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Original poster

In shock, should he leave?

637 replies

Ialwaysthoughtitwasadojo · 25/11/2025 12:37

Sorry if this is a bit muddled, I’m honestly in shock. We’d actually been getting on better recently, he was finally making an effort, and then today he suddenly announced he wanted out, and doesn't see a long term future with me.

We’ve been together 12 years, two DC still at home, 7 and 9. The marriage had been hard because he gets incredibly grumpy, makes no effort, but we had been going to therapy and I thought things were getting better. We've just had a wonderful week away together.

So first of all, I'm feeling blind sided, has anyone had this? I feel so torn like I should try and save it. My therapist did say he was emotionally abusive, so I probably need to give my head a wobble. I thought maybe she was over reacting.

Also, he doesn't want to leave. He wants to stay in the house for 6/7 months if needed, whilst we figure things out! I can't do that. I can't pretend we're ok, it will be so much harder to get over! He's the one that wants out and works away all the time, can I ask him to leave? I'm primary carer, pick up all the slack and work from home.

OP posts:
Thread gallery
6
Beaniebobbins · 27/03/2026 21:51

Ialwaysthoughtitwasadojo · 27/03/2026 16:26

I feel for you, I'm in a similar position. I have a therapist, a divorce coach, and a solicitor, and it does really help. I also spoke to a local dometic abuse chairty, the problem is the bar for a non mol order is so high, it put me off. I did also log eveything with the police and spoke to them for 2 hours.

I am also being blamed, I am now realising how bad the abuse was, I bent over backwards for years to try to make him happy, the criticism, withdrawal of affection and the control have really done a number on me. I would be terrified to go to the gym or order a take away, I'd be accused of cheating. Nothing I did was good enough, he'd critise me after work meetings, after I'd seen my friends unpicking my behaviour.

Everyone thinks he should have moved out! My solicitor has said to move out and take the kids, until he can provide structure and routine, but I'm scared to do that!

Show quote history

I am speaking to a DA charity next week. I would like to move out now. At the start I wanted to stay in the house to keep things stable for the kids but now I just want away from him and my own space. I think I should be able to afford it but it is a lot of stress and much more disruptive for the kids. He has hired expensive solicitors so it feels like he is out for war. I’m just tired of it all now. I just want some peace in my own space with the kids without his bizarre behaviour.

TheBroonOneAndTheWhiteOne · 27/03/2026 21:59

Beaniebobbins · 27/03/2026 21:51

I am speaking to a DA charity next week. I would like to move out now. At the start I wanted to stay in the house to keep things stable for the kids but now I just want away from him and my own space. I think I should be able to afford it but it is a lot of stress and much more disruptive for the kids. He has hired expensive solicitors so it feels like he is out for war. I’m just tired of it all now. I just want some peace in my own space with the kids without his bizarre behaviour.

Show quote history

I think you deserve that after all you've suffered from your husband.
It'll be worth it for the peace alone.
I mean, not having him sulking etc.

WearyCat · 28/03/2026 08:35

Just want to add support to those struggling with emotionally abusive men- life becomes so much nicer and easier when he isn’t there. The effects take years (if ever) to wear off, patterns keep showing up, but you will feel as if you’ve taken off a coat made of lead or something, and the benefits for your mental health are incalculable.

Good luck- strength and courage to you 💪💐

LeebLeefuhLurve · 28/03/2026 09:16

OP, I think you underestimate how sacred and peaceful having your own space will be.

For whatever reason, he won't leave the house, some abusers have a 'winners' vs 'losers' mindset, and for him, it doesn't matter whose lives he upends, he needs to be a 'winner'. This is not a healthy environment for you and your children to thrive. For their (and your) emotional wellbeing, really isn't a battle worth winning.

A house is bricks and mortar, a home is where the heart and soul is. Imagine just pottering around in your own space (one that he hasn't entered, or tainted), no eye rolling, no snide comments, no stomach sinking, no jumping out of your skin.

While you are under the same roof as him, you could have a semblance of control, but not really. He benefits from you staying, and probably gets some twisted pleasure from knowing it makes you so miserable.

Moving out and taking the kids will take that power away from him, and you'll probably start to process the abuse faster, and realise just how abusive your situation is/was.

Original poster
Ialwaysthoughtitwasadojo · 30/03/2026 09:39

Beaniebobbins · 27/03/2026 21:51

I am speaking to a DA charity next week. I would like to move out now. At the start I wanted to stay in the house to keep things stable for the kids but now I just want away from him and my own space. I think I should be able to afford it but it is a lot of stress and much more disruptive for the kids. He has hired expensive solicitors so it feels like he is out for war. I’m just tired of it all now. I just want some peace in my own space with the kids without his bizarre behaviour.

Show quote history

I've reached this point, I'm currently in an air b and b as I have had enough! There was an incident last week where I didn't feel the kids were being kept safe, so I decided to leave.

No idea what to do next as he's meant to have the kids on Wednesday and I've got no where to go! Speaking to my solictior later hopefully. Why the FUCK doesn't he just move in with his parents? It's getting ridiculous now.

Hoping to file the c100 as quickly as possible to get something legal in writing for the kids, as he doesn't negotiate or listen at all, I just have to do as he says.

The system is shit.

OP posts:
Original poster
Ialwaysthoughtitwasadojo · 30/03/2026 09:40

LeebLeefuhLurve · 28/03/2026 09:16

OP, I think you underestimate how sacred and peaceful having your own space will be.

For whatever reason, he won't leave the house, some abusers have a 'winners' vs 'losers' mindset, and for him, it doesn't matter whose lives he upends, he needs to be a 'winner'. This is not a healthy environment for you and your children to thrive. For their (and your) emotional wellbeing, really isn't a battle worth winning.

A house is bricks and mortar, a home is where the heart and soul is. Imagine just pottering around in your own space (one that he hasn't entered, or tainted), no eye rolling, no snide comments, no stomach sinking, no jumping out of your skin.

While you are under the same roof as him, you could have a semblance of control, but not really. He benefits from you staying, and probably gets some twisted pleasure from knowing it makes you so miserable.

Moving out and taking the kids will take that power away from him, and you'll probably start to process the abuse faster, and realise just how abusive your situation is/was.

Yes, we're in an air b and b, and whilst the situation is hard, we've been laughing and relaxing and the kids seem so much calmer. It's so bloody sad.

OP posts:
Firefly100 · 30/03/2026 10:28

I have been following your updates and silently willing you on OP. Just a thought, he is meant to have the kids on Wednesday according to whom? Is this one of his ‘I’m not working so it is convenient for me to have the kids’ arrangements? You don’t have to do what he says anymore. If he can’t commit to having the kids every Wednesday, maybe stay in your BnB (for the moment) and say no. Tell him it’s not convenient and start offering every other weekend (or whatever you want the long term plan to be)

Firefly100 · 30/03/2026 10:30

And if the kids are happier away, maybe its
time to move into rented and stop paying towards the mortgage (assuming your solicitor agrees)

blackpooolrock · 30/03/2026 10:36

Hoping to file the c100 as quickly as possible to get something legal in writing for the kids, as he doesn't negotiate or listen at all, I just have to do as he says.

If you've moved out you don't have to do anything he says. As for the kids, try and get him to agree to a schedule. If he has them Wednesday tell him you will drop them off at 8:00 and will pick them up at whenever you want to, say 19:00 so he has to feed them and whatnot. Don't wait on him saying anything... just tell him what you are going to do.

Sunnydaystoday · 30/03/2026 11:27

So you have had to flee the home.
Be sure to use that language.
Speak to Women's aid and I think you should involve the police.
Tell them what is going on, his treatment of you and the children and feeling forced to leave.
You may be eligible for legal aid.

WearyCat · 30/03/2026 20:24

Sunnydaystoday · 30/03/2026 11:27

So you have had to flee the home.
Be sure to use that language.
Speak to Women's aid and I think you should involve the police.
Tell them what is going on, his treatment of you and the children and feeling forced to leave.
You may be eligible for legal aid.

This

PerformativeBewilderment · 16/04/2026 19:26

How are you getting on OP?

Hope that Easter was ok and that your AirBnB worked out well for some much needed space and clarity

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