DH blamed sex life on me being fat

[Dululu]

So for context I am size 16-18, approx 15 stone, so objectively yes I am fat. When we got married seven years ago I was 11 stone and size 12-14. I put on some weight during lockdown, some after having our daughter, and some more due to taking prescribed steroids. My ‘normal’ weight is more like 12-12.5 stone and a standard size 14.

We are having fertility treatment at the moment and our sex life has been dire. So much so that on ‘scheduled’ days DH sometimes just w*nks until he is ‘ready’ and then I come in at the end. Sex has been an issue for years really, with me wanting more sex and us to go to bed together, but he likes to stay up and watch tv alone.

Tonight we’ve had a horrible argument- he made a joke about my boobs being saggy which I didn’t find funny and told him so, he then marched off saying ‘have a sense of humour’ and mocking my voice. Later he said he was really offended that I had previously suggested he look into his testosterone levels as his libido seemed low. And that he was fine when we got married, and what had changed, looking me up and down i.e. it’s all about my weight. He also said ‘Are you blind or are you dumb?’ when referencing this.

This isn’t the first time he’s been nasty about my weight, he’s thrown it in my face a few times before. I wouldn’t mind things being said in a kind way at a calm time as part of a sensible decision discussion, but it’s always been as an insult.

He doesn’t seem to care about upsetting me. I think this might be the end.

Op keep your counsel. Grey rock him. Give every appearance of not being hurt by his words. Don’t give him that satisfaction. Just carry on cheerfully and nonchalantly living your life, all the while saving money, taking copies of pay slips and house insurance and mortgage details etc. Then once you are ready, and the timing is right for you, ltb!

Leave him a note saying that you have removed your extra weight from his life forever and while one day, if you want, you can make the decision to diet, he will always be a stupid arse.

Seriously though, do not have sex with this loathsome low life again! He is far too disrespectful. How nasty and stupid does a man have to be to think that making jokes about his wife’s boobs is going to make his sex life better?

And to make any disparaging comments while you are enduring painful injections and bloating and all of the stress of fertility treatment tells you everything you need to know about him really.

I was prepared to excuse him to a degree if he felt he was the cause of your fertility issues and he found the comment about his testosterone too close for comfort, but then you mentioned the princess comments, that he has been very disrespectful to you for a while, and that he is a hypocritical eighteen stone, which just demonstrates that he’s an insecure bully really. And that type rarely change.

You need to start pointing and laughing.
And making “small jokes.”
And “minuscule jokes.”

And as a finale, joke that your divorce attorney is THREE TIMES as big as he is.

And then whip out the big vibrator.

Go for the jugular, girlfriend. ❤️

Christ, what an arsehole.

It’s called self-respect, too, @Dululu—you need to remember that you are a fine and decent woman, a good mother, and a beautiful girl.

Respect yourself enough to realise that you deserve better and that you need to show your child what a decent, self-respecting woman does when she’s faced with something like this.

You DO NOT STAND FOR IT.
YOU SAY NO.
You say no to this man for yourself and for your child.

We’re here for you. You are not alone. Be brave.
Sending love ❤️

You can maybe talk to a qualified counsellor and maybe a close friend op? You need real life support.

He is effectively bullying you, humiliating you and routinely abusing you at home.

Does he have a porn addiction? Itt is staggering how you have described your sex life for example. He is trying to cover up why he can’t perform normally by blaming it on you op. He is deflecting. DAVRO. Look it up.

What is he doing downstairs in the evening? Op I think you need to make plans to leave. This is not a safe environment for you or your dc.

Not wanting to be insulted and denigrated does not make you a princess. He’s just horrible, honestly no-one deserves to be treated like this by the person who is supposed love them. He’s abusive and thin skinned. My body changed a lot after having DC, my boobs, I have a c-section belly. DH has never and would never try to make me ashamed of the body I got from making a family with him.

You don’t have to accept this treatment.

Make the decision and take the first brave step

No it’s not at all. Don’t let him gaslight you. He doesn’t deserve for you to carry his child and put your body through pregnancy and childbirth.

you have one lovely DD. Don’t have another baby with him just to have another baby.

I think you need to lose 18 stone of dead weight.

Oh my goodness I can’t believe how hypocritical he is. Do you know what, NOTHING about this is actually to do with your weight. He is ashamed about his lack of libido and blaming it on you.

He’s basically Henry VIII in the later years. Whenever he starts just say ‘whatever Henry’

I could not imagine speaking to my wife like that. Like you she has put quite a bit of weight on since we first met, due to pregnancy and lifestyle, and I know it bothers her quite enough without me mentioning it, its an absolute personal rule that I won't criticize her appearance even when asked.

Your DH is a pig

He sounds vile. Nasty bastards like him will mock you regardless of your weight.

One of my exs once pulled my belly roll when I was sitting down and went ‘You’re piling it on, look at that flab’. I replied back that I’d had two children and recently a c section, what was his excuse for being a fat bastard? For context I’m 5”7 and was 8 1/2 stone at the time!

Best revenge is to dump him and lose the weight for your own self. It infuriates them when they see you thrive without them.

He is a nasty, vile, judgemental misogynist sexist chauvinist pig.

DO NOT continue fertility treatments with him. Bad enough you're sadly tied to him with one child already, do not, DO NOT under any circumstances bring another child out into the world with this hateful, toxic misogynist man.

STOP all fertility treatments immediately. Right now. If I were you my fanny would be tighter than a banker's fist and drier than a nun's fanny. I could never even want to sleep beside him again let alone touch him.

He is destroying your self esteem and spirit. You do NOT want to breed with that thing again. You don't. Please start getting out of this marriage. This 'marriage' is neither stable, loving or healthy. And think about what message he is sending your daughter about her worth and her looks as a person. Get out right now!!! Run and don't look back.

You might want to tell him that him having a wank before he can get it up is a turn off and he might want to learn how to properly satisfy a woman! Why you’d want to have a child with that nasty waste of space is beyond me

Call it quits, OP.
He’s horrible and you deserve better. DO NOT make a child with this man. Move on and find someone lovely x

He's accusing you of thinking you're too good for him because you are.

As everyone has said, he mean and nasty to you, there's no love there, just resentment. I think that's something there's no coming back from.

Stop trying to have another baby with him and leave him.

as many others have said, please stop TTC immediately. I understand how hard this would be as you obviously want to conceive/have a baby. But this man is showing you exactly who he is and no child deserves that for a father. A son repeating his dad’s words and attitudes in the future, or a daughter being subject to get father’s judgements and views on women. Continuing to TTC would be a very selfish. You deserve more, he sounds awful and I hope you find the courage to leave

Jesus christ you dont need fertility treatment with this man.

These things get 100% worse with kids. He’s nasty.

You will look back and ve so relieved you didn’t manage to become pregnant with his second child. It is entirely doable as it stands with just one child.

From your post I reckon this isn’t about weight at all. It is about cruelty and power. He is picking at what makes you most vulnerable in order to hurt and control you.

As others have said you have to find the courage to leave him.

To a man yes that probably is insulting. Doesn’t excuse him being so awful to you. He might not be attracted to you as like you say your body has changed but that doesn’t give him the right to be mean about it.

He felt that his manlihood was attacked when you made the very reasonable comment about checking testosterone levels so he lashed out on you. He's got a libido problem but he won't face up to it so he choses to be cruel ans nasty to you. Not acceptable. And I would stop ttc immediately. You don't want to bring in another human being into a relationship that seems doomed (because of his behaviour towards you).

He sounds toxic in one of the highest forms! As hard as it may be please put yourself (and your child first) and leave him. No one deserves to be spoken to like this and life is too short to accept less. Sending you strength and well wishes

Wow and I’m sure he looks like Brad Pitt ey 🙄

I suspect that really would be for the best. Is there anything good about your relationship? I find it hard to look beyond this all though. I suspect not having another child with him and moving on would be much better.