In shock, should he leave?

[Ialwaysthoughtitwasadojo]

Sorry if this is a bit muddled, I’m honestly in shock. We’d actually been getting on better recently, he was finally making an effort, and then today he suddenly announced he wanted out, and doesn't see a long term future with me.

We’ve been together 12 years, two DC still at home, 7 and 9. The marriage had been hard because he gets incredibly grumpy, makes no effort, but we had been going to therapy and I thought things were getting better. We've just had a wonderful week away together.

So first of all, I'm feeling blind sided, has anyone had this? I feel so torn like I should try and save it. My therapist did say he was emotionally abusive, so I probably need to give my head a wobble. I thought maybe she was over reacting.

Also, he doesn't want to leave. He wants to stay in the house for 6/7 months if needed, whilst we figure things out! I can't do that. I can't pretend we're ok, it will be so much harder to get over! He's the one that wants out and works away all the time, can I ask him to leave? I'm primary carer, pick up all the slack and work from home.

There’s probably another woman and he’s biding his time until he can afford to move or she is in the position to leave.

Get him out asap and sort your finances.

Agree with PP. He’s had his head turned but he doesn't want to burn his bridges with you until he knows if it’s going anywhere with her.

@NovemberRedHolly @TwistedWonder It doesn't seem that way at the moment but not out of the question re: another woman!

He is hiding it supremely well if that is the case, but I've seen it enough times on here, the woman says 'no way!", and then months later it all transpires there was someone all along.

We're both quite high earners, so unsure what will happen there, he is away with work A LOT, so regularly custody is going to be really challenging, as no week is the same for his work.

Also, he doesn't want to leave. He wants to stay in the house for 6/7 months if needed, whilst we figure things out!

He means whilst he figures things out with the other woman.

Agree with both PPs. There's always someone else. He won't admit it. He'll probably throw in the "depression / poor mental health" line at some point and say he's going to get therapy. Basically make everyone feel as sorry for him as possible as he hasn't got the balls to tell the truth.

It was you saying he worked away all the time that sparked my suspicions of him cheating.

No should with houses if married

If the house is yours, I'd tell him to leave now. If it's jointly owned/rented, I don't think you can.

Sorry to say that, on top of everything already mentioned (him almost certainly having met someone else), expect him to turn nasty. Start planning to protect yourself and your assets.

Thanks @Endofyear it’s jointly owned. The thing is it’s good stability for the kids to keep this house as he’s away a lot. He was away for 15 days in November alone.

If he kept it, it would be empty a lot! He also can’t ever say with regularity when he could have the kids so I don’t know how we’ll make that work.

@GingerPaste I’m going to get legal advice tomorrow, he’s being friendly now but lots of people have warned me about this.

I hope he is reasonable and agrees to move out. Can you raise the money to buy him out or will you need to sell and split the money? Sorry you are going through this, hope you have good support from friends and family 💐

In your circumstances, definitely tell him to leave. He doesn't get to dump this on you and then you all have to live in a house with him for his convenience. That's not fair on you or the kids. And he is no longer your partner so he doesn't get to call the shots in your life anymore.

And I'm in the he has someone lined up on the side camp. Don't make it easier for him by giving him a soft landing for his convenience. Don't put yourself through that.

I absolutely cannot raise the money and he knows that! I have a great job but it would really stretch me.
I have some lovely friends who have been amazing, I just need to stop bursting into tears when I tell people 😂

I needed to hear this. He’s quite controlling and for so long I’ve gone along with it. Professionally I’m not timid, you wouldn’t think so if you met me! But with him I always capitulate.

he wants to have his cake and eat it and I’m not going to go along with it, I need legal advice!

He is no longer your friend, you need to get Legal to protect yourself and your DC

Time for that to stop overnight. As long as you're in no physical danger with him, go ice cold with him. No more capitulation on anything. Tell him all discussions will now go via solicitors and as far as you're concerned, you are now officially separated. He does all his own domestic work and sleeps in a separate room. The future you will thank the current you for finding your strength, courage and resolve.

Thank You, I need to screenshot this and keep looking at it! I need to find more anger and strength from somewhere.

Stop doing anything for him

Cooking, washing, shopping everything

As far as you're concerned he isn't there

Yes he’s claiming it’s kinder for the DC if he and I live together and then he gets the house! But he’s away all the time! Make it make sense.

Is him mentally ill, diagnosed with a personality disorder like bipolar, narcisim or borderline ? Those cause extreme mood swings and behaviour like undervaluing the partner, then love bombing and starting over again this circle. You said he is often grump and it seems like a circle.

Anyway, I think you need to think what's better for you too. Would you be happier without him and his grumpiness in long term?

This.
And regards to how he'd manage custody that's not your problem anymore.
When my dh did this to me he expected to stay in the spare room until he'd figured out what to do next. He also expected flexible custody arrangements to suit his work travel and for me to continue doing all the school runs.
Nope nope and nope.
There was another woman by the way. She lived in another country!
His fantasy bubble was rather quickly squashed with the reality of literally everything.

??

Oh OP, being super nice. Its part of the script.

Get legal advice, one of your options is a mesher/occupation order for the house, it will also state who can/cannot live there until the children are older. Can you manage the bills alone? Thats what court will be looking at.

Get yourself a Private Detective.

Are you married? Sorry if I missed that. It may affect what advice/tips posters give you.

for example of you're not married you'll probably be entitled to a 50% split of the equity plus CM. But if you are and the children will be primarily living with you, you might get a bigger split of the house and other assets.

Cherchez la femme. 100% there will be one. Sorry for you