DH blamed sex life on me being fat

[Dululu]

So for context I am size 16-18, approx 15 stone, so objectively yes I am fat. When we got married seven years ago I was 11 stone and size 12-14. I put on some weight during lockdown, some after having our daughter, and some more due to taking prescribed steroids. My ‘normal’ weight is more like 12-12.5 stone and a standard size 14.

We are having fertility treatment at the moment and our sex life has been dire. So much so that on ‘scheduled’ days DH sometimes just w*nks until he is ‘ready’ and then I come in at the end. Sex has been an issue for years really, with me wanting more sex and us to go to bed together, but he likes to stay up and watch tv alone.

Tonight we’ve had a horrible argument- he made a joke about my boobs being saggy which I didn’t find funny and told him so, he then marched off saying ‘have a sense of humour’ and mocking my voice. Later he said he was really offended that I had previously suggested he look into his testosterone levels as his libido seemed low. And that he was fine when we got married, and what had changed, looking me up and down i.e. it’s all about my weight. He also said ‘Are you blind or are you dumb?’ when referencing this.

This isn’t the first time he’s been nasty about my weight, he’s thrown it in my face a few times before. I wouldn’t mind things being said in a kind way at a calm time as part of a sensible decision discussion, but it’s always been as an insult.

He doesn’t seem to care about upsetting me. I think this might be the end.

I would recommend individual counselling (think it would be helpful to say what’s happening out loud to someone impartial before you open up in real life) but joint counselling isn’t recommended when it’s an abusive relationship - and IMO this is abusive. He’s trying to criticise you OP to control you. The ‘princess’ comment is very telling. He’s calling you precious for trying to assert boundaries!

I went through similar with my XH. We were gearing up for IVF when things escalated. I recall saying ‘I won’t have a baby with you while you’re behaving like this’. Months later he complained that had really upset him! Note he’s XH. I did leave, eventually. Counselling helped me get there. I’m now in a happy relationship. I’m a similar weight and size to you OP and my DP tells me I’m gorgeous and how sexy he thinks I am regularly. It’s a breath of fresh air to be with someone who likes me for me and tells me so!

I suspect he’s probably struggling with his erection as you observe, feeling defensive when you suggest he gets it investigated and lashing out at you, rather than any problems being BECAUSE of your weight gain.

However that is no excuse for being so unspeakably vile. As others have said, I would not have more children with this man and I don’t think I could be with this man.

I’m so sorry my love.

... What sort of environment is this to bring a child into? I don't understand people, surely it can't be that important to have another child in a loveless, sexless marriage with a man that hates you?

At this point it would be preferable to have a child with a stranger then with this man who has to steel himself to h s sex with you.

Ridiculous all around, and frankly so selfish.

Another vote for not bringing a child into such a poisonous relationship.

He sounds more overweight than you - what are your relative BMIs? Maybe he is projecting his own self-loathing onto you?

You are completely correct. If you’re not horny, you’re not healthy.

And you’re right to bring it up with him. Your partner is the one person you should be able to be completely honest with.

So hang on, this fat cunt who can't get a it up without his wanking claw is commenting on YOUR weight? The absolute brass neck of this man. Ugh.

you are absolutely correct with your original post @Homegrownberries

Unsure why you deleted it? (although, you do know that we can see it, despite your edit?)

I mean your original post was bad enough but to find out that he's not exactly slim himself, what is it they say about people in glass houses? And even without this, there are many ways of sensitively dealing with an issue like this one without resorting to putting you down.

For me it doesn't feel like he actually wants to resolve the issue.

There are worse things to be than fat.

For example: A moody, argumentative, mysogynistic, volatile, manipulative, abusive piece of shit.

He won't change. Stop the treatments, and get out of dodge.

Men often point out weight gain as a way to diminish your self confidence in a bid to make you think you're unloveable, unlikeable, and you can't do better than him. All utter fabrications, because you do deserve to be loved, and not talked down, or have your confidence shattered, and feel like you have to walk on eggshells when raising medical issues.

Don't tie yourself down to this man for the next almost 2 decades of your life to be abused.

😂😂😂

OP’s husband is indeed behaving very poorly but I don’t think a fat woman who has lost her libido would be called names in the way he is on this thread. If we don’t shame women for being fat or asexual then we shouldn’t do so to men.

My initial thought was sometimes people can’t help it if they’re no longer sexually attracted to their partner as a result of weight gain but your DH is definitely saying those things to purposefully hurt you.

He probably felt you’d attacked his manhood by suggesting low testosterone but that’s absolutely no excuse to be so horrible to you. Your suggestion was valid.

All the best to you OP.

The thing is, this will never stop. He's never going to change and if you stay with him you will be stuck with those feelings for ever.

He is a classic example of the double standard of misogyny. He is fat and abusive and expects you to find him attractive yet only wants the ideal woman shape.himself.

I had a boyfriend like that once- a 4 year relationship during which I was constantly berated about my weight ( I was size 16) He actually just wanted a skinny woman and that was never going to be me. Strangely I lost all the weight and it was that that gave me the strength to leave him. I suppose I felt powerful.

Don’t give this prince another child. Tell him your sex life isn’t rubbish because you are overweight - it’s because he is a rude pig.

He’s blaming you for his sexual issues because then it saves him from acknowledging that he’s the one with the problem.
Even if you were a perfect size 10 he’d find something else to neg you about, in fact you could be the most beautiful woman on the planet and chances are he still wouldn’t want to have sex with you.
So the choice is to accept that this is it, for the rest of your married life, gradually let him erode any confidence you do have left or get the fuck out, set a good example to your daughter of what a strong woman looks like, and find someone who will cherish you whatever your size.

I’m 15 stone and a size 16. Never had a complaint and I pretty much have to beat Dh off with a stick. You aren’t fat! (I don’t think I’m fat!). Your husband is just a twat, one with some sexual issues he’s trying to deflect. Poor little weak man.

It could certainly be taken as a slight on his masculinity, which he may be feeling fragile about given the circumstances. But you didn't intentionally set out to wound him, and intention matters.
He set out to be deliberately nasty to you. That's not a sign of a loving relationship.

Your husband is a wanker.

A very similar topic came up earlier this week. On that occasion it was a woman talking about her husband. And many (not all) of those responding were supportive of her no longer finding him attractive because he was fat.

It seems very much that on Mumsnet there are two rules. Men are not allowed to stop finding wife attractive if she gains weight. Women are allowed to not find husband attractive if HE gains weight.

It has to be one OR the other.

I'm in the camp of love transcending physical appearance. But others seem to change their attitude depending on the gender of the partner.

To me, your husband is an arse. He's struggling to get it up and unfairly blaming you. (In the same way, the woman on the other thread was blaming her husbands size for her lack of libido.)

He sounds an ignorant pig and I definitely don't think you should be trying to have another baby with this awful man @Dululu even if you don't feel strong enough yet to start the process of leaving him.

You suggesting he gets his levels of testosterone checked in no way excuses the way he speaks to you. That was a reasonable suggestion under the circumstances but he responded with pure insults.

He has no respect and it will only get worse so honestly, I think you should be starting to think about how you can get away from him. I know that's a massive decision though.

Oh, this is heartbreaking to read OP. I’m so sorry you’re going through this, especially while trying to build a family with this man.

I’ve been in a similar place with verbal abuse and constant put-downs, and you often don’t realise how damaging and unacceptable it is until you’re out of it and have found real love and respect. His behaviour is not acceptable and it will not improve; it comes from deep insecurities that he manages by making you feel inferior so he can feel superior.

Even if you changed yourself to fit his supposed ‘ideal’, his insecurities would stay, and he would simply find new ways to undermine you, whether through further emotional abuse, physical control, or infidelity.

Please reconsider this relationship. If you can, pause the IVF for now but go ahead and freeze your eggs, so you protect your future while you give yourself space to decide what you truly want and deserve.

I am not one to say leave but my god please leave. The first bit made my skin crawl about him wanking and you just coming in at the end and then it slowly got worse.

He is allowed to actually find your weight gain unattractive as you are his, however he is not allowed to belittle you and be horrible. I would also say that if you truly love someone the weight gain wouldn’t be an issue nor would you speak to someone you love that way.

its time to leave and please do not have a child with him, you deserve more so much more. I suspect he is also the kind of man that will go on the charm offensive when he realises you are leaving don’t be fooled and start to know your worth. Imagine if you read that post and it was written by your daughter or your friend, you would be horrified.

and talking about low testosterone is not a horrible thing it’s a perfectly normal thing men go through, it’s becoming more spoken about and you don’t have to pander to his fragile ego.

and please never let him just coldly wank until he is ready just to come into you, so clinical. I mean your not even talking about having fun doing it mutually etc instead he is just literally aiming for a hole.

YOU ARE WORTH MORE!!!

This is not the same, he is being deliberately cruel

Because you are! You are too good for him. He sounds vile, misogynistic and horrible! How are you not repulsed by him. Please do not have a 2nd child with him and protect your daughter from him and his treatment of you. This is a catastrophic model for her to grow up with!

You are too good for him.