How do I tell him I don’t fancy him

[ineedhelp37]

However I play this out in my head it’s just horrible and it’ll hurt him.

Dh is 45. He’s always been what I describe as very average build. Hes 5’9/10. We’ve been together 14 years. Over the last few years he’s crept up to about 13.5 stone, has a big tummy and dare I say it, moobs.

He runs now and again and does a couple of half marathons a year. But he has no muscle at all. I sound awful for saying this but I’m not attracted to his body at all. He has lovely eyes and a nice smile but I’m not attracted to him at all.

These are the things I’ve tried:
Downloading The Body Coach app and suggested we do it together. I’m 5’5 and 9 stone so I’m technically ok but I could do with losing a few pounds for my own confidence. He’s not interested.

I’ve tried making comments about myself but really directed at him but he’s not picking up on it.

We’ve not had any intimacy in months and I miss the closeness but as soon as I see him topless I get full “ick”.

What do I do / say??

So you’re not interested in him

He’s not interested in you

It seems very compatible!

Should add, basically I’m attracted to broad chests and muscly/ abs. I hate that I feel this way about my own husband.

Was he ever like that?

where have I said that? He’s hugely interested in me and I reject him.

Not like my exes who were/ are very athletic but he was in much better shape than he is now.

He initiates regularly, I reject him.

Why do you feel you need to tell him? What is it you want from this scenario?

Him to fall castrate at your feet professing his promise to change, getting a gym membership and a six pack and you go off into the sunset on his white horse and have lots of sex?

That wont happen.

So what are you wanting? because he wont profess to change, he wont see the error of his ways and realise he needs to pull out the stops and change his life or lose the very reason for his being (you).

He will be hurt, he will probably get defensive, you'll argue, it'll turn nasty and you'll not achieve anything apart from drivibg a bigger wedge than there is now.

You cant influence how he acts, you can only control how you act or react to any situation.

So what do you want to do?

Your approach sounds a bit controlling and passive aggressive to be honest. Definitely not the way to build intimacy and foster desire!

I think you need to focus on his positives in terms of appearance and personality. If you can’t think of many then this is not just about his looks and it goes deeper.
If the relationship was more flirty and fun then surely the extra pounds wouldn’t make that much difference, it sounds like it’s not just about that to me?

Hinting isn’t working

you’re going to have to be honest and tell him.

maybe you guys should do therapy

I agree. I don’t want to cause hurt but I can’t help the fact I’m not attracted to him.

You don’t have to tell him. He already knows.

If that's how you feel time to call it a day. And find yourself a more hunky guy. If there are any left that is

Wait till your jowls start sagging …..

You mean prostrate at your feet right? Never heard the castrate expression.

i don’t think there’s anything to lose here, especially if this is a delicately put conversation

doing nothing isn’t a viable option. Maybe @ineedhelp37 husband doesn’t realise the situation he’s in?

The passage of life comes for us all.

I can appreciate wanting someone to be healthy and prioritise their well-being and fitness.

Ultimately though, we can all have ideals of what we most find attractive. Is that a realistic option for us in the current day? I’m sure many wives and husbands are lusting after peak fitness, beautiful, youthful bodies, but do the people in possession of those attributes want you?

Can you imagine how it would go down if a man posted on here saying “My wife’s not as slim and toned as she once was. She was never really quite as hot as my previous girlfriends, just average really, and now her boobs are no longer as pert as they were 15 years ago and although she does half marathons she no longer has the flat stomach and thigh-gap I’m attracted to. She would like sex but I reject her. I’ve tried to make her do exercise that she doesn’t enjoy but for some reason she isn’t keen. How can I tell her I’ll never shag her again unless she regains the body of a much younger woman?”

You can't make your husband lose weight or exercise regularly. He has to want to do these things for himself. I'm assuming you eat fairly healthy? Who does more of the cooking? If it's you, then you could cook ultra healthy meals and gradually cut his portion size down. Try and encourage him out for walks etc as much as you can. He's eating too much, of the less healthy foods and not doing enough exercise for the calories he's consuming. Plenty of protein in his diet, as this keeps the body fuller for longer. If none of this works, then you are going to have to be honest, but in a constructive way.

He’s not interested in losing weight/getting fit.

fall castrate at your feet

That would be drastic.

13.5 stone doesn't sound particularly big for a man at that height. And you are a healthy weight yet say you need to lose weight for your confidence.

Personally I think it sounds like you're the one with issues