In shock, should he leave?

[Ialwaysthoughtitwasadojo]

Sorry if this is a bit muddled, I’m honestly in shock. We’d actually been getting on better recently, he was finally making an effort, and then today he suddenly announced he wanted out, and doesn't see a long term future with me.

We’ve been together 12 years, two DC still at home, 7 and 9. The marriage had been hard because he gets incredibly grumpy, makes no effort, but we had been going to therapy and I thought things were getting better. We've just had a wonderful week away together.

So first of all, I'm feeling blind sided, has anyone had this? I feel so torn like I should try and save it. My therapist did say he was emotionally abusive, so I probably need to give my head a wobble. I thought maybe she was over reacting.

Also, he doesn't want to leave. He wants to stay in the house for 6/7 months if needed, whilst we figure things out! I can't do that. I can't pretend we're ok, it will be so much harder to get over! He's the one that wants out and works away all the time, can I ask him to leave? I'm primary carer, pick up all the slack and work from home.

Is he contactable when he's living away and where does he stay?

I can't imagine what you're going through OP but I'm just pointing this out in a purely matter of fact way that might hopefully help in some way- if he stays in the house alone and is away that much, it will make the house insurance void.

I think one of the things you need to keep in mind is he doesn't care if you heal/get to grips with the situation, he's probably happier if you don't as it keeps you wrong footed. Don't bother trying to appeal to his 'better nature', that's long gone. Unfortunately he does not have to leave but you absolutely must not leave either. Do you have space for spare rooms? Then after that it's grey rock time. Here's DS, I'll be back in 2 hours, etc. Keep it calm around the children but otherwise grey rock all the way. He's finding strength in your upset right now.

Leave his family out of it, it's absolutely nothing to do with them. All you would be doing is telling tales - it's completely childish and manipulative.

Definitely go away this weekend and just LEAVE him with the kids.

Also definitely get a SHL recommended - you've said that you've put a lot more into the house / mortgage AS WELL as doing pretty much all the life & kids stuff. Future you will thank today you for getting a fair deal - you have years of pretty much bringing up the kids on your own to pay for and make happen, whilst needing to ensure you have an equal amount of savings, pension etc.

🙄

What is it with some of you lot?

Are you so insecure that you can't even countenance another interpretation of the facts laid before us.

I said it might be right or it might be wrong.

You added exactly nothing to helping the OP sort out her thoughts.

Do not involve his family, they are his family and will side with him. It will leave you in a more vulnerable position and it can and will be used against you.

Its a horrid reality but you have to see that its you versus him now, amicable went out the window when he started treating you like this.

You cannot kick him out.
You can ask him but as he said no you need to drop it as it will end up causing arguments.

I understand how you are feeling but it’s the kids I feel sorry for.
Making their dad leave just before Xmas would be unfair to them.

I would tell him that he can stay until X date and then you’ll have to put the house on the market and both find somewhere else to live if you cannot afford to buy him out.

I completely understand your reasoning but don’t cut your nose off to spite your face - right now you live in a home where he pays half the bills, he works away a lot so you don’t have to see him often and when he’s home he takes care of the kids and helps with housework and cooking etc and the kids don’t know any different.

If he were to move out soon you’d be paying 100% bills, 100% housework etc, having to sell the house, looking for somewhere to live, sorting a divorce etc - it wouldn’t be to your advantage.

Allow him to stay for your benefit but agree on a date to put the house on the market.

For now as he works away alot, just try and stay out of his way when he’s home.
Is there anywhere you can stay? You can tell the kids you’re going away for work.

I don't think it unreasonable to say that to him. And I hope he'd see your pov and accommodate you.

But to avoid arguments or concerns about ulterior motives on your part, I'd suggest you make it a fixed term and agree that in writing.

That way you have some protection from him just rocking up when he fancies, and he has some certainty that you're not changing the locks...

Unless you're actually afraid of him now I'd not lawyer up and start escalating immediately.

I say this mostly because the only way he'll not be home is if he agrees to that. So trying to mandate it would be tricky. Fabricating unrealistic stories to help your case (no doubt someone will suggest this) would be even worse.

^ The above is the route I would take assuming the alternate reality is reasonable - i think you're smart enough to decide whether it would help/hinder your actual situation.

If he wants out but doesn't want to leave for 6 to 7 months that would ring alarm bells.
If he wants out he needs to find somewhere else to stay ASAP.
He can't have it both ways stand up to him get legal advice protect yourself and be ready for battle.
You can do this you deserve peace keep telling yourself that. As for the children if he wants to stay in regular contact he will have to find a way if he doesn't you can't force it but make sure child maintenance is sorted out x

Read the whole thread including my posts.

FWIW, the criticism is not of you but of a most likely a…e of a DH.

OP, you can't keep a marriage when your spouse wants out. It doesn't matter why he wants out or how much he gaslights you, he's told you what he wants while trying to keep you emotionally confused. It's a well known strategy, previous to divorce, to keep the spouse "sweet".

See a solicitor.

Hi OP, I’m going to DM you the details of an excellent solicitor.

I would not allow him to destroy my Xmas.
What is he expecting ? jolly drinks over Xmas, with a tree you decorate & a turkey you slave over?
Please take your kids home to your parents for Xmas, he can pick them up on Boxing Day, It is him who has instigated this, let him feel it.
Do not cook, clean, or feed him. He can sleep on the sofa.
he doesn't get the perks & comfort of being in the marriage he has thrown a grenade into.
Also you need to immediately stop capitulating, allowing him to be Boss. He isn't.

To answer some questions, he travels all over the World, so he's never just in one place.

Christmas is planned at his brothers, we go every year and the kids love it. I'm tempted to do Christmas morning with them all, then go to my friends. I don't want to penalise the kids. Also, if I give him this year then I want all day next year. My parents aren't around anymore unfortunately.

I KNOW I can't ask him to leave, but I'm just finding it excruciating to live with someone, that I actually still care about, who couldn't give a shit about me. I know I need to move on, but I found out YESTERDAY!

We genuinely had a lovely time away, still having sex, laughing, he was being really affectionate! He'd organised holidays for us in the future.

I am finding my anger, I am slowly becoming stronger, I just need him out of the way to heal.

I do take the point @Cucy makes, and yes that is a positive, he is away a lot, and I can take myself out of the house when he's here, I can work form elsewhere with clients too.

Honestly, at work I'm so strong and professional, you wouldn't think I'd be this pathetic!

I think this post bears repeating. Also, @Ialwaysthoughtitwasadojo, even if your house is now worth much more than it was when you bought it, so that you think it would be expensive for you to buy him out, I would think the first thing you could do for yourself would be to calculate proportionally how much you have put into it, compared to how much he has put into it, so that maybe buying him out might not actually be as huge a stretch as you imagine? I’m sure his wanting to stay put is to establish his own rights to the property and to get rid of you (and the children, as with his lifestyle/travelling for work, he can hardly be the parent who looks after them in the family home). I have no idea how any of this works legally, I’m just thinking aloud. I could be completely wrong as I’ve often read on MN that if you are married, the house share is 50:50 no matter who is on the deeds and how much each person has contributed, but it might well be worth your also checking this with your shit hot solicitor, when you find them. I hope that makes sense!
I’m so sorry you are going through this, but if he won’t be persuaded to go and stay with his brother, I think you should try the route suggested by @Beaniebobbins above, as much as you can get it to suit your situation.
Lots of hugs xxxx

but I found out YESTERDAY!

This is the main thing: it's raw, it's new, and it's a mindfuck.

To make a huge decision like this and present it as a fait accompli, and dictate the terms he wants - that's cruel - regardless of the reason he is doing it.

So all you need to do today - and tomorrow - and for however long it takes in the short term - is survive. Yes, you need to sort lawyers, custody and the house.
But today, just find a way to get through it. 💐

Also what @SoSoPredictable just said. He’ll have been planning it for ages, and the way you describe him having gone about it is quite Jekyll and Hyde. Scary.

I'm so sorry you're going through this OP and I think the support of a good divorce lawyer is crucial to you right now - please make this your priority in dealing with your STBX (a friend of mine in a similar situation got a fantastic divorce lawyer who screwed her ex in more ways than he could have imagined and got her a great settlement).
In your OP you wrote: "Also, he doesn't want to leave. He wants to stay in the house for 6/7 months if needed, whilst we figure things out!" I find it especially cruel OP - torturous, in fact - to tell you now that he plans to officially split in 6-7 months time and expects you to play happy families in the meantime - who the hell does he think he is? Why didn't he just tell you in 5-6 months time and leave you in blissful ignorance?
And what is his plan for "figuring things out" during the next 6-7 months? You both consult divorce solicitors (assuming he hasn't already done so) and mediate a separation agreement (actual divorce can be sorted out later) - why would that take 6-7 months? Claiming he's staying these extra months because "he wasn't leaving his kids" is absolute nonsense - whether he leaves them now or in 6-7 months time, he is leaving them. As you and PPs have highlighted, how on earth is he going to fulfil his side of any custody arrangements when his absence through work is so unpredictable and often lengthy?
I agree with a PP who suggested renaming him in your phone - "Selfish A-hole" would get my vote. Your current situation is clearly untenable and I wish you the very best of luck finding a solution for it. 💐

Most of us understand the head fuck and emotional shock to find the person you've lived and loved, for many years, to suddenly say " I want out". It takes time to deal with the emotional repercussions but you've already had a head start because your psychologist thinks he's abusive. You didn't want to believe them and you are now experiencing the shock of a reality you were not prepared to deal with.

Few women want to divorce. We have history, family, kids and financial issues to stop us taking this step. But once your partner/DH tells you he wants out, it's time to get pragmatic and get a solicitor. There is no coming back.

I strongly recommend the book "the Art of War". Emotions when you are separating are going to run wild but should be talked with family and friends, while preparing to get the best deal you can in a divorce.

You are NOT pathetic OP - you are in shock. And small wonder when you write "We genuinely had a lovely time away, still having sex, laughing, he was being really affectionate! He'd organised holidays for us in the future." Seriously, what game is he playing here? And why? The very least he owes you is a credible explanation for his appalling selfishness.

@CanSeeClearlyNowTheRainHasGone Your "alternate reality" of "... he's been fair and honest, and genuinely wants to disentangle as gently as possible ..." might have more credibility if he was genuinely showing any 'gentleness' in his dealings with OP. Surely, if he genuinely cared about how OP is dealing with her shock, emotional turmoil and the vision of her and their DC's new future, he would do as she asks and go and stay up the road with his brother to give her the space she needs to adjust? Instead, he's digging in his heels and insisting he will "NOT" leave whilst expecting OP to march to the beat of his drum. Sorry, but your "alternate reality" of his motivation simply doesn't ring true.

This is a very self centred perspective though from his perspective.

I dont think anyone who cares about someone can drop a bomb on them that tueu dont want to be qoth them anymore and still expect to play happy families in the family home- infact it's a bit narcissistic. A decent person would have given op space and left the house for at least couple of days to give op to to grieve and come to terms

Op Id do Christmas at home. Last thing I could cope with is playing happy families with soon to be ex family.

If he wants to then take them in the afternoon to see his brother fine. But he doesnt get to drop a bomb and expect you to suck up the consequences.

Don't agree to anything without legal advice @Ialwaysthoughtitwasadojo , he wants to stay for months and will take the opportunity to try and wear you down over money/housing/child custody. Unfortunately, now he's looking to end your marriage you can't afford to be too amicable because you can't trust him, he's looking for the best deal for him and some people can be surprising ruthless when it comes to divorce. Take care of yourself and your DC, what he wants is now not your concern