Does anyone else’s H do this when they’re ill?

[Taq]

I’ve had proper flu this week, absolutely floored me. As in can’t get up, can’t function, proper ill. I’ve had kids off school to look after and no real help.

H is annoyed with me. He’s barely speaking to me, crashing around the place looking for things that I’ve apparently lost, asking pointed questions about has such-and-such been done, when he knows I’ve barely been able to wash. He hasn’t acknowledged that I’m ill. When I mention it he pretends its funny playing a tiny violin, or ignores me, or says yes he’s got a cold too but feels better when he just gets on with it.

He makes me feel so needy and pathetic, when in reality I’m neither. I can’t stand him when he’s like this.

He sounds horrible. When I had proper flu my husband cycled in the sleet at night to an out of hours pharmacy to get me medication. Sounds like he doesn’t like you much.

He’s a knob. What would he do if you were long term ill with something serious? I’d be telling him his behaviour is disgusting, and whilst it might
news to him, you aren’t in that marriage solely for servicing his and the kids needs. Then I’d tell him I need some space from him to consider how he shows up, if you have a spare room I’d be away
there for a few nights.

Not the flu. But currently going through a really difficult pregnancy (37 weeks and riddled with HG and PGP) my DH has been on at me to rest constantly. He runs me baths. Help me dry myself, Bringing me water bottles and tea etc. You have a husband problem and you deserve much better x

Omg this! Not only is he discounting how ill you feel but it’s then trying to inflict shame for you feeling bad and bullying you into getting on with it because you can’t seek support from elsewhere. Your partner should be a partner and prop you up. ExHB told me I “should be over it by now” when I was upset over my nan passing and because I said something about I’d been thinking about when I was a kid and all the fun stuff we used to do together and that would have been about 20 years ago and I felt very aware of how quickly time passes and the fragility of mortality. And he said I should be over it by now. Urgh.

He’s abusive. I hate how easily the term abusive and narcissistic get thrown around, but then these men…

The last Christmas I was still married to ExHB I was so ill on the run up to Christmas, still had to do the present shopping/wrapping and the big food shop, he said he “felt better if he just got up and got on with it” and same as yours the little digs like “are you feeling ill? You haven’t mentioned it”. Xmas day rolled around and he’d caught what I had, he lay on the sofa whimpering and shivering whilst DD opened her presents and whilst I tried to gently encourage him to sort himself out (we were hosting my family) was met with a barrage of abuse.

My BF I am pleased to report is amazing, he stayed over a couple of weeks ago and I got my period and he was asking if I’d got a hot water bottle and where ibuprofen was. Asked if I wanted him to rub my back and I said no because I felt guilty and like a burden; he tentatively did anyway and I felt like that scene in the Simpsons movie when Flanders offers Bart a hot chocolate and then leaves it on the windowsill 😂

No. It's rare that I'm really ill, but when I am my DH is attentive, asks if I want anything, picks up the slack with the DC's, and consoles me when I irrationally think I'm never going to feel well again (I'm a proper crying nightmare as I can't bear being ill, and I become utterly pathetic). He has no patience or tolerance normally, so I'm not pandered to in day to day life. He just really steps up when he knows I need him to.

Nope. I was ill recently and DP was very worried as I am so ratelg incapacitated that he knows when I take to my bed it’s serious. He was a gem.

I told my dh he’d made vows, as far as I was concerned he’d broken them. And one of us was going to get ill before the other when we get old, there is no way in hell that I’m nursing an old man who’s stomped around mad at me if I’m ever ill so do I need to leave him right now to find someone I’m happy to be old and infirm with?

Sounds awful and he's utterly out of line, full stop.

May I ask - are you ill often? I only ask because I have a friend who, by her own admission, is a little bit of a hypochondriac and often feels she is unwell. Every 6-8 weeks she is bed-ridden for a few days with cold or flu or gastro problem. It can be difficult to cope with, and inevitably invites skepticism especially from her work colleagues. Not that it would in any way justify your DH's gross behaviour!!! And please don't jump on me, everyone, for asking!!!!

He's a cunt end of story! I've been ill to the point i can't leave bed my ex had came and stayed to look after our kids bringing me drinks !

@Taq No he’s not like this, thank god. He’s amazing when I’m unwell, which is unfortunately fairly frequently as I live with several chronic illnesses. OK, some things get left household wise but he makes sure I have food and drink and rest as much as I need. He’ll happily run me a bath, and help get me in and out of it.

I was unexpectedly ill a few weeks ago and I had to phone him at work. He came home immediately.

If he wasn’t like this, we wouldn’t still be together that’s for sure.

Equally, I am very supportive of him if he’s unwell. I don’t see how it can be any different if you love someone.

This is 100% my wife. Every time I’m ill, you’d think I was putting it on, but if she’s ill, she expects to be looked after!

I never understand why women procreate with men who hate them.

Men can hide their true colours for a long time.

He’s showing you who he really is. His mask has slipped now that things aren’t exactly as he likes them. You're of no use to him… no sex, cooking , cleaning, His life is not as easy as he’d like it to be. How dare you be ill ! How selfish of you !

I think you’d be happier without him.

Abusive and neglectful men think that "W.I.F.E." stands for "washing, ironing, fucking, etc" and talk about "C.F.C.", "cooking, fucking, cleaning". There are honestly men out there who think of women as appliances.

You can even get it on t-shirts, because they think it's funny.

I'm sorry OP. that's abuse

I can be a tiny bit like this. My parents didn’t tolerate illness, it was seen as being weak (was made to walk on a broken ankle once) there was definitely an element of looking down on anyone who couldn’t just get on with it. I find it hard to be sympathetic when someone is ill, completely different with my DC though, I still expect them to suck it up a bit but they get lots of tea and sympathy. I have worked on it though because it is not a healthy reaction to someone else getting sick.

The other option is the wife isn’t working properly and it’s inconvenient to him. Depends on how he reacts when he’s sick himself. Either way he needs to have a good hard look at himself, his behaviour is frankly horrible.

No my DH doesn't do that and I wouldn't put up with it.

My ex was like this. Would just ignore me. Even when I had severe food poisoning he totally ignored me and didn’t check on me once…. Looking back I probably needed to be admitted to hospital.

When you’re elderly, imagine if you go downhill first. This is a glimpse into how he will treat you. Let’s hope you don’t need physical assistance before he does.

Omg! My DH would never treat me like that if I was ill, he would respond with love and compassion.

I'm sorry OP but given the contempt and total lack of empathy from your DH I'd be questioning if he loves you at all. Absolutely appalling selfish and uncaring response. What a horrible, selfish arsehole he is. I'd genuinely be thinking about leaving based on that. He does not have your back.

I’ve experienced this before. The only advise I have (other than leave the mean twat) is ignore him. Rest as you need to, don’t feel guilty and leave him to perform like a baby. If he eventually tries to pick a fight say “don’t start looking for a fucking fight too”

The number of women who end up divorced when they get ill (cancer/old age etc) is much higher than if it is the man who gets ill.

His passive aggressiveness isn't good, however for me it's context. I can be really ill and get on with it, DH gets man flu and it's on with the dressing gown can't do anything. It irritates me. I try my best to keep a lid on it but I'm probably not overly sympathetic.

Mine would leave me to rest, make me food, make sure everything done.

he would be worried!!!

When you’re better it sounds like you need to try and have a calm sit down conversation with him to highlight this behaviour. Which he’ll deny from the sounds of things. And then you’ve got to decide whether you want a lifetime of your wagon being hitched to someone who actually doesn’t really love you in sickness and in health. As others have said, he would properly be useless if you faced a major health scare