Does anyone else’s H do this when they’re ill?

[Taq]

I’ve had proper flu this week, absolutely floored me. As in can’t get up, can’t function, proper ill. I’ve had kids off school to look after and no real help.

H is annoyed with me. He’s barely speaking to me, crashing around the place looking for things that I’ve apparently lost, asking pointed questions about has such-and-such been done, when he knows I’ve barely been able to wash. He hasn’t acknowledged that I’m ill. When I mention it he pretends its funny playing a tiny violin, or ignores me, or says yes he’s got a cold too but feels better when he just gets on with it.

He makes me feel so needy and pathetic, when in reality I’m neither. I can’t stand him when he’s like this.

Sorry OP.

You deserve better.

Xx

@Vroomfondleswaistcoat my dh always mows the flipping lawn when we have to go out and finds tasks to do last minute. I started telling him the time to leave was an hour before it actually was as I got so fed up.
However, if I’m ill, he’ll step up and looks after me. I had this flu 3 weeks ago and I didn’t need to concern myself with anything. Dc’s are teens so it wasn’t too difficult but even when they were younger, I was looked after if I was ill and dh stepped up.

Op I’m so sorry you feel so rough and your dh is such an arsehole about it. What’s he like if you want to go out by yourself? Does he look after dc happily so you can do that?
He’ll probably get this flu after you and the arsehole will be expecting lots of care, sympathy and attention. You’ll then need to ask him if you should treat him the same way that he treated you. Men like him make me so angry.

Hope you feel better soon.

I assume you don’t have children with him? If not then please don’t as he won’t support you when they are ill and you’ll still be expected to do it all when you are ill.

That said if this is the first time it’s happened and he’s normally caring etc then I would be asking him to look at how he’s reacted and hi he would want/expect you ti behave if he was ill.

Sorry I haven’t read the whole thread because there is really only one appropriate response: I would be leaving this man. If not now, then when the kids are grown up. Can you imagine how he would be when you are in old age if you develop a chronic illness, get cancer or whatever? I’d rather be on my own.

Bloody hell mumsnetters, you sure know how to pick em.
Me and dp both had flu a few weeks ago, I was the illest I'd ever been in my life.My dp managed to do everything, shopping, looking after wee one, cooking, cleaning. He is 64 but he is a machine.
Op, he just aint good enough, I'd ditch him.

And did that work?

This is a form of domestic abuse. Especially if you speak to a professional they would say the same. I expect he has other questionable behaviours. Also do you really want your kids growing up thinking that behaviour is normal?

He sounds just awful. My DH is not perfect but when my mental health was pretty low he just picked up everything at home without fanfare and quietly encouraged me to try get out of bed without making me feel guilty that it was something that felt impossible for a while. Made sure I ate properly. And vice versa, I’ve supported him through hard stuff too. I do feel like your DH sounds very selfish. He’s annoyed that his life has been impacted rather than seeing this as a point he needs to step up as a partner. To me that’s what marriage is, you help each other get through the hard moments in life and celebrate the wins too.

Mine did ALWAYS, and then got the same illness but far, far worse (boo hoo) a few days later. He even caught my fake illnesses when I cottoned on.

This was one of the reasons I got divorced and will never tolerate again.

After one particularly serious illness diagnosed whilst we were abroad on holiday, which he refused to believe I had, I’d had enough. I needed treatment for it and didn’t have enough personal money and he refused to pay for it from our joint account (we agreed only he’d take a joint card, in the days before mobiles/banking apps) because “you’ve not got fucking (insert illness)…” I was treated when back in the UK and filed for divorce as soon as I recovered.

My XP was like this. He was generally an abusive cunt who always put himself first, that's why he's an ex. He would (did) stand over me in bed demanding I got up and cooked his fucking tea because he was hungry.

DH, no. He would run around doing all the housework and any shopping and cooking and nice meal (even if I was too ill to eat it). Not that he doesn't normally contribute his share, but he definitely sees it as important to be helping out when I'm ill.

When I was with XP I thought all men were like that. They aren't.

Yes, thankfully mine is an adult too.
I don't know why men behave like OPs spouse. Its deeply unattractive, hurtful, and thoroughly unhelpful. All it shows is he resents not being the centre of attention, and relies on someone else to make things rum smoothly.

Hopefully OP will be feeling well enough soon to give him a kick up the arse.

My ex was similar. We weren't married but I vividly remember being floored with a stomach bug that came on overnight. He was so irritated by me inconveniencing him and waking him up. All he would do is tell me to take paracetamol (that I would have to find for myself) and when I refused (because since when did paracetamol cure a stomach bug, not to mention the fact it would go down and come straight back up so what would be the point?!) he snapped at me "well I can't help you if you won't help yourself" and made it perfectly clear he didn't want to be disturbed further. I had to lay on the bathroom floor until the vomiting subsided. We did break up after that (that and many other things - as you can imagine - encouraged me to make the break) for a few years. Stupidly, I ended up back together with him for a few more years later on as he presented himself as a changed man. Safe to say he was not. He'd ramped it all up if anything and I lasted another 4 years before a lucky escape. He decided to tell me after that final split that he'd been diagnosed with BPD as a young adult and had basically chosen to ignore the diagnosis and do nothing about it. Things made more sense after that (personally I wonder if it should've be NPD he was diagnosed with though - especially looking at his family). I wonder if he ever went back to get help. Not that I'm suggesting this crappy behaviour is indicative of these disorders at all!!! It's perfectly possible to be a shitty human being without having these issues. That was just my experience.

Either way. It's not on and I wouldn't put up with it. It's almost a trust issue for some isn't it? I've seen a number of posts on here about partners not treating things seriously until a doctor got involved or the ill person was rushed to hospital. Like they won't believe you until someone they don't know corroborates what you are saying. Hopefully you won't become so ill that someone else will need to tell him how serious it is.

My current partner is perfect in times of illness (doing all the tasks I can't and bringing food and meds etc) and hardly ever gets ill himself (I do feel bad about this as he sort of gets a bum deal but I expect he'd rather be healthy than have me waiting on him because he's sick!)

Hope you're feeling better soon. X

No mine is lovely to me when I’m ill. I got really ill the first time I went to stay at his for the weekend in the early days of our relationship, and he was so lovely and caring, it was the thing that made me realise that I had found a really good man. I have a habit of running myself into the ground and he forces me to drink honey and lemon and rest. Having been in a long, emotionally abusive previous marriage, how someone shows up for you and cares for you is so important.

I had flu last week. In contrast my DH cooked, cleaned, rallied the kids to help. Made sure I was able to take a shower safely, changed my bedding so I felt clean and kept the kids occupied so I could rest. I still have the post-viral fatigue, and DH continues to step up and take my load so I can rest when needed. No moaning, just getting on with it. That's what a real man does. Show him this thread. He needs to know what a terrible person and even worse husband he is being.

Nope hardly ever. In fact, apart from post surgery I think this is the first time since I met him that I’ve been actually unable to get up.

Astonishingly (now concentrate hard as this may shock you) he didn’t behave like this when I decided to marry and have children with him.

God, im so sorry you're having to deal with this OP, as if you're not feeling rotten enough you're having to deal with realising that the man you have built your life with has started to hate you. Wishing you a speedy recovery and divorce.

Well personally I would cut him some slack. He's taking on more than usual in the household and your inflammatory comments " why are you so annoyed with me?", is one of the most irritating things you could say. There's no good answer if you are annoyed or not annoyed.

Mine was an absolute cunt whenever I was ill. I needed a lumbar puncture to check for a bleed on my brain. It left me severely ill for 8 weeks and unable to stand up for more than a few minutes at a time. My exh decided 4 days after I was discharged from hospital to empty every single drawer, and wardrobes and dump it all on the bed cos it ‘needed sorting out’ he then proceeded to come and drag me off the settee knowing full well the only relief from the excruciating headache was to lay completely flat, was to make me stand and sort the entire bedroom out cos he wanted a nap before work. Yet if mummy dearest was poorly he’d be off there like a shot pandering to her every whim

Honestly i would be annoyed if my OH spent days in bed for flu/covid, but then im a take some painkillers and push through sort of person, while i am very caring, and will fetch OH painkillers make cups of tea, favourite meal so they will eat etc and would be sending them back to bed for nap or whatever, days in bed expecting to be waited on hand and foot for flu seems extreme to me xx

Tbf the last time I had flu I wasn't able to stand up. I had to crawl to the toilet.

I suppose I could have got a drink from the bathroom tap if I needed one.

He’s done nothing extra.

Honestly i would be annoyed if my OH spent days in bed for flu/covid, but then im a take some painkillers and push through sort of person

This is exactly his shitty view.
Despite me also being a ‘push through’ sort of person, there is no ‘pushing through’ when you have proper flu and can’t move.

You say you’re a caring person but you sound a sanctimonious twat tbh.

What a horrible man

I am also a pushing through type and rarely take sick days, just dose myself up and keep going.

First time I had COVID I stayed in bed because I couldn't move (and did notbwant to spread it through the household).

I have had flu only maybe 3x in over 50 years. It floored me each time. In bed for a week, with a very slow recovery. It sounds as if you man-pander and have probably never actually had flu, only heavy colds. Sometimes resting makes for a quicker recovery than pushing through.