DH blamed sex life on me being fat

[Dululu]

So for context I am size 16-18, approx 15 stone, so objectively yes I am fat. When we got married seven years ago I was 11 stone and size 12-14. I put on some weight during lockdown, some after having our daughter, and some more due to taking prescribed steroids. My ‘normal’ weight is more like 12-12.5 stone and a standard size 14.

We are having fertility treatment at the moment and our sex life has been dire. So much so that on ‘scheduled’ days DH sometimes just w*nks until he is ‘ready’ and then I come in at the end. Sex has been an issue for years really, with me wanting more sex and us to go to bed together, but he likes to stay up and watch tv alone.

Tonight we’ve had a horrible argument- he made a joke about my boobs being saggy which I didn’t find funny and told him so, he then marched off saying ‘have a sense of humour’ and mocking my voice. Later he said he was really offended that I had previously suggested he look into his testosterone levels as his libido seemed low. And that he was fine when we got married, and what had changed, looking me up and down i.e. it’s all about my weight. He also said ‘Are you blind or are you dumb?’ when referencing this.

This isn’t the first time he’s been nasty about my weight, he’s thrown it in my face a few times before. I wouldn’t mind things being said in a kind way at a calm time as part of a sensible decision discussion, but it’s always been as an insult.

He doesn’t seem to care about upsetting me. I think this might be the end.

He's showing you exactly how small a man he is - believe him and do not have a child with him. He's a nasty bully.

There are ways to have these types of conversations constructively and I do think being honest about how lack of intimacy affects you and suggesting the gp is not inappropriate as long as its not being said in a nasty tone etc..

It sounds like his self esteem is very poor and rather than address that, its easier for him to just make you feel smaller in yourself.

You do not want to have a baby with someone who is so happy to take the shine off your star.

Please find someone in real life to talk to and really face this. You and your existing child deserve so so much more x

You are not being a princess it’s called having standards. He doesn’t meet them, do yourself and your child a favour and leave.

I could not live one week with a cruel, selfish person like him.
Remove yourself and your daughter from having to share air space with him.

Keep your beautiful self for someone who adores caring how you feel.

Ewww so he's overweight himself and thinks it's funny and appropriate to comment on your body? (which has birthed a child!!) He's clearly insecure but that is zero excuse for how he's treating you! I would 100% stop the ivf and consider if this is the man you want to spend the rest of your life with.

He is utterly vile.

I'm sorry but someone who talks like that, insults you, intentionally hurts you, doesn't have love in him.

Don't have a child with him, the abuse won't stop, it will get worse and will eventually be inflicted on the child as well.

You really so deserve a decent human, so much better than this pathetic excuse for a man.

Leave. His behaviour is vile and you deserve so much more, as does any potential future child (please put a pause on TTC because this relationship is toxic and abusive and no child should be knowingly brought into the world into that!).

You shouldn’t be considering g having children as you are incompatible.

I understand he doesn’t feel attracted to you anymore as you have gained weight and are not the same as when he married you but he is being downright nasty in how he speaks to you about it.

It will only get worse.

(Edited as noted you’ve had a baby already with this cretin)

if this man doesn’t support you now, he’ll be an absolute prick during the most vulnerable time of your life.

Why oh why are you procreating with a man who has to wank off before using you as a sperm recepticle? Is this honestly how you want to bring a child into the world?

I don’t know how to say this kindly - but you need some self respect.

Lady, you need a divorce, not another kid.

I’m slightly heavier than you and I understand how hurtful hearing those comments must have been. Somehow I am going to guess your husband has belittled you in other ways/aspects of your life too, and probably accuses you of overreacting when you do get upset. But you have every right to feel how you do, and what he’s doing isn’t ok.

It sounds like you brought up the topic of his lack of interest in sex in a normal way, but instead of addressing it or even expressing his discomfort at the topic he went into attack mode instead. I suggest you stop the plans of expanding your family for now, and focus on what you are really getting from your marriage. Because validation and respect don’t seem to be part of the package and you deserve better.

Don't feel like you are stuck or should stay stuck because of the time you have invested so far. At least consider marriage counselling, if you don’t feel ready to leave yet. If husband turns it down then think about going to counselling or telling people you trust. He will only take every bit of self esteem you have left if you continue like this.

First of all, stop the fertility treatment. You'd be insane to have a baby with this man.

I suspect he feels quite emasculated and insecure about having a lower sex drive than you (as it appears this has been been an issue between you for a long time) and I doubt the pressure of trying to conceive has helped. My guess is that this is what prompted him to be so incredibly nasty to you. However, it's not an excuse for him to talk to you like that, or to say such a hurtful thing. If he feels inadequate or insecure or under pressure to 'perform' then he could have had a proper conversation with you and explained his feelings like a bloody grown-up, instead of being so nasty to you.

He's vile. I would be ending the relationship. Don't have a child with a man like this.

I agree - having another child when your relationship is in this state is not a great idea, as the relationship is not going to survive the way it is right now.
Yes - what he said was cruel. However - I do think that talking about testosterone and low libido is also hurtful - I don't think he was making it up.

Both statements are wrong in their own way.

This is of course just a snippet of your life. It's hard to tell if this is a sign that things are broken completely - OR if this is all due to the stress of having a small child, and going through fertility treatments. The sort of pressures you are under tend to accumulate - and resentment builds up. Add to it hormonal effects of fertility treatment - and you have a volatile mix.

I am not saying you need to stay and be unhappy. I am just saying - have a think about your relationship - and try to talk to him calmly, putting resentments aside, maybe with a family counsellor? Maybe it is too late to change anything, but at least you would have given it a shot.

As to the sex and mismatched libidos - it's never easy in a relationship. And weight gain, of course could play a role, even if it's hard to admit it to ourselves. I know I am less attracted to my partner when he gains weight - it's not something I can control. I don't come out and say it the way your H did - but I could probably see myself mentioning it if my partner was having a go at me for not wanting sex, and suggesting I saw a doctor.

Low testosterone and male obesity can be linked, and low testosterone can also lead to lack of libido.

https://www.myobesityteam.com/resources/can-obesity-affect-testosterone-levels-understanding-the-connection

You were right to make that connection - but while women might seize on the option of hormone replacement therapy for a range of conditions, the famously fragile male ego has here decided to flounce off.

Being overweight will also affect your own chances of conceiving.

https://www.britishfertilitysociety.org.uk/press-release/british-fertility-society-issues-new-guidelines-on-the-effect-of-obesity-on-female-reproductive-health/

If you're seriously still thinking of having a child with a man who insults and scorns his wife, then a weight loss programme will help you both get closer towards achieving that.

But your main issue is him.

Why are you trying to have another child with a man who has utter contempt for you, and who needs to masturbate in order to dredge up some sperm????? Why??? Give yourself a really serious reality check.

You carried his child for him and he has the audacity to mock your body. What a pathetic little man he is.

I know that you want another child and going down the IVF route is hard on the strongest couples. You know that you have put on weight. Meanwhile he is blaming his lack of libido on the fact that you have put on weight. Meanwhile he is 18 stone himself and you mentioned that his testosterone could be low. It his weight that's effecting this and not yours.
The comments he made to you were horrible and uncalled for.

In your situation I would stop with IVF because I would not bring another child into this so called relationship. If you get pregnant and have another child he will continue to lash out at you and be verbally nasty. You and your current child deserve better than this. After what he said I would be ending the IVF and making plans to leave him.

If he is 18 stone that's overweight. I have seen several men who got heavier over the years. One friend of mine recently found an ex boyfriend now has diebtics, high blood painful joints.
I have a friend who was very overweight a few years ago. She lost about 4 stone and she said that her periods became more regular and she was ovulating.
She knows several woman who lost weight and got pregnant as a result.

Did you not tell him that tge real reason is he's an arsehole.

I've always been 14-16 before and after children and luckily my hubby loves me as I am, tbh if my sex life was yours I wouldnt be with him

Get rid. You will be 100% happier.

Jesus Christ what a disrespectful prick. Seriously.
It won't get better.
It will get worse.
You must leave him.
You must not bring a child into the world with him. Imagine what damage he will do to a child witnessing his behaviour.

I’m fatter than you OP, and my husband makes me feel nothing but beautiful. And if he has had concerned they’ve come from the most respectful place of being worried about my health. That’s how a partner should be. Your husband is an insecure little bully. I never say LTB but this time you really should.

Well, yes, you should lose weight, but not for his benefit!

LTB

No of course it's not, hes a narcissist so he'll turn a lot on you no doubt? What he said and how he is is absolutely disgusting and not normal, sorry but youre in a bad relationship. As for what you said about being scared to tell people, have courage and do the right thing for yourself. You deserve so much better.