DH blamed sex life on me being fat

[Dululu]

So for context I am size 16-18, approx 15 stone, so objectively yes I am fat. When we got married seven years ago I was 11 stone and size 12-14. I put on some weight during lockdown, some after having our daughter, and some more due to taking prescribed steroids. My ‘normal’ weight is more like 12-12.5 stone and a standard size 14.

We are having fertility treatment at the moment and our sex life has been dire. So much so that on ‘scheduled’ days DH sometimes just w*nks until he is ‘ready’ and then I come in at the end. Sex has been an issue for years really, with me wanting more sex and us to go to bed together, but he likes to stay up and watch tv alone.

Tonight we’ve had a horrible argument- he made a joke about my boobs being saggy which I didn’t find funny and told him so, he then marched off saying ‘have a sense of humour’ and mocking my voice. Later he said he was really offended that I had previously suggested he look into his testosterone levels as his libido seemed low. And that he was fine when we got married, and what had changed, looking me up and down i.e. it’s all about my weight. He also said ‘Are you blind or are you dumb?’ when referencing this.

This isn’t the first time he’s been nasty about my weight, he’s thrown it in my face a few times before. I wouldn’t mind things being said in a kind way at a calm time as part of a sensible decision discussion, but it’s always been as an insult.

He doesn’t seem to care about upsetting me. I think this might be the end.

O God, he’s awful. You can be so much happier than this.

My god this man is not right as a partner let alone father!! So sorry

Why on earth are you trying to have another child with this man? You're having fertility treatment, yet in all honesty he's not even bothered about having sex. He's also refusing to have his testosterone levels checked, which I would have thought, would be part and parcel of having fertility treatment? I don't know, because it's not a process I have gone through. He's now blaming your weight gain for his lack of sexual desire - the way he spoke to you is dreadful. There are ways and means of speaking to someone, in a sensitive, kind and out of concern way, if he is indeed worried about your weight. He's vindictive and nasty, there's no concern there at all. Stop the fertility treatment, do not under any circumstances have another child with this man. Don't allow your daughter to grow up in a household where it's acceptable for her Dad to speak to you like shit. She will grow up thinking that your toxic relationship with her Dad is normal. Her own bar in relationships as she becomes older, will be low. I've been with my husband nearly 20 years, my weight has seen me a size 10 to a size 16 (I'm currently leaning more on a size 12/14) but my husband has never spoken to me in that way.

Well, you ARE too good for him.
im unfortunately massively overweight. My husband and marriage are not perfect and we do have rows and I don’t always like the way he speaks to me when we’re having a row but he would probably say the same.
But. Not once in almost 30 years together has he used my weight against me or been derogatory about my looks or being fat.
Im sure you are a very attractive woman: your husband has serious esteem issues he’s projecting onto you. I’m really sorry the person who has your back has been so cruel. You deserve much better.

My husband was the same with me....long, long history of ongoing sex problems. We did not have sex for four years and only when I lost weight (12 kg) did he start approaching me again. I had given up because of previous many years of rejection. However, I was only a size 10-12 at my largest and am now a 6-8 (UK) whilst he himself was 105kg and technically and objectively overweight (obese actually on a BMI scale, whereas I never even reached 'overweight')...but he just didn't/doesn't fancy me unless rail thin. I don't know any don't care anymore, I am on the way out. Any man that is this sexually shallow isn't worth it and someone who speaks to you like that holds you in contempt. Get out while you still can. DO NOT HAVE A BABY WITH HIM!!!!

I might get thrown out of here for saying this, but are you saying you are having fertility treatment because you don’t want to have sex?

There is something radically wrong with that picture! Please stop, you have gone down a wrong road.

Apologies you said you are having treatment AND your sex life is dire, I thought you had said ‘because it is dire’ ok.
There is a reason it’s dire, you should listen to your body and trust yourself.

I think you’ve posted before about this vile husband and were told then not to got through IVF. He’s awful and bringing another child into this abusive relationship would be very wrong. Please speak to women’s aid and get an exit plan together.

Stop fertility treatment immediately and pray that you are not pregnant. This man is emotionally abusing you.

Well there’s one quick way to lose a load of weight that’s causing you problems… get rid of the AH!
I think a lot of women put up with so much crap from their other half’s, but he sounds like a vile, nasty piece of s**t. What would you say to your daughter, if when she’s older she came to you and said her husband said the same thing?

Can I also add, my husband has some ED issues actually caused by taking anti depressants (it’s an unfortunate long lasting side effect for some men that he didn’t know about when he started taking them.)
It doesn’t make him happy but he is completely upfront about it and has never once tried to make out it’s my fault when we’ve discussed it.
Whatever is going on with your husband, the problem is his lack of maturity and emotional intelligence. It’s not you, it’s him.

He sounds repulsive.
Please stop trying to have another child with him and instead look into separating asap.

The only weight you need to lose is him

He is abusive. If he was abusing you physically rather than emotionally, would you be considering having another child with him? I hope not. Please don’t do this.

If you leave this unpleasant bully, I’m sure you will find that your day to day life becomes considerably more enjoyable. You might lose weight (only if YOU want to) if you stay with him but you won’t lose the fact that he doesn’t respect you and is a horrible person. You deserve more. So does your child and any future children you may have.

I’m not blameless. I haven’t felt like even kissing him really, when he says nasty things I massively struggle to get past it and the resentment has built up, so I’ve been quite cold I think. He also on balance probably does more housework than me.

Deep down I think I know I need to leave but it’s hard to find the courage. I’ve been burying my head in the sand deluding myself we can have a normal life and happy family.

“Scheduled” days jumps out to me as difficult, but then I read on and I don’t think it helps that your husband is a giant bellend. Why on earth are you trying to have a child with this arsehole??

Why on earth would you feel like kissing or having sex with someone who is so nasty and abusive to you? There's no blame for that, it's a completely normal reaction.

I was a size 10 when I married my husband. I went up to a size 22. He has always made me feel beautiful and sexy and never mentioned my weight. Your husband sounds like a pig. Please stop the fertility treatment and get your ducks in a row to leave him. He’s not going to change. He will only insult your post baby body even more.

OP, your husband is an asshole. Please, leave him as soon as possible. You'll find that your health and your happiness will improve a lot without him. You'll even find it easier to loss weight, if that is what you want, without someone around who treats you so badly all the time.

You'd also set a good example for your daughter, by showing her you won´t accept bad treatment from anyone.

.

He is right, you are too good for him!! He really sounds horrible. Don't have another child with him, else you will be back on MN in a few years time asking for advice on leaving him with two young children in tow. I was with a nasty emotionally abusive ex, but even he knew better than to make personal comments about my weight/attractiveness when I put on a few.

He's an insecure bully who isn't taking responsibility for his own actions. Stop the fertility treatment and end the relationship. You don't want to bring another child into this mess.

As you already have a child together it may be worth having individual and then joint counselling before deciding to call it a day. When I went through fertility treatment I was all over the place with hormones and stress. The clinic offered counselling as a package with the treatment so that might be an option? Although you probably know this is not a good time to have another baby.

The comments about your body are unacceptable. If you want to lose weight, do it for your own sake, and your daughter’s, not his. You could be a good candidate for WLIs (although not if you are trying to conceive).

The problem isn’t you struggling to get beyond the nasty things he says, it’s that he says them!

OP, Look through so many threads on MN that are about women regretting having an extra child when things were tough.
Nobody ever mended a relationship with a bullying man by having a child with them.