Does anyone else’s H do this when they’re ill?

[Taq]

I’ve had proper flu this week, absolutely floored me. As in can’t get up, can’t function, proper ill. I’ve had kids off school to look after and no real help.

H is annoyed with me. He’s barely speaking to me, crashing around the place looking for things that I’ve apparently lost, asking pointed questions about has such-and-such been done, when he knows I’ve barely been able to wash. He hasn’t acknowledged that I’m ill. When I mention it he pretends its funny playing a tiny violin, or ignores me, or says yes he’s got a cold too but feels better when he just gets on with it.

He makes me feel so needy and pathetic, when in reality I’m neither. I can’t stand him when he’s like this.

This sounds awful! You just need someone to look after you and give you some love and care when you’re not well. DH wouldn’t dream of being annoyed I was ill.

No.
Fucking hell.
I had something similar, couldn't stand up, difficult to breathe. (No children).
My 75yo husband did absolutely what he could, day and night.
I'm really sorry, OP (and extremely angry with these fucking arseholes of men).
Get well soon. 💐

I've had it too. Awful full-blown flu. Couldn't get up for 2 days, aching head to foot, nausea, sinuses blocked, racking cough, sore throat, blinding headache. Dragged myself to the shops so family could eat. Now he's got it and of course for him it's 10 times worse and has necessitated a doctor's visit, and he keeps telling me about all his terrible symptoms.....that I HAD LAST WEEK AND TOLD HIM ABOUT.. 🤬

No. Mine isn't hot on tea and sympathy but he isn't abusive. When I had influenza when the DS was a toddler and he had a case that week, he appreciated I couldn't look after DS and hired a temporary nanny.

And that's exactly how it should be and thatshow we work things.👍

He sounds almost as though he’s punishing you for being ill😡 my ex h was like this. So much so than when I developed pneumonia in 2005 after being ill with flu for two weeks in which he told me to stop moaning and did zero round the house and left me to look after 4 children …. He actually begrudgingly took me to hospital then dropped me off at the hospital entrance where I promptly collapsed .. my current husband had been amazing while I’ve had chemo and had made sure I’m well looked after .. although he’s a wimp himself if he gets ill he would never treat me like that .. I think once you are recovered I’d be looking at your relationship with fresh eyes

You are absolutely right.
Makes my blood boil.
My husband is decent and I'm sometimes thinking about living alone (with a bulldog I'd call Winston).
Only half joke.😀

I think men do this because they consciously milk it for all its worth when they have a man-cold. They imagine women do the same. He doesn't think you are "really sick", because he'd be doing the dying swan act if he was slightly under the weather.

Wow, that's got to be the most unkind thing I've heard anyone say. Your exH sounds terrible.

Mine used to be a bit like this , especially the little violin 🎻.
Then I was hospitalised with severe food poisoning for 7 days . He felt awful because his last words to me before leaving that morning ( and leaving me with a 2 and 5 year old ) were " If it gets any worse just call yourself an ambulance 🙄 " . Which is exactly what I did when I woke up on the bathroom floor and the toilet was full of blood.
That was over 20 years ago and he has never been anything but caring and helpful when Im ill since then.

Apparently it's been scientifically proven that men's general health is worse when ill (so they say!), and hormones like oestrogen are supposed to help women fight off infections better by boosting the immune system. Men lack this, so therefore feel symptoms much more intensely.

I kind of wonder whether this is why they are all so much sicker when they get ill. My DH had flu last week and he laid on the sofa for two days. I had flu too but spent two days running around looking after my family who also had it. It was shite.

I'm really bad with ill people.

I tend to go in periodically & offer food & drink & that's about it.

Make myself scarce & quiet & leave them to rest.

Yeah my ex. I left him after he acted like this while I was miscarrying.

current partner will take all kids even the ones not biologically his, sort food. Bins and dishwasher about all the housework he does but I’m never ill so long that’s insurmountable.

it’s a ref flag men who act like this. It’s a proven phenomenon that men leave their sick wife’s at shocking rates- enough there is training for it to be covered when giving terminal cancer diagnosis

he pretends its funny playing a tiny violin, or ignores me,

That is just so nasty.

Does he hate you Op?

Op my exh was a selfish, abusive, nasty bastard and even he was nicer than this when I was ill. This man has serious contempt for you and his true colours are showing through as soon as you’re out of commission to wait on him hand and foot. I’d be making my plans to get rid of this arse hole before he leave you high and dry.

He's unhappy that his domestic appliance isn't operating as usual
Has no respect or love for you other than that

A few years ago I had an accident and was laid up in bed off work for 4 months. Dh looked after me like the star that he is. He used to leave my next dose of painkillers on my bedside table before he went to work and also made sure the heating was on so I could doze cozily. He did the dinners for us all. He’s not all gushing emotions or romantic at all but the way he cared for me proved he loved me.

My ex did this…….hence he’s my ex! A ‘C’ section was a real inconvenience because I had to stay in hospital………”but who’ll cook my dinner”??? …….was all he could say rather than any comforting words.
He was a knobhead too…….and a very selfish one.

It's that old adage isn't it - 'when someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time'.

Your husband is showing you who he is, and as @selffellatingouroborosofhate has pointed out, he is someone who does not see you as his equal, his love, his wife; he is someone who sees you as his domestic-appliance-he-shags. You exist to serve his needs and wants, and when ill cannot fulfil your function to him, and he's pissed off about that.

So, two things -

1. He's unlikely to change
2. flu lays you low (I remember it well) but you'll be 100% after a few weeks. What would your life be like if, touch wood, you became permanently ill / disabled?

Because shit happens, be it car accidents or strokes or long covid after a pandemic. Nobody can ever be sure they won't get seriously ill, so how is that going to work for you, tied to a knobhead who would berate you for being ill? It would be deeply unpleasant life with him, and such men are known to prefer to replace their faulty appliance rather than become a decent human being.

So my advice would be - look to the long term. You are currently saddled with a partner who will never take care of you, and at heart does not see you as his equal. I'd be planning for a more secure future than that.

Fabulous !!! Xx

Same here, well not the food but he's happy for me to rest and take the strain of dealing with kids much like I do when he's ill. Although out of the 2 of us it is me that gets "man flu"

I always think that this indicates that they don't actually like you, they just like the utility that you provide. My DH isn't particularly sympathetic but he's capable and will run the household when I can't and not push me to resume my usual activities until I feel up to it. He really hates hospitals but he still came to see me when I was in hospital. Because he wants what's best for me.

Having said that, he did go through quite a selfish phase when he was doing a doctorate and also working all hours and genuinely thought he was the most important member of the family and the rest of us were his support team and he would never consider cancelling a work trip (for instance) during that stage. I was pretty sure we were going to split up, but he pulled himself back together and appreciates what he almost lost.

I would leave him. I mean what is the point. You are only a partner worthy of anything when useful? That isn’t love, it isn’t even liking. Fuck him.

Sorry, your husband is an abusive cunt.

Nothing about this is okay.

When you're feeling better, you need to seriously consider your options. Your husband is supposed to be there for you, 'in sickness and in health'. Clearly your husband is falling short and you will have to decide what to do now you know.

I'm recovering from major surgery. After three weeks he was sulking because I wasn't back to doing everything. Google disagrees with my surgeon and my physiotherapist apparently,🙄