In shock, should he leave?

[Ialwaysthoughtitwasadojo]

Sorry if this is a bit muddled, I’m honestly in shock. We’d actually been getting on better recently, he was finally making an effort, and then today he suddenly announced he wanted out, and doesn't see a long term future with me.

We’ve been together 12 years, two DC still at home, 7 and 9. The marriage had been hard because he gets incredibly grumpy, makes no effort, but we had been going to therapy and I thought things were getting better. We've just had a wonderful week away together.

So first of all, I'm feeling blind sided, has anyone had this? I feel so torn like I should try and save it. My therapist did say he was emotionally abusive, so I probably need to give my head a wobble. I thought maybe she was over reacting.

Also, he doesn't want to leave. He wants to stay in the house for 6/7 months if needed, whilst we figure things out! I can't do that. I can't pretend we're ok, it will be so much harder to get over! He's the one that wants out and works away all the time, can I ask him to leave? I'm primary carer, pick up all the slack and work from home.

Even if he can't have the kids regularly claim via the child maintenance service. Trust me you need to. Mine has the kids every other weekend and pays me 150 for 2 bc I felt bad when we broke up. The calculator estimates 500 per month. I don't wanna cause any issues now so I leave it. You don't wanna get to this stage with it

If he is away this often, you will likely get custody with him being allocated EOW. On that basis, you can a) negotiate that you retain possession of the house for now; b) you will be entitled to at least 50% of all marital assets in a financial agreement, but as the children are young and will necessarily need to be resident with you for 26 days a month you may be able to negotiate more - or an agreement that you can try to buy him out of the house and a period of time in which you are allowed to sort out the finances to do this.

Although it is his house too, if he has been abusive and it is him insisting the relationship is over, you are within your rights to insist that he leaves now and finds himself somewhere else to live for the 6/7months that he ‘sorts himself out’ [he may likely move in with the OW, as like others, I suspect that there is one].

I’d suggest you speak to a trusted family member today so you have someone in your corner and book an appointment with a solicitor too.

Oh, this rings a bell with me! Classic tactic to say ‘I’m not ready to leave … yet!’ The only way to handle this is to take control and say ‘well, this relationship is over because you’ve said you don’t see a future together.’ The future starts today, not when he feels like it suits him.

Get him out. Tell him you will buy him out, all your money was invested in that house, so your division of it needs to you reflect that.
You need to fight him early, while he is still feeling vaguely guilty.
Try & get copies of his bank accounts, savings, life insurance, pensions before he hides them

If you can't get him out this has to be plan B

Agree with this, but not solicitors, keep him in the dark about this for now. He doesn't need to know youre getting legal advice

He may already be a few steps ahead on that.

You can't force him to leave but you can ask him to leave. Certainly 6 months is ridiculous. If you stop being nice and doing his washing and cooking, hopefully he'll buggar off.

He will have someone else, almost certainly, however he's no catch is he, in the long run you may be pleased but this is a way off.

He will need to show you 12 months of bank statements so you'll know what he's been upto at some point.

Gather his pension details and savings to evidence them if youre able to.

Sending strength. Lean on people who love you and you can trust.

You’re all being so helpful, it’s truly helping me in this absolutely horrific time ❤️

He just greeted me asking about what I’m up to today and how I slept. Well, I slept…

FUCKING TERRIBLY! I slept terribly because the life I thought I had is gone. I just can’t understand what’s going on in his head. He must have been planning this for months. No sign of emotion at all like he’s just dead.

He wants to keep the house? Jog on mate!
Unless you'd prefer to move out (which perhaps gives you more control?) and him buying you out would enable you to put a decent deposit on a new place for you and the kids.

This is what they do unfortunately. Shut off from the guilt and detach. It's brutal.

It's totally normal for you to feel shock, up ended and devastated. Not sleeping is brutal but also normal. Don't be afraid to ask your gp for sleeping meds if you need them. Some anti histamines are good for this.

If you want to pm me, feel free.

Take care.

If he is emontionslly abusive such that it can be recognised by your therapist please contact women's aid. He may esalate when he realises he wont be calling the shots and you are taking some control in what happens going forward. They will be able to recommend Solicitors who are specialist in helping people in your situation. For example you wouldn't have to attend joint mediation with him.

Yes it is highly likely another woman will emerge shortly. Ignore any vigorous protestations that this is not the case. Men in this position lie profusely. As for him living at home, I do not think you can legally stop him if he owns the property. You are down to negotiating with him and agreeing what you do next. He is one step ahead of you so you need to start catching up on the practicalities. Particularly focusing on pensions and savings. Make a list of everywhere he has worked and look for a pension for each. Do you know where all the savings are and where he will have stated stuff? What about any bonus amounts where do these go? Are there any large assets you need awareness of. Cars and motorbikes in particular.

“Him Switching off” is a classic.
He has taken time to come to this point. He has looked at all the permutations now he has decided, the gate has come down. He has chosen another life.OW
Any crying will reenforce this.
He is talking about 6 months exit to pretend it can be amicable & not look like an utter bastard

A promise to you OP, get through this bit and life is going to be so much sweeter for you and your kids.

He is being breathtakingly unreasonable to dump you, but still expect you to play housekeeper. If he doesn't do the decent thing and move out (I don't think you can make him, unfortunately), I personally would make his time at home a living hell. I'm vindictive like that though. He's "being friendly" - how dare he, after years of moods and stomping about?! What a pig.

To answer your question - yes, he should leave. If he had an ounce of respect for you or self-respect himself, he would leave. He is not your friend - please don't think of him as one. Your relationship is over, this will initially be shit for the kids but they will be okay. Dragging it out for 6 months isn't going to make it any easier on them - so don't agree. He is controlling the situation, dumps his crap on you and then expects you to carry on as normal while he gets his ducks in a row.

He's still there because his solicitor has advised him that moving out will weaken his financial case in the divorce settlement, as my brother's did. You can't force him out if he half owns it, but you can refuse to cook and clean for him and make him sleep in another room and stay in his room in the evenings, not in the family lounge.

Good luck, he's a bad'un!

See a lawyer. Make sure you have his salary and pension details when you go. When you say sell the house in the "long term" how long term do you mean? Any parents or other relatives willing to loan you money to buy him out? I'd do this for my child as soon as I could free up the money.

Ask him how he is going to amend his work life balance as you will need reliable times to go on dates!

You need to gather as much paperwork as possible, pay slips, pensions, investments, proof of the lump payments against the morgage.
Gather as much as you can quickly.
Email it to yourself.
Any hint of him hiding money, get a forensic accountant on it.
Always money well spent.

(My friends sister's husband had a joint investment account with his sister for 25 years that she never knew about.
His sister never contributed a penny, it was all him.
His face when it came out.
He had never mentioned it in disclosure and the judge took a very dim view.)

He is NOT your friend.
He will absolutely want to screw you over financially.
I cannot stress that enough.
Every penny you get is your due and due to the children.
Make careful notes of what if anything he does for the children.
Have detailed notes of how much he is away.
Remember it looks like he will be a bare minimum dad, if that.
Financially it will be you on your own.

Also detail his control of you.
Was it Coercive in nature?
Educate yourself on Coercive control and its impact on you.
Tell your solicitor.
Get a recommendation and go for a rottweiler.
We are here for you.

How shocking. Especially when you've just had a lovely holiday.

Whether there’s another woman or not is a little irrelevant - he doesn’t get to dump you and then have all the benefits of you keeping him in the family home. I would tell him he needs to leave and ask him not to make it difficult. You do need a plan b though which might be that you leave with kids and rent somewhere. Ultimately he needs to lose control because he is not in charge.

I’m so sorry OP. 💐

It does seem like he doesn’t want to leave until his other plans are in place and he’s ready. Maybe there’s an OW who doesn’t want to split from her DP until after Christmas or something similar.

Fuck him. Tell him he has to leave. Get legal advice and take charge of this situation. File for divorce and get your business head on.

Much happier and calmer times await you on the other side of this.

Based on my own experience, I am going to say what I usually say on threads like this.

Expect him to vanish and never see the children AT ALL. Maybe once or twice a year, if he can be bothered. Doesn't matter what the courts say, what he's allocated or what you agree between you - if he's away a lot he can just take off hundreds of miles away and leave you to do it all. Make sure you have childcare sorted for when you need it, do not rely on him doing anything at all. I had five under ten when we separated and he saw them once a year. I just had to suck it up and it was hell. So prepare yourself...

First off, you can do this. Even though you don't feel like you can right now.

There's some fab advice on here. I'd keep quiet about you seeing solicitor for now. Gather the info you need quietly: account info, pension info, who paid what into the house, who took the career/earnings/pension hit when having kids/when they were small. Make a list of who does what with the kids on a daily/weekly basis. Keep it all quiet and show to solicitor so you can get the advice and info you need to move forward.

Take each day as it comes, and look after yourself! Don't be afraid (or ashamed!) to talk to trusted friends and your family. None of this is your fault.

I'd also grey rock him: stay civil/polite (as if you were talking to a colleague), no cooking/cleaning/doing his washing etc. If you have a spare room, he can move into that. Don't agree to anything re: finances/kids until you've got legal advice.

Also be prepared for him to turn into an absolute tosser. It was me lurking on here and reading other people's threads that really helped me through the hard times, and helped me prepare myself for what sort of shit could happen during separation/divorce.

I was too scared to post on here when all the shit was happening during my marriage - though I wish I posted on here years ago, as it would have probably given me the chance (and an online talking to!) to get my head straight some years before. In the weeks leading up to our split, I read Pointythings threads about her ex husband and his alcohol problems and that made me open my eyes so much my ex had similar issues)...it made me realise that it was ok to say "enough"...but even then, I was still too scared to draw a line and end things (but it did cause the cogs in my head to turn a bit more about accepting that I can't help him if he doesn't help himself). When we did split (he walked, said it was a temp split to sort his addictions out - long story - and then I found out about OW), I was able to take the advice I'd seen on other threads to move forwards with grey rock, collecting info and so on.

I'm 6yrs on now from all the shit and life is now bloody brilliant. I've been single ever since and am so happy. :)

Sounds like he needs a cold hard shock. You need to tell him he needs to take the kids 50% of the time. If he says he can't because of work then just tell him that's not your problem - it's his to sort out. As others have said document anything you have put into the house that you want back, try and work out values when you put money into the house and work out how much that has went up by. Don't let him do you over. You are entitled to have of anything he has - pensions, investments etc. but i'm sure you know that.

I would suggest he definitely has someone else but he's not sure that's going to work out so he's hedging his bets.

He's only being nice because he thinks you are capitulating again. Once you fight back he will change.