In shock, should he leave?

[Ialwaysthoughtitwasadojo]

Sorry if this is a bit muddled, I’m honestly in shock. We’d actually been getting on better recently, he was finally making an effort, and then today he suddenly announced he wanted out, and doesn't see a long term future with me.

We’ve been together 12 years, two DC still at home, 7 and 9. The marriage had been hard because he gets incredibly grumpy, makes no effort, but we had been going to therapy and I thought things were getting better. We've just had a wonderful week away together.

So first of all, I'm feeling blind sided, has anyone had this? I feel so torn like I should try and save it. My therapist did say he was emotionally abusive, so I probably need to give my head a wobble. I thought maybe she was over reacting.

Also, he doesn't want to leave. He wants to stay in the house for 6/7 months if needed, whilst we figure things out! I can't do that. I can't pretend we're ok, it will be so much harder to get over! He's the one that wants out and works away all the time, can I ask him to leave? I'm primary carer, pick up all the slack and work from home.

I would be telling him he leaves and figures it out somewhere else. It’s important kids get into a new routine as soon as possible and parents are not lying to them that everything’s ok for months. It’s also very unfair in you

@Vroomfondleswaistcoat is right about childcare. Make sure you get rock solid childcare in place - have have plans for childcare that don't involve relying on him. It honestly makes life so much easier. Obvs, if he steps up, then bonus, but don't rely on it!

The court was very sympathetic to me. They took into account the chunks of .mortgage I'd paid off and gave my ex a greatly reduced settlement so don't despair. You need really great legal advice. I got a top solicitor to see me for two appointments and hashed out a deal.

Why waste time, energy and money on that? OP has said there have been problems, she knows that already, she doesn't need a reason to divorce him.

Two very important things.
Do not under any circumstances pretend that everything is OK. Do not play house with him. He's doing it because it suits him and I guarantee that when he's good and ready, he will turn on you and become your arch enemy. Your self esteem and worth will plummet to nothing if you allow yourself to be manipulated and controlled like this.
Also, it's good that you're a consultant. Dry your work up ready for the financials of the divorce.

I agree. Don't waste your money. You don't need evidence and you can't unsee what you might see.

We just had a chat. I said I was finding this really hard, he said he was NOT leaving.

I said I felt blindsided and this wasn’t my decision, he said he wasn’t leaving his kids. I said he wasn’t being fair as I couldn’t move on, he just said he wasn’t leaving because of the kids.

what the hell do I do now? I just can’t bear this situation. It’s killing me.

Agreeing with the rottweiler comment. Divorce lawyers are not all created equally. Some will go for the jugular and leave him stood there with only the underpants he's wearing. Get yourself one of these. They cost an absolute fortune but they're worth every penny.

His children don't figure in his plans, at all.
He is in a holding position until it suits him to leave.
If he isn't involved with someone, it is likely someone has caught his eye and he is playing the long game.
Expect lies about this, him, you and his motivation.

You need a rottweiler.
It will be the best money you will ever spend.

OK. All you can do is start the legal process.

Also you can stop doing anything for him, washing, cooking etc. He doesn’t want you, remember, so he doesn’t get you.

He is being utterly selfish.

I really didn’t think he would be like this, he’s being so cold and selfish. I said how the hell am I going to move on or start to heal when you’re here? He just kept saying ‘I’m not moving out’ like a stuck record.

You stop having these conversations immediately. Get yourself booked in to a good therapist and use her to cry to and talk to until you have no more words left to say. This will likely take months. I know I and others on here sound cut-throat and hard but there's good reason for that. He's a walking cliche and they pretty much all do the same thing. You have a stranger in your house. He's not your friend and ally. Don't beg him, don't explain how you feel. Grey rock him. Stone cold. See a lawyer.

Does anyone know a good solicitor?

Let the solicitors solicit has always been my mantra, been divorced twice that's what they are paid for.
Please don't let him bully you OP, once you divorce his inrest in the kids might well wane once the novelty wears off / other woman gets pregnant.
Whatever else is going on in his life he is a complete knob.

He's backtracking because he realised he's played his hand and shown his cards too early. He's keeping you sweet until whatever masterplan he has comes to fruition.

Still get legal advice without him knowing. Sounds like he will leave eventually anyway. You don't just 180 over marriage and kids like that overnight. He's a great big liar.

Yes, I thought I could reason with him. He kept going on yesterday how he wanted me to be happy and how much he cared.

I was trying to say now we’re broken up he doesn’t get to play happy families anymore, he doesn’t get dinners with me anymore. And I can’t live like this pretending. Unfortunately I did break down and cry. He just looked like he couldn’t have cared less.

booking therapy now, does anyone know a good solicitor?

Meant to add I wouldn't bother with wasting time with therapy either.
Channel your money and energies into your kids and a divorce. Family and friends are far better sounding boards than some random with one eye on the clock because your session is nearly up.

So he’s turned your life upside down but wants to just act like nothing has happened? What a selfish bastard. Oh and why on earth does he think that he should get to keep the house when you do all the childcare and he’s not even at home for days at a time? He’s not thinking of the children then is he?!

Why does he not want to leave the children now, yet is happy to in 6/7 months time? The fact that he’s happy to in the future shows this has nothing to do with the children. What is his plan for telling the children? He really can’t expect you to play happy families, keeping them in the dark until he decides to go.

What is your relationship like with his family? Could you speak to them and ask them to get him to move out now?

You need a solicitor in your town. Or nearby.

A solicitor can be found by using the Law Society's Find a Solicitor tool on their website. https://solicitors.lawsociety.org.uk/
This may help you
Alternatively if you have friends/ family who have had to use a firm of solicitors you can ask them for recommendations.
Good luck, I hope it all works out for you.

You need to find your fire... Don't let him dictate to you. Get a good solicitor in your town who is known for divorce and get strong.

No more cosy dinners, no more cosy anything... it's absolutely nothing to do with kids, he's bluffing.

He wants out but not out? He really can't see that his life will have to change, does he?
How would he manage if you moved out and left him with most of the childcare? It doesn't sound as if it would be possible for him at all!
Can you ask your solicitor about forcing a sale of the property in the event of a divorce and he refuses to move out?

Hi OP I'm so sorry it's come to this.
No wonder you're so distressed. Your husband is behaving very, very badly.

I agree with whoever said not to spend your money on more therapy. That can wait, I think.
You need to find a good solicitor for now.

By all means have more therapy after you've got rid of your husband.

Was it you who started a thread about your current therapist telling you that your husband was emotionally abusive, about three months ago?

The house thing likely comes from a lawyer, so yes, get your own - and fast.

Make sure the kids are told - it's awful, but it's better in the long run than them watching you appearing to lose your mind and then having to tell them. He will be hoping not to do this or for you to handle, but kids always know more than their parents realise, so they will notice a change.

Once those steps are in place, you have to work out how to shut the marriage down. He is responsible for his own life; you owe him no comfort - it's a hard shift, but the best thing you can do is stop making his life comfortable.

Emotionally, it's so hard to understand the mindfuck that is, that after XX years, suddenly you no longer feature in their plans or thoughts. But once the snowball starts going, it will move fast. I'm only 4 months in, but already there have been milestones that make me realise I will survive this, and actually, it will be fine.

And speak to friends, don't hide away - you're hurt, blindsided and being forced into a situation you didn't choose. Do not fall for the "let's tell everyone it's mutual/amicable" trap. Be honest with people - you need it for your own sanity and recovery - if they are uncomfortable (sadly, likely the husbands of mutual friends), tough, that says more about them and their attitude than it does about you and your needs.