tell him so.

What’s the point of living with someone like this? If they can’t help you when you really need help then they are showing you what they think of you.

i’m really sorry.

This.

The first sentence made my day!

My ex when I had bad flu and was in bed decided our top hallway needed decorating and set up a pasting table right next to the bed

Nope. I have a cold this weekend and DP has taken our toddler and dog out for a lengthy walk and then to the "local beverage establishment" as he calls it, so that I can have a nap. If I am really unwell (COVID/flu a few weeks ago for example) then he'll take on more of the housework and essentially wait on me hand and foot.
I do the same when he is ill.
I do realise how lucky I am when I read things on this site.

I’m laid up with tonsillitis and an ear infection. Mines out right now picking up medication, doing shopping and when he gets home he’s going to tidy the kitchen and start preparing dinner.

If your husband is treating you badly when you’re not well with the flu ? What’s it going to be like with something serious ?

Before I met my husband I was in an abusive relationship and he acted similarly when I was ill. The final straw was coming out of the hospital after three weeks and laying in my bed to wake up to him hovering over me, swearing at me and pushing me out of the bed because I hadn’t flipped the mattress after I changed the sheets. I ended up back in hospital.

Get out, it doesn’t get better.

A few years ago I had a mystery illness which turned out to have a (quite serious) physical cause when eventually diagnosed, but played absolute havoc with my mental health. I asked him to come home one day as I felt so unwell, he came banging through the door told me he’d have to give up work if I couldn’t help myself, and was absolutely vile to me. I got a doctors appointment that day and he took me, I cried to the GP about how I felt and what he said, and she absolutely railroaded him. He’s never been like that since, if he ever did it again there’d be no other chances. But I haven’t forgotten it.

My exh was like this. God forbid I was ever ill. He was foul to me, yet if he was ill I always took everything off his plate and enabled him to rest.

It wasn't the only way in which he was an abusive prick. I hope you're feeling better soon, OP, and once you are, please have a long hard think. I highly doubt that this attitude to his malfunctioning appliance (you) is the only way he's awful.

Your husband is abusive OP

I hope you feel better soon and when you do have a real think about things. No one needs a team mate like this

Men always show their colours when their wives are out of commission. They either step up, or they strop. The latter are the type to dump you for getting a serious long term illness.

Tell him, that when you are well. You're both going to have a conversation with him and go to bed. Even better if you can go somewhere you can be cared for and leave him at home.

You need to sit him down and tell him how order of order it is! Like people have said above, what if you got seriously ill? I really don't see the point in these relationships where it's a constant battle to get even a little bit of compassion or respect. Why do people choose to stay? It's something that will always blow my mind, this is why I'm single 😂

OP, does he also start doing pointless tasks that are 'very important' (but only to him) when you are in a hurry to get out, or have people coming over? Because my XH did both - I had suspected meningitis over one Christmas and was three months pregnant- I was crippled with a headache that the doctors couldn't treat (because of the pregnancy) and was told to rest. He took no time off, didn't help with Christmas shopping or prep in any way, and left me looking after our four kids with no assistance and almost unable to stand up.

He would also clean out the shed when we had visitors coming and the house was a tip, or mow the lawn while we all sat in the car, clock ticking to get somewhere. I thought the two things were linked.

I just couldn’t tolerate that. It speaks volumes about what sort of person he is .How can you have any respect for him at all?

No, but my husband doesn't see me as a household appliance so there'd be no reason for him to get angry when I stop working. He looks after me when I'm ill and carries my bit of the load without complaint, which is what a partner should do.

I'm afraid your husband is a bit of a shit. But I imagine you already know that.

You've summed him up rather well - an absolute knobhead.

I kinda wish he also catches flu, then you can enjoy sitting back with your tiny violin. Take care OP, sorry you got a selfish, uncaring one and hope feel much better soon.

Probably something to do eith the way he was brought up. Thst doesn't mean you have to put up with for ever. Surely you've known this a out him for some time, you said you have children ?