Does anyone else’s H do this when they’re ill?

[Taq]

I’ve had proper flu this week, absolutely floored me. As in can’t get up, can’t function, proper ill. I’ve had kids off school to look after and no real help.

H is annoyed with me. He’s barely speaking to me, crashing around the place looking for things that I’ve apparently lost, asking pointed questions about has such-and-such been done, when he knows I’ve barely been able to wash. He hasn’t acknowledged that I’m ill. When I mention it he pretends its funny playing a tiny violin, or ignores me, or says yes he’s got a cold too but feels better when he just gets on with it.

He makes me feel so needy and pathetic, when in reality I’m neither. I can’t stand him when he’s like this.

That’s really shocking.

Sadly not. Not everyone gets sick with the flu like that. But who knows—maybe one day. I’m speaking from my own experience, unfortunately. And then you can tell them everything… or maybe not. Wait—they won’t even remember how they treated you.

Ignore some of the pricks on here OP.

Right now, you need to block him out mentally. You know you’re unwell. You know that ordinarily you power through but you are too poorly to do so and need rest. Do not let him and his words cause worry/guilt/anger. Don’t respond at all.

Secondly, write this down how he has treated you now and come back to it when you’re feeling better and stronger. I’d personally find it hard to forgive someone so cold when I was at a real low.

Hope you get better soon 💐

I like the op’s suggestion to lick his toothbrush and be totally unsympathetic when he gets it - but that’ll create even more work for the op.
Tempting though…

I feel like im almost done with being made to feel like this.

I can now get up and about and do a few small jobs. H’s response to this was to drag me out in the rain yesterday to fix fences on the farm as the bull had escaped. 4 hours in the rain and I felt like I’d been steamrollered. No thanks and no reference to the fact that I was ill. He was trying to be friendly and jokey at least (when he wasn’t being a cunt yelling at me for not doing things right).

Last night I was up until 3 coughing again. Wonder why.
This morning I really struggled to get up. 8 nights of broken/no sleep. Got up at 7:10. Kids need to be up 7 for school. He was up, dressed, had breakfast. Asked if he’d woken the kids or made me a cup of tea. No he hadn’t and immediately defensive.
I said really politely that as I’d been ill (eyeroll from him) I would really appreciate little things like getting the kids up or making me a cup of tea as it helps my sore throat.

He says well if I needed the kids up at 7 why did I wait until 10 past to get up? I said I’d been coughing all night and struggled to get up. He said well tell me then. Send me a list of what you want in the mornings and I’ll do it but I can’t read your mind.

I said that the morning routine in our house is always the same, if he saw the kids weren’t up maybe he could just wake them, and if I did ever leave a list it would be a really short one - just care about me a bit. I was crying by that point and he stormed off swearing and ranting about me. Put his shoes on and left.

I am an intelligent, strong person. How did I ever get into this situation?

We sleepwalk our way in. We trust that our choice of men will have our best interests at heart when the chips are down.

The question you need to ask yourself is what steps need to be done before this happens again. If you want to stay with him, then you need a back up plan. He will never have your back when you're ill.

I don’t want to stay with him. I just don’t want a broken marriage and all the stress and upset that would bring to everyone.

I also feel sorry for him. He’s genuinely not a bad person, but he had an abusive upbringing and his parents make his life miserable to this day. He doesn’t cope well with it but won’t get help.

You sound like you have been through a lot and I know you deserve better and his past is not an excuse for his current behaviour because you certainly don't treat him that way so I don't know why hes taking it out on you.

I think it's time you put yourself first because you and suffering mentally and putting him first does not help you. Please think of you too.

I think it's unacceptable behaviour from your partner, it's supposed to be helping each other bit honestly seems like he is punishing you for being unwell.

Take care of yourself.

🤣🤣 at the local beverage establishment.

lucky? I don’t think we are lucky when I read stuff like this. I just think we are normal…. cos behaviours like the OP is putting up with is seriously abnormal.

Maybe we are fortunate or lucky that we found some of the normal ones though. Because judging by the posts on here - that’s just so many twats out there

At this point though you need to do what’s best for the kids. Seeing this sort of abuse is horrific and will impact them greatly in life, affect their future relationships. To me, you and the kids are living in a domestic abuse situation. You really need to talk to a professional, which as someone from the women’s refuge. None of this is normal. I feel so sorry for you but please think about the kids.

@Taqare you both working full time on the farm? There is absolutely no excuse for the way he’s treating you. He sounds horrendous. However if he’s currently having to keep the farm going single handed, he might be struggling and should just think about getting help in to cover you being sick. Rather than taking it out on you.

There’s enough work for 3 people but he refuses to hire anyone and insists on doing it alone. This results in 20 hour days and me pretty much full time on the books, I do have my own career but hardly ever get to work as his lifestyle allows for no slack for me to work.

They get annoyed when wife appliance malfunctions

Sounds like neither of you can go on like this. When you’re feeling better I hope you can have a serious chat about things changing drastically.

He's repeating the cycle with his children though.

A friends son farmers who grew up with abuse, because his father had been abused. Had a vasectomy in his twenties. Said that he couldn't trust himself to be a good father. I was shocked into silence.

You and the children need an escape plan.

You already do have a broken marriage.

I can't believe he said if you need the kids up at 7. Are they not your mutual kids? Does he not know they have to be up for school etc? How useless.

Men like this are profoundly selfish and fucking terrified at the thought that anything might be required of them. They mostly think of other people as means to an end, and are concerned mainly with what services others can provide them. They see illness as an interruption in service and they panic, thinking they will be required to fill the gap - and like most emotionally illiterate men, they read their own fear as anger and get stroppy.

It's simple, and sad. And no, they don't change. The best some of them might learn to do is pretend. But fundamentally they aren't capable of really caring about someone else, only about the impact others have on THEM.

Leave the bastard

His farm is not your problem.

I mean this kindly, but sweetheart your marriage is already broken you just won't face that fact. The s

"his parents make his life miserable to this day" - surely he should see not to do the same to you?

You cannot fix this man, as I suspect you are trying to do. He will not change. And perhaps if you won't leave to save yourself, you'll do it to save your children. Because don't kid yourself, he'll treat them exactly the same as he was taught by his parents .

As soon as you're on your feet, pack up and leave. Your marriage ended a long time ago, as soon as he broke the 'in sickness and in health' vow.

You fear "all the stress and upset that would bring to everyone". The stress and upset of staying in this already-broken marriage is already worse.

Have you ever actually had flu, as opposed to a bad cold? Flu hospitalises and kills people

Aw: his Wifematic 2000 has malfunctioned. There’s no customer service to which to complain, so he’s taking it out on you. Very poor form.

Yes something similar in that he didn’t offer drinks or food when I usually cook for him and my friend said the same about her man. I’m well now and I’m not cooking yet. He is now doing the cooking for both of us which is weird as I am well enough to cook.. There’s probably some reason for this but I’ve put it down to them being spoilt self centred pricks.

Honestly op you need to stop feeling sorry for him because this is keeping you trapped in this relationship as you're making excuses for him. Get mad at him, yes he can help this behaviour, he is abusing you. Make plans to leave. Lots of us have left abusive marriages and we can give you advice to do the same, however first you have to accept this marriage needs to be over and you have to WANT to leave.

its a very sobering post to read because my H also can’t cope with any illness I might have that disrupts his routine - I had to get up at 6.20am this morning and make myself a mint tea as I had tummy ache, then went to work at 9 - he had to take his dad 28 miles away for day surgery and when I got back his first comment was ‘I’m absolutely knackered after being woken up at 6.20- and having to drive there and back - never mind ‘how are you feeling ‘ etc - he never used to be this selfish , it has definitely come on post 50 - he’s 61 now. He’s the same if i dare to cough in the night etc - but expects me to be fully wake and check him for rashes, temperature etc if he ever feels unwell at odd times.