In shock, should he leave?

[Ialwaysthoughtitwasadojo]

Sorry if this is a bit muddled, I’m honestly in shock. We’d actually been getting on better recently, he was finally making an effort, and then today he suddenly announced he wanted out, and doesn't see a long term future with me.

We’ve been together 12 years, two DC still at home, 7 and 9. The marriage had been hard because he gets incredibly grumpy, makes no effort, but we had been going to therapy and I thought things were getting better. We've just had a wonderful week away together.

So first of all, I'm feeling blind sided, has anyone had this? I feel so torn like I should try and save it. My therapist did say he was emotionally abusive, so I probably need to give my head a wobble. I thought maybe she was over reacting.

Also, he doesn't want to leave. He wants to stay in the house for 6/7 months if needed, whilst we figure things out! I can't do that. I can't pretend we're ok, it will be so much harder to get over! He's the one that wants out and works away all the time, can I ask him to leave? I'm primary carer, pick up all the slack and work from home.

You urgently need to read Chumplady.com

if the house is jointly owned you cannot get either party to leave. If is both their homes even if one person argues they work away. So there is no should they leave in a legal sense

Going through similar myself - totally blindsided - and yes, there was a woman.
The main thing is to get to a lawyer and be brutal about it. He will feign amicability, but honestly, my advice is to worry about becoming amicable later (if you wish, for the sake of the kids). For now, you need to be absolutely focused on what's right for yourself and the kids.

There will be lots of advice on the big stuff, but small things that have helped me.

• Change his name in your phone - mine is now "Stop making his life easier" - it pulls you up short whenever you fall back into the usual pattern of smoothing things over. Unless it's specifically helping the kids, I have backed right away from his life.
• Speak to the kids earlier rather than later, age-appropriate, of course and together, but let him say the actual words. Kids don't always hear the words, but they do remember who spoke.
• Tell him to leave - hotel, friend (woman) - not your problem, and btw the life admin that goes along with that - also not your problem. If he won't insist on separate rooms and don't do anything to help him.
• Custody - before agreeing to anything, stop and work out what is best for you and the kids. My ex_DH also travels all the time with no regularity. I never stop him from seeing the kids, but I have been clear that their lives come first - just because he's free on Wednesday, it doesn't mean they miss out if they have an activity, tough - he either leaves work early and facilitates taking them, or he misses that day and has to accommodate another. Sadly, my ex has not stepped up at all on this - but hopefully yours will.
• Focus on you - again, I got this wrong until a friend pulled me up on this. Naturally, you focus on the kids, but you need to take time for yourself - to cry, to scream, to be with friends, to be alone. Call in every favour you can to get time to look after yourself.

If you aren’t going to be able to afford to keep the house yourself but he can, you might be better off agreeing to him buying you out and looking straight away for a place you can afford. So you get the kids into a more stable situation ASAP. I’m glad you’re getting legal advice and you should listen to them over anything you get on here, but my understanding is that courts are reluctant nowadays to make orders that allow one partner to stay in the house until the kids leave home. And even until things are finalised, it can be hard to get an occupancy order if he refuses to move out. Just something to consider.

If he isn’t around on a regular basis, do your best not let him pick and choose his dates around his work and land you with all the ongoing, regular costs like clubs and after school care, school dinners, uniform, transport to school etc. but then take them when it suits him and he has no responsibility for regular costs. Maintenance is, unfortunately really poorly designed to cover the real costs the main parent takes on, so this may be hard. But you don’t have to remain permanently flexible, letting him take them at the drop of a hat - and it won’t be good for your kids if you do. They need stability and to know where they are going to be when.

My former husband turned on me like switching a light switch on or off.
He called from a different (US) state and told me he wanted a divorce, but that he wanted “things to just keep going as they are.”
I knew he had a woman, because he had stopped coming home at all - yet I was at home keeping house, paying bills and “keeping the home fires burning” like he’d asked me time and again so many years before.
And I taken up working part time.
So I found an attorney and filed for divorce - like my husband asked - and it infuriated him.
He declared war on me from that moment on, instead of just getting a divorce.
It cost me every penny I had and a lot I had to borrow from my parents.
In the end, I found out it wasn’t just a woman. It was their toddler, too.
You’d think any normal person would just want a quick divorce so they could marry their baby mama and move on — but he dragged our divorce out in court for over a year.
In any case, a $million would’ve been worth it to get away from that crazy, vindictive dude.
In a divorce, there’s always one spouse who goes crazy - if it isn’t you, then fasten your belt. Or make sure you’re protected in every single solitary area - because your crazy spouse will go through every single solitary one.

So sorry you're having to deal with this situation. I also suspect there's another woman.
Before deciding you can't afford to buy him out of the house, it may be worth speaking to a lawyer to first establish what financial split you can realistically expect given that he works away so much and isn't in a position to have the children much.
What financial split (if any) would make it possible for you to buy him out? 70:30? 65:35?
Remember, it's now possible to get 35 year mortgages which would bring your monthly costs down somewhat. This may help in the shorter term and then remortgage in the future with a shorter term when you're more back on your feet. Would a lodger be a possibility too?

The blindsiding after a good week away is classic. He probably made his decision ages ago but was waiting for the right time. And now he wants 6-7 months?? No. Get legal advice immediately about making him leave. Document everything his absence due to work, you being primary carer, all of it. Your therapist wasn't overreacting. Trust her and protect yourself and your children.

No. They’re married with young children. See a solicitor and focus on staying in the house whilst they’re in education. No need to plan for ground zero immediately

If OP can keep the house, that's a good plan. But if she can't afford to him buy out, that sort of arrangement is not commonly provided by the courts any more. OP needs to talk to a solicitor to discuss what she's likely to get, but if that is not a likely scenario, getting her head around it and finding a stable long term solution is a better focus for her energy than fighting for interim occupancy of a house she's going to have to leave anyway.

The amount of time he’s requesting to sort things out indicates he’s with someone who has her own stuff to sort out. Maybe married with kids.
Mine too expected me to carry on facilitating everything at home while he did what he wanted. What does yours say about how often he plans to have the children? In his head it will be when he wants/when he’s free and they are conveniently stored with you until that happens.

Harden your heart OP and don’t capitulate. Take the good advice offered here and seek good legal advice. He needs to go. I agree with others someone else is involved and he will not be your (or your children's) friend.

Friends of ours tried to do this, no other person involved they just realised that they didn’t want to be together anymore because of different opinions in raising the children etc
The atmosphere in the house was awful, they bickered all the time and resented each other so much.
They were going to try and Co habit for a year until youngest child left primary school. It lasted 4 months, it was just impossible.
As someone else has said tell him that you now consider yourself separated and are seeking legal advise, you can’t make him move out as a joint owner but it’s time to stop being his partner, he needs to fend for himself and sleep elsewhere until the arrangements can be sorted ie sell the house, agreed to move out etc

Get the legal advice before you speak to him. You can be sure he has.
Know where you stand!

Thanks so much for this, I read every word.

It’s so very similar to my position, what he’s saying and how I feel.

He’s been trying to say I’m not happy with him and he doesn’t want to make me unhappy, which is bollocks because we’ve literally just had a lovely holiday together!

To answer some questions, I’m currently on a very good salary, I say currently as it’s consultancy so my work is unpredictable.

we’re married, we both own the house, yes I can afford mortgage and bills on my own.

I cannot live like this, he made dinner last night like we were fine and we all sat around chatting! You want to end things? You don’t get this anymore, he does need a cold hard shock.

I’m going to get legal advise today, thanks so much. I need to be much firmer.

At the moment all default child care is on me, and obviously when he’s home he sees them.

We literally wouldn’t be able to come up with ANY regular arrangement because he could be away 4 days one week, he could be away for 10 weekends in a row etc! But I think he expects me to still facilitate his life, the amount of social/work events I miss out on for him!

I do want him to see the kids but it would also be nice to have a life and be able to plan.

I’m already hating it to be honest and he’s not feeling the full force of his decision.

I really don’t think he has anyone else, BUT I think his head has been turned and he’s always wanted to play the field a bit. He didn’t really before we got together. He would bring it up in arguments how I had more boyfriends than him. he’s also in an industry where he's surrounded by younger women!

I can get on board with selling the house to be honest, in the long term.

What I cannot stand is living together right now! He needs to go and stay with his brother (who has space) down the road. I just don’t know why he’s still here!!!!

Off to read this now.

You will. For now its all a horrible shock. I was just paralysed when my exH did this. Bursting into tears is normal.
These feelings are perfectly normal in the early days.
As the divorce progresses you will start to feel better. It was the downsizing that hurt me. I'd spent so much love and money on my house on the South Downs then had to move into a new home. We had a great life and he just wanted to throw it all away.
Looking back good riddance.
You will be ok just take it one day at a time.

He does not ‘get the house’, it’s jointly owned. As far as I know you should be able to remain in the house until the children are 18.

I’ll look into it, the thing that makes me want to stay is the fact Our mortgage is tiny now as I paid a huge amount of it off with my investments. Now mostly gone as they are in this house! I can afford to live in it, quite easily at the moment as my work is going really well. I’m slightly nervous as I work on contracts that come and go.

It’s also REALLY gone up in value so to buy him out and then pay the mortgage would be quite hefty!

This is not your worry. Lots of parents have jobs with travel - they have to work out a plan with their employer.
Your dh needs to do the same now, if he can't he'll have to consider a move.
He's been able to maintain his career alongside fatherhood because you've made sacrifices for him and facilitated it. Not any more!

This is just so alien to where I currently am and have been, I need to keep drumming this into my head.