DH blamed sex life on me being fat

[Dululu]

So for context I am size 16-18, approx 15 stone, so objectively yes I am fat. When we got married seven years ago I was 11 stone and size 12-14. I put on some weight during lockdown, some after having our daughter, and some more due to taking prescribed steroids. My ‘normal’ weight is more like 12-12.5 stone and a standard size 14.

We are having fertility treatment at the moment and our sex life has been dire. So much so that on ‘scheduled’ days DH sometimes just w*nks until he is ‘ready’ and then I come in at the end. Sex has been an issue for years really, with me wanting more sex and us to go to bed together, but he likes to stay up and watch tv alone.

Tonight we’ve had a horrible argument- he made a joke about my boobs being saggy which I didn’t find funny and told him so, he then marched off saying ‘have a sense of humour’ and mocking my voice. Later he said he was really offended that I had previously suggested he look into his testosterone levels as his libido seemed low. And that he was fine when we got married, and what had changed, looking me up and down i.e. it’s all about my weight. He also said ‘Are you blind or are you dumb?’ when referencing this.

This isn’t the first time he’s been nasty about my weight, he’s thrown it in my face a few times before. I wouldn’t mind things being said in a kind way at a calm time as part of a sensible decision discussion, but it’s always been as an insult.

He doesn’t seem to care about upsetting me. I think this might be the end.

Not wanting to kiss him when he's been a dick to you isn't you at blame, it's still him. He sounds awful, truly awful, and you deserve so much better. I feel heartbroken for you.

It sounds like you are too good for him and he tries to bring you down a peg or two. Please love yourself and don't live with this.

I think it bloody should be the end. What a twat.

Sorry OP, he is beyond horrible.

He has a real thing about me being a ‘princess’ and me thinking I’m too good for him.

Well he's right about one thing.

I think it's got more to do with judging individual circumstances. This isn't anything to with no longer finding someone attractive, this is abusive behaviour.

You are too good for him. So he's right about that.

This is a 'him' problem. The discussion you tried to have about his testosterone levels was no wrong, no. What it seems to have done is triggered his own insecurity about not being good enough - fragile ego - because he equates manliness with testosterone levels and being good enough with being perfect/never having anything wrong with you etc. This is all on him!

I have a male friend (he is actually my ex) who is trying to rekindle things with me. He met me as a childless younger woman size 10-12. He later met me again as a mother of 1, plus 4 babies in heaven, and a size 14-16. I'm now, due to medical issues and medication, a size 20-22. He literally doesn't care what size I am! He always compliments me and tells me how sexy he finds me. He is sexually attracted to me at all these sizes. So, it is possible to love someone for them as a person/soul and not just their body/shell.

He is abusive so when you tell people they (probably) will tell you that. Hopefully you have some good people in your life that can help you get away and get a good life without him.

Please stop all treatment and move towards getting rid of him he does not deserve you and you do not deserve to be treated like this whatever your size or looks he is a nasty abusive person who is literally bullying you

I think there are two issues, him not being sexually attracted to you and him being abusive about it.

fertility treatment can be very trying, but it is imoortant to be kind to each other during the process. It is made much more difficult if he doesn’t find you physically attractive any more, even though he himself is fat.

its a difficult subject to broach no matter how you come at it, but his way is abusive and demeaning. And I’m going to guess this isn’t the only area of your lives together he behaves like this to you.

as such, I think you both have to take a pause, as is your relationship stable enough for a child. Personally I’d not having a baby with someone who was abusive and demeaning, nor would I be in a relationship with them.

Yes, I think that would be the end for me too. That’s cruel and abusive and, as you say, not the first time it’s happened. It will keep happening and probably get worse. He doesn’t like or respect you. This isn’t about how you look but about him being a bully and an inadequate man. I’m sorry.

why are men like this

I'd be really curious to know what the rest of your relationship is like. The way he spoke to you during this instance comes across as emotionally/verbally abusive. Have a look at this re: humiliation and verbal abuse - www.knowsley.gov.uk/adult-social-care/safeguarding-adults/types-abuse/emotional-and-psychological-abuse/type-emotional

If he isn't attracted to you anymore, he could have ended the relationship. He has chosen to stay.

Women of Impact podcast might be a good listen for you. The host talks a lot about relationships, abuse, understanding yourself and improving your future.

I would also suggest reading up about non-physical abuse and reaching out to your local domestic abuse organisation for some support if you feel it is relevant.

You both sound problematic tbh

Oh op my heart breaks for you, but you know what you have to do. Leave, for the sake of your daughter if not yourself. Imagine if she married someone who said these vile things and acted in this way. Please leave as soon as you can - you deserve so much more

I think it is fair to feel less attracted to someone if their physical appearance changes. We can't do anything about sexual attracted.
But your husband is a knob and you should leave him.

Bloody hell, OP. Do not bring a child into this horrible situation . Maybe try counselling if you think that would help but he sounds horrible

Jesus Christ. Do not have another child with this literal wanker.

Hun sometimes it’s better to tell your friends and family then you can’t go back and get treated like shit again

He's nasty!

Yes,you have gained weight. You are also older. Your body has changed. You've grown an actual human.

I'm sure that he looks different andter 5 years as well.

I think it is impossible to discuss his lack of 🍆 without talking about his hormones or potential medical issues.

I think he's deflecting because he's embarrassed about his ED. Although, that doesn't give him the right to be a wanker.

I'd stop TTC, you don't want to add more children to this situation, and start considering your options. Do you want be with a man that's cruel to you, belittles you and mimicks you. It's toxic for you and its horrible for your kid to see.

Tell him to fuck off he's hardly a catch with that attitude. I'm the same weight as you and dress size and I don't consider myself to be fat. I am curvy and my husband has never said anything other than positive about my size. Yes I've got wobbly and droopy bits but that's normal. I don't think fatness should ever be an issue unless it's impacting health e.g. you can't walk far because of weight. Even then it's not something to humiliate someone with.
You deserve someone better.

Why are you still married to this man? Get some couples therapy, or just leave. He’s vile

Gosh that’s awful. I was your weight a year ago and my husband made no comments ever. I’d be considering not having another child with this man. The idea of you coming in at the end when he’s ready is just so sad to read, you deserve so much better

If he doesn't find her attractive and wants to leave, that's a different question: Nobody can make the other person stay in love with them! THe question here is about his verbal abuse of her: TBH it doesn't sound to me like a man who is struggling, but more a man who is using the woman's feelings to manipulate her and make her feel bad:
That's what's not acceptable:

It sounds like you touched a nerve mentioning his testosterone. Perhaps it’s something that’s niggling away at him too and he’s not ready to face up to it?

But that said, he has no right to speak to you like that. How incredibly hurtful. You really shouldn’t be having another child with a man like that.

None of us look like we did when we got married. I had the body of a Victoria’s Secret model and my DH had a six pack. Those days are loooonnnnng gone! We age, that’s normal and supposed to be a lovely part of growing old together. Please leave him and then you have a chance of being with someone who wants to grow old with you.

Oh...is he such a marvellous 'Adonis' then ?( I bet not?)

From what you have said, this was thrown out as an insult. I think you know that. Is your desire for a child blinding you to the harsh reality of your relationship? Children thrive in a loving environment. This isn't one.