How do I tell him I don’t fancy him

[ineedhelp37]

However I play this out in my head it’s just horrible and it’ll hurt him.

Dh is 45. He’s always been what I describe as very average build. Hes 5’9/10. We’ve been together 14 years. Over the last few years he’s crept up to about 13.5 stone, has a big tummy and dare I say it, moobs.

He runs now and again and does a couple of half marathons a year. But he has no muscle at all. I sound awful for saying this but I’m not attracted to his body at all. He has lovely eyes and a nice smile but I’m not attracted to him at all.

These are the things I’ve tried:
Downloading The Body Coach app and suggested we do it together. I’m 5’5 and 9 stone so I’m technically ok but I could do with losing a few pounds for my own confidence. He’s not interested.

I’ve tried making comments about myself but really directed at him but he’s not picking up on it.

We’ve not had any intimacy in months and I miss the closeness but as soon as I see him topless I get full “ick”.

What do I do / say??

Is he a small man like 5ft 5 or something because I don’t think 13.5 stone is absolutely massive on an average height man, more a bit chunky. But I don’t like thin men. Either way I think he’s better off without you.

I think you need to stop being so shallow!
He's your husband fgs!
Surely you're attracted to him because of the person he is, the love he shows you, because he makes you laugh,etc?

What happens if he's in an accident and loses a leg?

Could you use your imagination and just picture someone athletic/an ex with your eyes closed?Or find an intimate position where you can't see him?

And my OH has told me I’d benefit from losing weight- I was obese- yeah it was shit, and I had to come to terms with what I needed to do in my own time. Nobody could do it for me.

likewise my OH drank too much, I’d have the same issue with him. He had to make the decision to reduce, and so did I

we got there. He’ll know the truth really, all out of shape/overweight people do.

I did read them. A few so far do say “There’s not much you can do about this, you’re being shallow”. Most just ask more questions. A couple suggest leaving him.

Edit: And someone’s just said “Just fantasise about someone else”.

Omg, you are the female version of a middle aged man trying to date women in their early twenties. I truly believe that when you love someone you fancy them because of the full package and trust me, your body has, and will continue to change.

He has a really sweet tooth. I do all meals myself and try to make them as healthy as possible and buy in lots of fruit healthy snacks etc. He downs 3-4 cans of Pepsi a day, always eats cakes / chocolates etc after dinner and I find it really unattractive

You have 2 choices - tell him and work on it

Or

Tell him and let him go. Let him find someone who does fancy him.

How you feel if you found out he wished his wife looked more like his ex gf.

You want to work on his chest to look more like exes.
What if he wanted you to get a boob job because he really likes this certain look and gosh, gf from 2010 was naturally wonderful in that area. But hey we can work on you.

He’s never asked over the months why you’re not interested in sex?

What was sex like a few months back?

what’s stopping you losing the few pounds extra you’re carrying that you want to lose?

It's dead in the water.

Counselling maybe. Whilst you are not telling him though, he's either comfortably happy or miserably over eating.

All those coming at me, can you honestly say you still find your partner as attractive as you first met 14+ years ago?

I can easily lose 3lbs in a week through little changes. He’s making no changes!!

You cannot leave things to drift as they are. You are rejecting him and he needs to know why.

Tell him that you know it sounds a bit shallow but you are turned off by his moobs and belly - you wish it were otherwise and that you could ignore this, but it is how it is. Tell him that this is why you want to work on weight together.

You owe it to him to be honest.

You don't fancy him and he doesn't want to change. The fairest thing to do is to separate and find yourself a man with toned abs to shag, leaving him to find someone who appreciates him for himself. You sound as shallow as a puddle.

I’m not going to be made to have intimacy I don’t want. I won’t be forced into something when I don’t feel attracted. Our sex life has always been very very infrequent about once a quarter, since the day we met. I’ve always had low libido which he’s always known. But the last time this time around was June. So it’s not massively out of character to reject him, he’s not asked questions.

Has he changed or did he always drink several cans of coke a day and eats cakes/chocolates?

Yes I absolutely do. But attraction for me is about the whole person...not just a fit body.

Pretty bad that you clearly didn't even fancy him when you first met. Why did you continue the relationship and marry him as you've clearly never been attracted to him. Did you have a more active sex life with previous partners??

But you only want sex 4 times a year regardless of how muscley the guy is? Have I got that right?

I admire your honesty and you are being seriously slated for it .Once physical attraction is gone in a relationship it can only last if there's a deep love between you both because then the changes in your bodies won't matter.
It's down to you to know if you love him enough to accept him as he is now or not.

It doesn’t look like he was bothered either if for 14 years he’s had sex once a quarter!

Does it really matter? You only have sex 4 times a year so you're not exactly missing out on anything are you.

Neither I or my DH are as attractive as we were 14+ years ago. I would love him to lose a couple of stone for health reasons and to slim down a bit. I wish my legs were thinner and my boobs were a bit less saggy. But we accept each other as we are.
Instead of rejecting him, why not try having sex with him? Close your eyes and imagine it’s someone else if it helps- you might enjoy it. And a bit of intimacy might help how you feel about the relationship.
Your other option is separation in the hope of finding someone you fancy physically- is it really worth that? You’re the only one who knows if it’s worth taking that chance. And is it really his size that’s the problem, or is the relationship in difficulty anyway and this is a good thing to pin it on when you should be looking at other issues? Hope to manage to work something out.