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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DH blamed sex life on me being fat

238 replies

Dululu · 26/11/2025 22:52

So for context I am size 16-18, approx 15 stone, so objectively yes I am fat. When we got married seven years ago I was 11 stone and size 12-14. I put on some weight during lockdown, some after having our daughter, and some more due to taking prescribed steroids. My ‘normal’ weight is more like 12-12.5 stone and a standard size 14.

We are having fertility treatment at the moment and our sex life has been dire. So much so that on ‘scheduled’ days DH sometimes just w*nks until he is ‘ready’ and then I come in at the end. Sex has been an issue for years really, with me wanting more sex and us to go to bed together, but he likes to stay up and watch tv alone.

Tonight we’ve had a horrible argument- he made a joke about my boobs being saggy which I didn’t find funny and told him so, he then marched off saying ‘have a sense of humour’ and mocking my voice. Later he said he was really offended that I had previously suggested he look into his testosterone levels as his libido seemed low. And that he was fine when we got married, and what had changed, looking me up and down i.e. it’s all about my weight. He also said ‘Are you blind or are you dumb?’ when referencing this.

This isn’t the first time he’s been nasty about my weight, he’s thrown it in my face a few times before. I wouldn’t mind things being said in a kind way at a calm time as part of a sensible decision discussion, but it’s always been as an insult.

He doesn’t seem to care about upsetting me. I think this might be the end.

OP posts:
ThatCyanCat · 26/11/2025 22:54

Don't have a child with him. Don't have anything to do with this misogynistic bully.

Kippykangarooo · 26/11/2025 22:57

What a dreadful man.

Motnight · 26/11/2025 22:59

Don't have another child with this man, he despises you

sprigatito · 26/11/2025 23:00

Stop the fertility treatment. You can’t go through something as emotionally and physically demanding as that with a vindictive misogynist - and do you really want your future child to grow up with that for a father?

InfoSecInTheCity · 26/11/2025 23:02

I think it should be the end and please don’t continue to try to have a child with him. If hes this horrible to you now then chances are it will be a lot worse if you do have a child and he is then sleep deprived, no longer the sole focus of your attention, feeling the pressures and responsibilities of fatherhood etc Rarely does bringing children into a relationship make things better, if there are already cracks then they become fissures. His words and actions were deliberately cruel, intended to cause you pain and make you feel humiliated.

Coffeeishot · 26/11/2025 23:05

Do not have any more children with him what a horrible disrespectful man,

youwillneverknow · 26/11/2025 23:07

I’m a similar weight to you now and was similar to your previous weight when I married DH too. He would never say anything nasty like this! Not even during an argument. But my awful ex would 100% have done so. Once is bad enough but if he’s done this several times, you shouldn’t tolerate this.

Ohthatsabitshit · 26/11/2025 23:10

Well my response would be very very final. I’ve been married for decades and I’d walk away now if my husband talked to me like that. There are nice people in the world who will never say anything to intentionally hurt you. Find them.

CandyCaneKisses · 26/11/2025 23:10

Stop TTC. It will only make things so much worse.

Original poster
Dululu · 26/11/2025 23:13

Thank you everyone for responding. I don’t know who to talk to in real life. I feel like once I tell anyone what it’s really been like there’s no going back then.

OP posts:
TinyHousemouse · 26/11/2025 23:15

Please please don’t have a child with him. What a bully, I’m so sorry OP. After I had my DD I was 2st heavier than I was when we got married and then 16 weeks pp I found out I had breast cancer, so bye bye boob and also bye bye hair/eyelashes/eyebrows (and the last shreds of my self esteem) I don’t look a thing like I did when we got together - but neither does DH, who has always told me I’m beautiful and has never once made me feel like he doesn’t want to be with me. I am so glad that DD has him as a benchmark for how men should behave. There are decent men out there, please don’t tie yourself to this one forever.

TinyHousemouse · 26/11/2025 23:17

Sorry, should have said “another child”. Don’t let your DD think this is acceptable. Wishing you strength OP.

TheBroonOneAndTheWhiteOne · 26/11/2025 23:17

My goodness, don't have a child with this awful man. How dare he!

Velveletteslonleylonelygirlami · 26/11/2025 23:21

That was brutal and full of venom.
you most certainly deserve better.

AnonymouseDad · 26/11/2025 23:21

Dululu · 26/11/2025 22:52

So for context I am size 16-18, approx 15 stone, so objectively yes I am fat. When we got married seven years ago I was 11 stone and size 12-14. I put on some weight during lockdown, some after having our daughter, and some more due to taking prescribed steroids. My ‘normal’ weight is more like 12-12.5 stone and a standard size 14.

We are having fertility treatment at the moment and our sex life has been dire. So much so that on ‘scheduled’ days DH sometimes just w*nks until he is ‘ready’ and then I come in at the end. Sex has been an issue for years really, with me wanting more sex and us to go to bed together, but he likes to stay up and watch tv alone.

Tonight we’ve had a horrible argument- he made a joke about my boobs being saggy which I didn’t find funny and told him so, he then marched off saying ‘have a sense of humour’ and mocking my voice. Later he said he was really offended that I had previously suggested he look into his testosterone levels as his libido seemed low. And that he was fine when we got married, and what had changed, looking me up and down i.e. it’s all about my weight. He also said ‘Are you blind or are you dumb?’ when referencing this.

This isn’t the first time he’s been nasty about my weight, he’s thrown it in my face a few times before. I wouldn’t mind things being said in a kind way at a calm time as part of a sensible decision discussion, but it’s always been as an insult.

He doesn’t seem to care about upsetting me. I think this might be the end.

This makes me quite angry.

If i ever found out someone I knew had talked to their partner like this i would pull them up on it and not be gentle.

My wife constantly worries about her body. I've lost count of how many times I have said that she turns me on always and every inch of her is perfect.

I have never insulted her or called her a name. Ive never made fun of her (well, maybe her complete lack of geographical knowledge) and would not ever dream of making her feel bad about herself or her body.

Frankly she could put on double her weight and my feelings would not change. It is her i love and that is all.

No one should ever make you feel less than. Especially the person who claims to love you.

I do have one friend who i think ive mentioned on here before. Her now ex husband was exactly like this and constantly put her down. I did pull him up on it and called out every flaw I saw in him. He was a bully and relied on people being people being meak when he talked at them. He did not like me at all and I was happy to assist his ex wife move all of his stuff out into the street when she kicked him out.

I've since found out he is terrified of me. To the point he was late picking his child up from an event as he saw me there picking up my child and locked himself in the car until we'd left. His mum was with him and asked his ex wife if she knew who I was because he was scared of me. To be clear. I did not once lay a finger on him. He just wasn't used to anyone who smiled and verbally tore him apart instead of being intimidated by him.

That was all for comments similar to those your partner made. Do not accept them. They are not ok and you do not need to worry about what he thinks. He has already shown himself to be less than.

Cucy · 26/11/2025 23:21

This is not a good relationship is it?

I am wondering why you are even still together when you don’t like each other, let alone trying to have a baby - that’s absolute madness!!

Stop TTC and either work on the relationship or separate.

Original poster
Dululu · 26/11/2025 23:22

It’s not that bad to say the thing about testosterone, is it? He made out like I’d really insulted him. It wasn’t as part of an argument at all.

OP posts:
Thoseslippers · 26/11/2025 23:23

Yeah this man is an immature piece of shit and he resents you. Please don't have a child with him.
I've been everything from a size 8 to a size 18 and back again, in the 12 years I've been married and my DH has never made me feel like what size I was mattered at all.
Please don't accept this nonsense.

AnonymouseDad · 26/11/2025 23:23

Dululu · 26/11/2025 23:13

Thank you everyone for responding. I don’t know who to talk to in real life. I feel like once I tell anyone what it’s really been like there’s no going back then.

Thats a good thing. Tell someone please.

Isadora2007 · 26/11/2025 23:25

@Dululu You said it yourself- if you tell people the truth about who he is and what he says you don’t feel you should be with him… and you shouldn’t. That inner voice telling you he is not good enough for you is right. A previous poster said it well- you are not your body or your weight. You are you and he should love you for who you are not what you weigh. Tell him you can easily lose 13/14 stones of useless lard- and kick him out!

Original poster
Dululu · 26/11/2025 23:28

Isadora2007 · 26/11/2025 23:25

@Dululu You said it yourself- if you tell people the truth about who he is and what he says you don’t feel you should be with him… and you shouldn’t. That inner voice telling you he is not good enough for you is right. A previous poster said it well- you are not your body or your weight. You are you and he should love you for who you are not what you weigh. Tell him you can easily lose 13/14 stones of useless lard- and kick him out!

He is actually more like 18 stone himself. He has a real thing about me being a ‘princess’ and me thinking I’m too good for him. This is usually in response to me saying I don’t want him to talk to me like that.

OP posts:
_nellie_ · 26/11/2025 23:28

Please leave him.

Cece92 · 26/11/2025 23:29

Why would you want to bring a second child into the world with him. He’s speaking to his wife like that when he has a daughter? Disgusting behaviour

IndigoIsMyFavouriteColour · 26/11/2025 23:29

I’m a lot heavier than you and my husband would never say something like this to me, you deserve much better OP

AltitudeCheck · 26/11/2025 23:33

He promised to love and cherish you forever.

Don't bring a child into this situation. Save that IVF money and run for the hills while you still can. Seriously, if he's criticising your body now can you imagine how cruel he'll be during and after pregnancy? Not to mention, who wants to have a child with such an asshole of a man?

Please, imagine what life will be like in 5, 10, 15 years if you have a child and are tied to this man and chise a better future for yourself.