In shock, should he leave?

[Ialwaysthoughtitwasadojo]

Sorry if this is a bit muddled, I’m honestly in shock. We’d actually been getting on better recently, he was finally making an effort, and then today he suddenly announced he wanted out, and doesn't see a long term future with me.

We’ve been together 12 years, two DC still at home, 7 and 9. The marriage had been hard because he gets incredibly grumpy, makes no effort, but we had been going to therapy and I thought things were getting better. We've just had a wonderful week away together.

So first of all, I'm feeling blind sided, has anyone had this? I feel so torn like I should try and save it. My therapist did say he was emotionally abusive, so I probably need to give my head a wobble. I thought maybe she was over reacting.

Also, he doesn't want to leave. He wants to stay in the house for 6/7 months if needed, whilst we figure things out! I can't do that. I can't pretend we're ok, it will be so much harder to get over! He's the one that wants out and works away all the time, can I ask him to leave? I'm primary carer, pick up all the slack and work from home.

I am speaking to a DA charity next week. I would like to move out now. At the start I wanted to stay in the house to keep things stable for the kids but now I just want away from him and my own space. I think I should be able to afford it but it is a lot of stress and much more disruptive for the kids. He has hired expensive solicitors so it feels like he is out for war. I’m just tired of it all now. I just want some peace in my own space with the kids without his bizarre behaviour.

I think you deserve that after all you've suffered from your husband.
It'll be worth it for the peace alone.
I mean, not having him sulking etc.

Just want to add support to those struggling with emotionally abusive men- life becomes so much nicer and easier when he isn’t there. The effects take years (if ever) to wear off, patterns keep showing up, but you will feel as if you’ve taken off a coat made of lead or something, and the benefits for your mental health are incalculable.

Good luck- strength and courage to you 💪💐

OP, I think you underestimate how sacred and peaceful having your own space will be.

For whatever reason, he won't leave the house, some abusers have a 'winners' vs 'losers' mindset, and for him, it doesn't matter whose lives he upends, he needs to be a 'winner'. This is not a healthy environment for you and your children to thrive. For their (and your) emotional wellbeing, really isn't a battle worth winning.

A house is bricks and mortar, a home is where the heart and soul is. Imagine just pottering around in your own space (one that he hasn't entered, or tainted), no eye rolling, no snide comments, no stomach sinking, no jumping out of your skin.

While you are under the same roof as him, you could have a semblance of control, but not really. He benefits from you staying, and probably gets some twisted pleasure from knowing it makes you so miserable.

Moving out and taking the kids will take that power away from him, and you'll probably start to process the abuse faster, and realise just how abusive your situation is/was.

I've reached this point, I'm currently in an air b and b as I have had enough! There was an incident last week where I didn't feel the kids were being kept safe, so I decided to leave.

No idea what to do next as he's meant to have the kids on Wednesday and I've got no where to go! Speaking to my solictior later hopefully. Why the FUCK doesn't he just move in with his parents? It's getting ridiculous now.

Hoping to file the c100 as quickly as possible to get something legal in writing for the kids, as he doesn't negotiate or listen at all, I just have to do as he says.

The system is shit.

Yes, we're in an air b and b, and whilst the situation is hard, we've been laughing and relaxing and the kids seem so much calmer. It's so bloody sad.

I have been following your updates and silently willing you on OP. Just a thought, he is meant to have the kids on Wednesday according to whom? Is this one of his ‘I’m not working so it is convenient for me to have the kids’ arrangements? You don’t have to do what he says anymore. If he can’t commit to having the kids every Wednesday, maybe stay in your BnB (for the moment) and say no. Tell him it’s not convenient and start offering every other weekend (or whatever you want the long term plan to be)

And if the kids are happier away, maybe its
time to move into rented and stop paying towards the mortgage (assuming your solicitor agrees)

Hoping to file the c100 as quickly as possible to get something legal in writing for the kids, as he doesn't negotiate or listen at all, I just have to do as he says.

If you've moved out you don't have to do anything he says. As for the kids, try and get him to agree to a schedule. If he has them Wednesday tell him you will drop them off at 8:00 and will pick them up at whenever you want to, say 19:00 so he has to feed them and whatnot. Don't wait on him saying anything... just tell him what you are going to do.

So you have had to flee the home.
Be sure to use that language.
Speak to Women's aid and I think you should involve the police.
Tell them what is going on, his treatment of you and the children and feeling forced to leave.
You may be eligible for legal aid.

This

How are you getting on OP?

Hope that Easter was ok and that your AirBnB worked out well for some much needed space and clarity

Sorry I haven't updated this thread in ages.

So some updates since I last posted, I moved out, at considerable expense and hassle and against some advice, I needed to get away from the abuse and also prove the 50/50 doesn't work when I'm not his live in Nanny.

He continues to dictate the child's schedule based around his work schedule, which means no routine or consistency. I've sent him a legal letter he's ignored, does anyone know what I can do?

For 7 months I haven't been able to pick a single day I have the kids bar a weekend away. He just doesn't listen! For July I want to start implementing a plan, but he has no set days of working so I don't know how to do this. Can anyone help?!

What did the legal letter say op? What is your solicitor advising?

Solicitor is advising he gets them every Tuesday night, then every other weekend, he has completely ignored it.

How are rhe children coping with all the chopping and changing? If it's impacting them significantly maybe chat with your solicitor about a prohibitive steps order? He can have rhem eow until he can propose a schedule that he can reliably do?

Well done for leaving and for staying strong. You say he is ignoring the letter, does that mean he hasn't seen the children since you left or are you facilitating him seeing them as and when he sees fit?

All you have to do is make DC available for those set dates. If he doesn’t show up, he doesn’t. But he doesn’t get to vary it.

Once he demonstrates some reliability and respect, you can implement flexibility.

They aren't going very well with all the changes, no 2 weeks are the same. They're always asking when they're going to see me again, it's tough. Solicitor hasn't suggested anything yet beyond sending him a letter with my suggestions! He hasn't replied.

He has written a plan, where we do 50/50, in reality I am bending and flexing to him, and his parents have stepped in.

I just have to be available any day he needs me! But he does get 3 weeks notice. He won't follow any plan I suggest, he just says he's having them and would 100% show up to school so what can I do?!

He is picking the days though and just ignores me when I say I need some structure! I know he'd turn up to school to get them on 'his' days that he has dictated so what do I do?

That is a tough one. I'm not sure of the legalities around him turning up at school but I assume that school would have to hand them over as he has PR. Hopefully moving forward you can eventually get a legal joint custody arrangement drawn up that is much more consistent as that type of uncertainty is very bad for the children.

Got to court for a CAO. 3 weeks notice is ample, or go for a straight 50/50, however I appreciate thats shit on the kids if they end up at in-laws.

He doesnt need to answer to a solicitor, he does need to answer to a court. There's no way ypu can be expected to put your life on hold to suit him.

Have you got documentation of all the times he hasn’t shown up? Is your solicitor aware of the abusive nature of the relationship?

I would just write back to him saying that in absence of any constructive counter proposal the proposal suggested by your solicitor starts now and you will make kids available on dates x and times and then just be aware you will probably be left hanging so have back up plans for no shows.

Also if you have the kids most of the time he should be paying child maintenance. If you haven’t already raised this it is better to do this sooner rather than later because I’ve been told that CMS will only backdate payments to the date you make the request to them, not the date you request it from him.

Your solicitor sounds pretty shit tbh.

Get to court and get a C100 form submitted as someone else has suggested.