In shock, should he leave?

[Ialwaysthoughtitwasadojo]

Sorry if this is a bit muddled, I’m honestly in shock. We’d actually been getting on better recently, he was finally making an effort, and then today he suddenly announced he wanted out, and doesn't see a long term future with me.

We’ve been together 12 years, two DC still at home, 7 and 9. The marriage had been hard because he gets incredibly grumpy, makes no effort, but we had been going to therapy and I thought things were getting better. We've just had a wonderful week away together.

So first of all, I'm feeling blind sided, has anyone had this? I feel so torn like I should try and save it. My therapist did say he was emotionally abusive, so I probably need to give my head a wobble. I thought maybe she was over reacting.

Also, he doesn't want to leave. He wants to stay in the house for 6/7 months if needed, whilst we figure things out! I can't do that. I can't pretend we're ok, it will be so much harder to get over! He's the one that wants out and works away all the time, can I ask him to leave? I'm primary carer, pick up all the slack and work from home.

Hard as it is, and counter to what many poster will say, if it’s his house too then you can’t “chuck him out” or “tell him to go”

living in the same house while splitting up is unfortunately what many people have to do. It’s horrible, but you can’t no more evict him than he can you

And I just realised this is an old thread, so sorry for comments that are out of date…

I’m pleased that you intend to call the national abuse line. He is a controlling bastard.

i would also take your solicitors advice and file the C100. He’ll of course will dick you around, push for 50:50 even though he can’t actually do it. What did the solicitor say about the house situation?

He is financially abusing you on top of everything else, what a charmer.

GPs and solicitors don't recommend abuse charities unless they can see abuse. All of us posters see the abuse too. It's time to go against the "training" he has done to you, come out of your comfort zone and be a little more proactive. At the very least you need to follow the professional advice you have been given.

It is tough and he'll try to break you many times but if you give in he'll still punish you for trying to leave. Try and think of it as two years pain versus forty - that's what helped me when I was at my lowest

OP you're finally gravitating to the realisation that you're being badly abused by your husband.
I'm glad you're almost there. Please contact some domestic abuse advice services.

You are being financially abused and he is absolutely coercively controlling you.
If only you could find the strength to go to the police.

Because he is using you as childcare he needs to pay for that.

I would be reducing what you pay, tell him your paying equal percentages of salary towards the bills. If you pay 10% of your salary into the bills he needs to do the same.

Get the C100 form in and make him start playing the game. He has it easy just now and doesn't think you're serious about things.

You can’t fix a relationship on your own’ let him go girl

Let him go?
He won't go!

RTFT

How are things going? I always?

Hope things have moved on a bit now OP. Let us know.

Thanks for checking in, unfotunately we're not much further forward.

I've spoken to a local domestic abuse charity, who told me to call the police. Spoke to the police for 2 hours and got some great advice from them last week. So it's logged with them, and they've let the school know.

I've got a meeting with my solicitor to talk a non mol order, and all of the other stuff like child matters and finances. Basically I need her to come up with a plan to get me away from him as quickly as possible, even if it means me moving out, but me getting the money from him as soon as I can.

I bloody hate it, it's basically perpetual silent treatment and ignoring me in front of my own children, and spinning this narrative that I'm a bad Mum.

He still thinks he can get 50/50... He doesn't have a single weekend off this month.

Sounds to me like you ARE much further forward!

You’re doing all the right things OP. Keep Buggering On as Churchill would advise.

Lots of cheesy food, lots of friends round, 25% to the bills and have a browse for properties. Might be worth valuing the house so you know your budget.

I think I had virtually the same conversation with a solicitor last week. Still unsure what to do. I just want to be away from him and have some peace and freedom in my own home but it is difficult and disruptive to move the kids. But then an injunction to get him out of the house seems stressful.. and then staying him in the house means I will have to resist the urge to shout WILL YOU JUST FUCK OFF YOU MASSIVE TWAT all day everyday while putting up with his erratic behaviour that I know is all intended to piss me off and it’s not good for my mental health. Just so exhausted with it all.

Thanks I guess there have been steps! I just can’t believe I’m 4 months down and he’s still here.

Yes everyday I try and do something fun, or call a friend or organise something for the future. I am just trying to take each day as it comes.

I hear you, it’s fucking horrendous isn’t it. Did he break up with you? How long has it been?

I get subjected to his moody awful behaviour and his disrespect to me in front of my kids every single day, I’ve had enough. Il let you know tomorrow what my solicitor suggests, it may help you.

@Ialwaysthoughtitwasadojo maybe this thread could give you some light relief.

revenge ideas (jokey ones!)

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/5507966-revenge-fantasy-plea?page=5&reply=151290242

Thanks for this, it did provide a much needed laugh. The creativity in that thread is astonishing!

He told me, in a text message, that he had been unhappy since the kids were born about a year ago. We tried counselling where he alternated between leaving and not leaving to finally getting the hump in October and saying he was leaving because I was horrible to live with and never let him to do the things he wanted to do. His behaviour has been weird ever since. One day sulking, another day dad of the year. It's really taking it's toll on my mental health . I have a therapist for myself now and also have arranged to speak with a DA charity next week (at the advice of the therapist). I just want to wake up in a house that doesn't have him in it.

I feel for you, I'm in a similar position. I have a therapist, a divorce coach, and a solicitor, and it does really help. I also spoke to a local dometic abuse chairty, the problem is the bar for a non mol order is so high, it put me off. I did also log eveything with the police and spoke to them for 2 hours.

I am also being blamed, I am now realising how bad the abuse was, I bent over backwards for years to try to make him happy, the criticism, withdrawal of affection and the control have really done a number on me. I would be terrified to go to the gym or order a take away, I'd be accused of cheating. Nothing I did was good enough, he'd critise me after work meetings, after I'd seen my friends unpicking my behaviour.

Everyone thinks he should have moved out! My solicitor has said to move out and take the kids, until he can provide structure and routine, but I'm scared to do that!

Everyone thinks he should have moved out! My solicitor has said to move out and take the kids, until he can provide structure and routine, but I'm scared to do that!

Have you got the financial capacity to do that though?

What is it that scares you about the possibility though? His reaction?
Losing the house to him?
Missing the familiarity of your house?
All of those are valid reasons to fear moving out.

You're prenting solo anyway so that shouldn't be an issue if you did move out. It would force him to do 50/50 and you'd find out immediately that he wouldn't be able to do it.

That would change things for the better for you. If he had the children (supposing you'd moved out) he wouldn't be able to use you as back-up. You just wouldn't be there, and you could ignore any messages or calls.

Everyone thinks he should have moved out! My solicitor has said to move out and take the kids, until he can provide structure and routine, but I'm scared to do that!

I think this would be the best thing you can do. It gives you independence and forces his hand on child care e.g. 50-50. You completely separate your lives and he gets a taste of what he can and cannot do - he would have no sway over what you do, no suffering silences or nasty remarks under his breath.

I think you need to s LL the house op. It's the only way you can completely cut strings. All childcare related talk though the solicitors. Start 50:69 now. If he's not here he needs to pay for childcare. It's the only way.