Page 5 | In shock, should he leave?

CanSeeClearlyNowTheRainHasGone · 26/11/2025 10:09

Ialwaysthoughtitwasadojo · 25/11/2025 12:37

Sorry if this is a bit muddled, I’m honestly in shock. We’d actually been getting on better recently, he was finally making an effort, and then today he suddenly announced he wanted out, and doesn't see a long term future with me.

We’ve been together 12 years, two DC still at home, 7 and 9. The marriage had been hard because he gets incredibly grumpy, makes no effort, but we had been going to therapy and I thought things were getting better. We've just had a wonderful week away together.

So first of all, I'm feeling blind sided, has anyone had this? I feel so torn like I should try and save it. My therapist did say he was emotionally abusive, so I probably need to give my head a wobble. I thought maybe she was over reacting.

Also, he doesn't want to leave. He wants to stay in the house for 6/7 months if needed, whilst we figure things out! I can't do that. I can't pretend we're ok, it will be so much harder to get over! He's the one that wants out and works away all the time, can I ask him to leave? I'm primary carer, pick up all the slack and work from home.

I'll give you an alternative perspective. It may be right, it may be wrong.

He's been trying hard after your therapy. He's been working at it and he's finding it very hard.

You've spent a week together and he worked hard at being nice all week. It was a lot of effort.

After a week of 1:1 with you, he's found it exhausting that this is what he's going to have to do every day, and he's realised he didn't enjoy your company enough to make that worth the level of effort (maybe you have character flaws yourself and he felt you didn't work that hard).

He's realised it won't get better and he's honest with you about it. And he's told you as early as possible rather than plan to leave suddenly sometime in the future, shafting you in the process.

In this alternate reality, he's been fair and honest, and genuinely wants to disentangle as gently as possible, and you want to throw him out of a house he owns half of, presumably while still taking most of his wages. That's going to go badly for you both.

So have a think about which version of reality you think is true. Everyone on here finds it easy to tell you to legal up and eject him. You and DC have to live with the consequences of your actions as well as his (as does he).

Whothought · 26/11/2025 10:14

He’s definitely not as invested in the children as he is making out and disgracefully, is using them to bully you. Please don’t fall for it. You need a personal recommendation for your lawyer. This doesn’t guarantee anything but it’s a start. Use your gut feel when you meet them. Gather as much paperwork/evidence as you can and fire the opening salvo.
Oh, and see if you can do any detective work. Catching him out will only help your case and will no doubt give you resolve.

Original poster

Ialwaysthoughtitwasadojo · 26/11/2025 10:14

CanSeeClearlyNowTheRainHasGone · 26/11/2025 10:09

I'll give you an alternative perspective. It may be right, it may be wrong.

He's been trying hard after your therapy. He's been working at it and he's finding it very hard.

You've spent a week together and he worked hard at being nice all week. It was a lot of effort.

After a week of 1:1 with you, he's found it exhausting that this is what he's going to have to do every day, and he's realised he didn't enjoy your company enough to make that worth the level of effort (maybe you have character flaws yourself and he felt you didn't work that hard).

He's realised it won't get better and he's honest with you about it. And he's told you as early as possible rather than plan to leave suddenly sometime in the future, shafting you in the process.

In this alternate reality, he's been fair and honest, and genuinely wants to disentangle as gently as possible, and you want to throw him out of a house he owns half of, presumably while still taking most of his wages. That's going to go badly for you both.

So have a think about which version of reality you think is true. Everyone on here finds it easy to tell you to legal up and eject him. You and DC have to live with the consequences of your actions as well as his (as does he).

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I can see this perspective, I have thought this.

I think the thing I'm struggling with is how cold and awful he's being to me, my therapist has called him emotionally abusive, so there's a bit more to it. For years he's been grumpy to me. He told me yesterday he felt we still got on and he cared about me, well today he's done a complete 180, and was being really unkind.

I earn more than him sometimes, so I won't be taking all of his wages. I am also not saying I want the house permanently, I literally just need a few weeks breather to start to heal, without him here, trying to chat over dinner!

OP posts:

Whothought · 26/11/2025 10:17

forgot to copy thread

Whothought · 26/11/2025 10:18

CanSeeClearlyNowTheRainHasGone · 26/11/2025 10:09

I'll give you an alternative perspective. It may be right, it may be wrong.

He's been trying hard after your therapy. He's been working at it and he's finding it very hard.

You've spent a week together and he worked hard at being nice all week. It was a lot of effort.

After a week of 1:1 with you, he's found it exhausting that this is what he's going to have to do every day, and he's realised he didn't enjoy your company enough to make that worth the level of effort (maybe you have character flaws yourself and he felt you didn't work that hard).

He's realised it won't get better and he's honest with you about it. And he's told you as early as possible rather than plan to leave suddenly sometime in the future, shafting you in the process.

In this alternate reality, he's been fair and honest, and genuinely wants to disentangle as gently as possible, and you want to throw him out of a house he owns half of, presumably while still taking most of his wages. That's going to go badly for you both.

So have a think about which version of reality you think is true. Everyone on here finds it easy to tell you to legal up and eject him. You and DC have to live with the consequences of your actions as well as his (as does he).

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Yeah right….

WFHforevermore · 26/11/2025 10:18

How do you get someone to leave the house if they refuse though?

Tiswa · 26/11/2025 10:19

I think you need clear separation boundaries and a clear distinct understanding of what it means

I think sadly both staying in the house maybe the only option whilst selling it and I think you need to make it clear that is happening and assets split

legal advice and start yhe divorce process

because @Ialwaysthoughtitwasadojo it sounds as if the issues were him not being present and helping you and treating the house as a hotel whilst he was there? Correct. And this is he way of basically saying I want that to continue but I don’t want to make the effort with you so we are separated

so make it clear what that means - no meals together each responsible for own food/washing etc live together but as separate housemates

boredwfh · 26/11/2025 10:29

just for awareness, I’m a contractor on short term contracts- I can get mortgages easily as long as I can show a history of contracts in same role. I am a landlord & homeowner & never been an issue sometimes getting 2 or 3 remortgages in a year. So do speak to a mortgage broker as you may be surprised that you would be able to buy him out the house.

ilovelamp82 · 26/11/2025 10:30

What kind of relationship do you have with his family? Is it possible to approach them and tell them the situation? Tell them he has broken up with you and that he won't leave and is being unkind. He won't want to leave because it will be harder for him to get back in once he's gone and he knows this, but no court is going to recommend you and the kids leave the house, especially when his presence is so sporadic. I think you need to go down the legal route as soon as possible, while things may be more in your favour in that regard and so you can blindside him a little bit before he can get his ducks in a row.

You have to stop listening to him now. He only has his interests at heart. Not yours or the kids.

Sleepysunrise · 26/11/2025 10:32

All the posters suggesting that OP tell him to leave. He OWNS half the house. You cannot just insist someone leaves. He has every right to be there until a divorce and financial settlement is agreed.
I'm not suggsting it wouldnt be easier if he did but he does not have to and you do not have authority to make him.

Original poster

Ialwaysthoughtitwasadojo · 26/11/2025 10:36

boredwfh · 26/11/2025 10:29

just for awareness, I’m a contractor on short term contracts- I can get mortgages easily as long as I can show a history of contracts in same role. I am a landlord & homeowner & never been an issue sometimes getting 2 or 3 remortgages in a year. So do speak to a mortgage broker as you may be surprised that you would be able to buy him out the house.

Edited

Thank you, I do have a good history of earning good money, it just goes up and down.

OP posts:

CombatBarbie · 26/11/2025 10:37

WFHforevermore · 26/11/2025 10:18

How do you get someone to leave the house if they refuse though?

You get an occupation/mesher order as part of the divorce. Its not a quick fix as although there is emotional abuse, I think from what op has said so far, she wouldnt report.

Op blowing hot and cold is part of the script. Just stop doing anything for him. I would be inclined to make yourself extremely busy on the weekends he is home and leave him with the kids. If hes away more than hes home, this will be his new normal anyway.

I would also get a separation order drafted asap and start claiming maintenance. Doesnt matter if you are still in same house if there is a separation order in place.

Original poster

Ialwaysthoughtitwasadojo · 26/11/2025 10:37

Sleepysunrise · 26/11/2025 10:32

All the posters suggesting that OP tell him to leave. He OWNS half the house. You cannot just insist someone leaves. He has every right to be there until a divorce and financial settlement is agreed.
I'm not suggsting it wouldnt be easier if he did but he does not have to and you do not have authority to make him.

I actually don't mind if he eventually wants this house, I just need some breathing space! We could move out, but He's so unpredictable and cannot commit to any child care I'd like to stay here so they have stability for now. Rather than saying we're breaking up then moving them into a new house. As they are with me most of the time.

OP posts:

Original poster

Ialwaysthoughtitwasadojo · 26/11/2025 10:39

CombatBarbie · 26/11/2025 10:37

You get an occupation/mesher order as part of the divorce. Its not a quick fix as although there is emotional abuse, I think from what op has said so far, she wouldnt report.

Op blowing hot and cold is part of the script. Just stop doing anything for him. I would be inclined to make yourself extremely busy on the weekends he is home and leave him with the kids. If hes away more than hes home, this will be his new normal anyway.

I would also get a separation order drafted asap and start claiming maintenance. Doesnt matter if you are still in same house if there is a separation order in place.

Edited

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Yes and the kids are so used to him being away. I did consider taking them away somewhere this weekend, but he's actually around and I do want them to see him. I could just visit a friend.

OP posts:

Original poster

Ialwaysthoughtitwasadojo · 26/11/2025 10:41

ilovelamp82 · 26/11/2025 10:30

What kind of relationship do you have with his family? Is it possible to approach them and tell them the situation? Tell them he has broken up with you and that he won't leave and is being unkind. He won't want to leave because it will be harder for him to get back in once he's gone and he knows this, but no court is going to recommend you and the kids leave the house, especially when his presence is so sporadic. I think you need to go down the legal route as soon as possible, while things may be more in your favour in that regard and so you can blindside him a little bit before he can get his ducks in a row.

You have to stop listening to him now. He only has his interests at heart. Not yours or the kids.

I could try, they'll definitely take his side, but I guess it's worth a try. I'm surprised none of them have messaged! But hey ho.

OP posts:

TheBroonOneAndTheWhiteOne · 26/11/2025 10:41

@Ialwaysthoughtitwasadojo it's irrelevant about his ability to see the children (with regard to his work patterns) as it's only ever men who have this problem.

Women suck it up and arrange childcare. And that is precisely what your husband will have to do.

Fuck these men and their big, important jobs!

Beaniebobbins · 26/11/2025 10:44

Ialwaysthoughtitwasadojo · 26/11/2025 09:50

Does anyone know a good solicitor?

I would recommend calling a few and picking one that you think will do the best for you.

If house is jointly owned you can't kick him out and being stuck in a house together while you sort out housing is not unusual for separating couples and it sucks.

Currently in a similar situation the advice I've found helpful has been -

do what you would do if he wasn't there - so if I want to take the kids out or have a particular meal or dance around in the kitchen with my kids or anything really I just think what would I do if he wasn't here and do that,
be the person you want to be after it is al over, be a person you can like and respect - I don't need to be nasty or spiteful or childish or seek conflict of have have rows, if he wants to start a row I just walk away from him. I'll do his washing, not because he deserves it but because I am the sort of person who can be kind and helpful even to knobheads
if you feel like curling up on the sofa with a big blanket and watching crap tv then you should definitely, definitely do that

On the childcare being irregular my friend was in a similar situation with her XH having irregular working patterns and being away a lot. They managed - no two weeks were the same but her kids are adults now and both kids have good relationships with both parents. You often hear a lot about 50:50 on MN but there is no onesize fits all, different things will work for different families. You might get some good tips on here but you also hear some things that probably won't work for you too.

One step at a time, take it at your own pace, don't let him bully you or coerce you into anything. If he makes a demand you think is unreasonable or makes you feel angry don't start a row just say I will need some time to consider that and walk away. You can return with a calm and appropriate response at a time that suits you or after you taken some advice. When it comes to negotiating childcare and housing etc don't think about winning think about finding a resolution that works for you and the kids - you don't need to make him miserable to be happy yourself.

It's all really shitty OP and it's not easy and I wish you the best of luck and many happy knobhead free days in the future.

ThatBlackCat · 26/11/2025 10:44

Ialwaysthoughtitwasadojo · 25/11/2025 12:53

@NovemberRedHolly @TwistedWonder It doesn't seem that way at the moment but not out of the question re: another woman!

He is hiding it supremely well if that is the case, but I've seen it enough times on here, the woman says 'no way!", and then months later it all transpires there was someone all along.

We're both quite high earners, so unsure what will happen there, he is away with work A LOT, so regularly custody is going to be really challenging, as no week is the same for his work.

he is away with work A LOT

Of course there is another woman!

The amount of women on here that say their husband "works away" and then act surprised to learn he had an affair.... I just can't...

I honestly believe most men who "work away" have affairs.

CombatBarbie · 26/11/2025 10:45

Op google the script and men wanting divorce. You will start to see the pattern has already started and what to prepare for xx

LiaLemons · 26/11/2025 10:45

So sorry op, he is being absolutely emotionally abusive. Saying he wants to split but not leaving.

'He is hiding it supremely well if that is the case, but I've seen it enough times on here, the woman says 'no way!", and then months later it all transpires there was someone all along.We're both quite high earners, so unsure what will happen there, he is away with work A LOT'

He doesn't need to hide it though, he works away so the inevitable bit on the side will be completely separate to his life with you. Sadly, you need to to snoop. Get on his phone, tablet whatever and present him with evidence to force him to go.

Married men always do this, keep everything secret so the poor spouse is bewildered while they call the shots. Get evidence and get angry, he is taking you for a fool .

ThatBlackCat · 26/11/2025 10:47

Ialwaysthoughtitwasadojo · 25/11/2025 18:27

Thanks @Endofyear it’s jointly owned. The thing is it’s good stability for the kids to keep this house as he’s away a lot. He was away for 15 days in November alone.

If he kept it, it would be empty a lot! He also can’t ever say with regularity when he could have the kids so I don’t know how we’ll make that work.

@GingerPaste I’m going to get legal advice tomorrow, he’s being friendly now but lots of people have warned me about this.

as he’s away a lot. He was away for 15 days in November alone.

He has a double life/another family.

Gettingbysomehow · 26/11/2025 10:48

Ialwaysthoughtitwasadojo · 26/11/2025 09:50

Does anyone know a good solicitor?

Which region of the country do you live in?

Rainbow1901 · 26/11/2025 10:53

OP you have the advantage that he works away from home quite a bit. Hang in there and look forward to your next respite. If he won't move out fully at least you can disappear out while he is home to watch the kids or take them to their activities.
As others have said when he is home don't make his life comfortable. He does his own washing, ironing, meals etc - you can do as you always do look after your children and yourself and get on with your lives without considering him at all.
For now take each day as it comes and deal with it on your terms in whatever way you feel you can deal and live with. You are quite rightly in shock but remember this guy has been abusing you for years with his grumpiness and moods - life will be so much better but it will take a little while to get there.

Inthedeep · 26/11/2025 10:54

@Ialwaysthoughtitwasadojo has he actually told his family? Also does he want the children to know or is this all supposed to be kept a secret for now?

ilovelamp82 · 26/11/2025 10:54

Ialwaysthoughtitwasadojo · 26/11/2025 10:41

I could try, they'll definitely take his side, but I guess it's worth a try. I'm surprised none of them have messaged! But hey ho.

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I bet he hasn't told them. All the more reason to tell them I say.