DH blamed sex life on me being fat

[Dululu]

So for context I am size 16-18, approx 15 stone, so objectively yes I am fat. When we got married seven years ago I was 11 stone and size 12-14. I put on some weight during lockdown, some after having our daughter, and some more due to taking prescribed steroids. My ‘normal’ weight is more like 12-12.5 stone and a standard size 14.

We are having fertility treatment at the moment and our sex life has been dire. So much so that on ‘scheduled’ days DH sometimes just w*nks until he is ‘ready’ and then I come in at the end. Sex has been an issue for years really, with me wanting more sex and us to go to bed together, but he likes to stay up and watch tv alone.

Tonight we’ve had a horrible argument- he made a joke about my boobs being saggy which I didn’t find funny and told him so, he then marched off saying ‘have a sense of humour’ and mocking my voice. Later he said he was really offended that I had previously suggested he look into his testosterone levels as his libido seemed low. And that he was fine when we got married, and what had changed, looking me up and down i.e. it’s all about my weight. He also said ‘Are you blind or are you dumb?’ when referencing this.

This isn’t the first time he’s been nasty about my weight, he’s thrown it in my face a few times before. I wouldn’t mind things being said in a kind way at a calm time as part of a sensible decision discussion, but it’s always been as an insult.

He doesn’t seem to care about upsetting me. I think this might be the end.

That’s al gross of him.

No. It is not a bad thing to say at all. And it should have resulted in a conversation about maybe taking a test or talking to the doctor. That is what a rational adult would do.

I am glad you have talked to your dad. I'm not sure how I would react should my daughter ever come to me with something like this. But my first instinct would be to protect her and go have a conversation with the low life that made her feel less than the amazing person she is.

She did not ask for advice about her weight.

She asked for advice about the way her husband treats her.

The point has sailed over your head.

Why would you even question this part of the post? OP clearly knows what size and weight she is. And for what it's worth, I'm 14st and a size 14-16 so yes, OP's size and weight is absolutely not unbelievable in the slightest.

@Dululu your DH is horrible, I hope you do leave.

Yes darling, this should be the end. The sex is shocking. Him calling you blind/dumb/fat is shocking. He doesn't respect you or treat you kindly at all, nevermind love you.

When I was younger, I was at the receiving end of such comments on occassion, and my only regret is that I didn't leave these people sooner.

You need to respect and love yourself and your child/any unborn children, and accept this is not a family dynamic anyone, you or a child, should be subjected to. Walk away now, you will have a significantly better life solo that fosters better mental health and balance.

Later he said he was really offended that I had previously suggested he look into his testosterone levels as his libido seemed low

It wasn't a joke and there is no equivalence between you trying to genuinely figure out if he has a hormonal issue, and him making a nasty 'joke' about saggy breasts.

And that he was fine when we got married, and what had changed, looking me up and down i.e. it’s all about my weight. He also said ‘Are you blind or are you dumb?’ when referencing this

Again, there's ways of expressing oneself without being insulting like this.

I don't think you should have any more children with him.

We are having fertility treatment at the moment and our sex life has been dire. So much so that on ‘scheduled’ days DH sometimes just wnks until he is ‘ready’ and then I come in at the end. Sex has been an issue for years really, with me wanting more sex and us to go to bed together, but he likes to stay up and watch tv alone.*

I haven’t RTWT so apologies if already been addressed but WTF? He wanks and then uses your body as a cum receptacle? He sounds utterly vile and that’s before we even get to him criticising your body 😡

100% - the OP is on an abusive relationship where her DH speaks to her like shit and uses her vagina as a cum vessel to finish his wank and yet the MN mafia are quibbling about the difference in clothes sizing since the 1980’s

This places never fails to bring them out does it?

Calling someone fat does not mean they are in an abusive relationship - it means they were having a heated argument.
If everyone divorced as soon as they called each other a nasty name - there would be no married couples left in the country.

The reality is they are both obese not fat and their obesity is probably driving their infertility not his low tesosterone levels which btw was just as cruel a comment as being called fat by her husband.

Pretending they are healthy is not being kind - on the contrary.
We don't tell alcoholics they don't have a drinking problem to "be kind".

Obesity will knock 10 years off their life and if they don't change their habits, their child will also be obese before reaching adulthood.
10% of children in the USA now have fatty liver disease - a disease that only alcoholics had in the seventies. That's child abuse.

Why are people missing the point of the wanking, they were trying to conceive, so OP was allowing it.

He's wrong for calling OP names as it shows a massive lack of respect and not sure it can be overcome.

Hope you've managed to leave OP.

I was rather expecting the bit about him being 18 stone. Unless he's very tall / a body builder, he's obese. And yes, obesity can affect testosterone levels and libido, and low testosterone can be implicated in male obesity. Both directions.

https://www.myobesityteam.com/resources/can-obesity-affect-testosterone-levels-understanding-the-connection

https://www.webmd.com/men/how-low-testosterone-can-affect-your-sex-drive

Low testosterone can then affect fertility by suppressing sperm production.

https://health.clevelandclinic.org/low-testosterone-and-fertility

The utter indignities women put up with merely for being female let alone TTC, pregnancy and childbirth - yet make a reasonable observation about his possible low testosterone and it's an INSULT ...

Male obesity can also seriously get in the way of the athleticism, litheness and stamina that can help good sex. Also his big gut can be very uncomfortable on our hips, plus being splatted under 18 stone is never going to be that attractive ...

Not only is he a misogynist, he's also an absolute hypocrite. I've got the ick just reading about him.

Moving on.

Losing that weight yourself can only do you good all over.

It will improve how you feel, move and look (FOR YOU) and have lasting benefits for your own health.

And though I'm not for a moment suggesting you even consider having a baby with a man who belittles, insults and sneers at you (which will get so much worse should you become pregnant and postpartum), losing the weight will improve your own chances of conceiving, support a healthier more manageable pregnancy and increase your ability to run round after a toddler.

Make 2026 the year you lose 20 stone of unwanted dead weight.

i hope you manage to get out and end the relationship op. Fertility issues always put a strain on the relationship but hes just damn right horrible. If you already have a female child, i do hope he doesnt say weight related “jokes” to them when they get a little older. Awful man