Does anyone else’s H do this when they’re ill?

[Taq]

I’ve had proper flu this week, absolutely floored me. As in can’t get up, can’t function, proper ill. I’ve had kids off school to look after and no real help.

H is annoyed with me. He’s barely speaking to me, crashing around the place looking for things that I’ve apparently lost, asking pointed questions about has such-and-such been done, when he knows I’ve barely been able to wash. He hasn’t acknowledged that I’m ill. When I mention it he pretends its funny playing a tiny violin, or ignores me, or says yes he’s got a cold too but feels better when he just gets on with it.

He makes me feel so needy and pathetic, when in reality I’m neither. I can’t stand him when he’s like this.

I think it’s over. I tried to speak to him about how he’d made me feel and he was just vile. He hates me.
It’s not the housework or the fact he’s had to do more - he hasn’t. He just hates me and hates the sight of me ill.
He firmly believes that being ill is a choice that people make. He had flu (a cold) and he carried on. I have flu and I go off to bed. Ok if you’ve got the option, but he doesn’t.

If I wanted waited on I should have said. Left him a list out. Not moan after the fact like he should be able to read my mind. Not be sly and manipulative, say nothing then have a go at him for not magically knowing I needed a cup of tea 3 days ago. Well SORRY but he was out working because some of us can’t stop.

And so on and so forth.

I said ‘it’s not about lists, I just want you to care about me like I’d care about you. I want us to be a team again’ at which he scoffed and laughed and said well we’re not a team are we?? I said what do you mean? What do you think I could do to make us more of a team?
He thought for a bit then said ‘help on the farm more.’

I think I finally give up.

If he doesn't appreciate what you're already doing on the farm stop doing it. Crack on with your own business.

Is his mother a work horse?

I've been laid up in bed with a horrible virus, DH made my lunch, bought my meds, drinks and other bits and bobs today, all without complaint.
However some men can be horrible around illness and looks like you've got one of these.

How are you feeling this morning?

The first thing to do is recover. Make it easy for yourself and kids, just do the minimum to manage. Bring the kettle to the bedroom, snacks, meds.

Then after you feel better, think about what you are going to do next. Its too overwhelming otherwise. I know exactly what your talking about, I have been through it myself. The feeling of being despised for just needing completely normal support and consideration is suffocating.

Take care, find comfort in the simple things you can provide for yourself.

I’m sorry OP, to be met with that response just validates how awful he is, this is nothing to do with you

like PP said focus on getting though this flu then make a plan. I do think it’s worth contacting a domestic abuse charity. I’m skipping way way ahead here but there really is a better life waiting for you on the other side ❤️

He’s married to YOU not to the farm. He might want to tough it out when he’s sick but YANBU to need help sometimes, of course you are not. Imagine saying “I have to be told to wake up the kids” - what a fool.

In sickness and in health OP, what would he be like if you were ever fighting Cancer or you had a degenerative condition. I swear some men think of women as appliances and get mad when they sometimes break. He sounds like he's never around either because he works on the farm so much, don't let him transfer the abuse he suffered on to you.

Get your ducks in a row and your own career back on track. This is no life. Xx

How are you handling this? I’m also ill with flu and kids off school with it too and am just about able to keep my eyes open. I wouldn’t be able to cope with my husband giving me such unkind grief whilst already suffering. If he did though, I’d see him for the truly nasty person he is.

He grew up in an abusive household doesn’t give him the right to do it now to others, especially his wife! But, it does show that the ‘apple doesn’t fall far from the tree.’

Break the cycle and show your kids that this behaviour is not okay - leave him. Yes there will be upset, but remember the root cause of it - that’s not on you.

Once you're feeling better I'd have a long hard look at your marriage and decide if this is really what you want from a partner?
Imagine if you got sick with a chronic illness, would he behave the same? Probably.
Yes splitting is hard for the kids. But do you want them growing up to think this is an acceptable way to treat their partner? To replicate this behavior?
Better now than 5 or 10 years down the line.

@Taq your children will see how unhappy you are. I grew up as a child of utterly miserable farming parents. I was deeply aware of how much my mum hated it, and I grew up resenting her for acting the martyr and doing nothing to save herself. She was trying to keep the family together but we saw through the charade. Please put yourself first.