How do I tell him I don’t fancy him

[ineedhelp37]

However I play this out in my head it’s just horrible and it’ll hurt him.

Dh is 45. He’s always been what I describe as very average build. Hes 5’9/10. We’ve been together 14 years. Over the last few years he’s crept up to about 13.5 stone, has a big tummy and dare I say it, moobs.

He runs now and again and does a couple of half marathons a year. But he has no muscle at all. I sound awful for saying this but I’m not attracted to his body at all. He has lovely eyes and a nice smile but I’m not attracted to him at all.

These are the things I’ve tried:
Downloading The Body Coach app and suggested we do it together. I’m 5’5 and 9 stone so I’m technically ok but I could do with losing a few pounds for my own confidence. He’s not interested.

I’ve tried making comments about myself but really directed at him but he’s not picking up on it.

We’ve not had any intimacy in months and I miss the closeness but as soon as I see him topless I get full “ick”.

What do I do / say??

So this post made me really annoyed op.

Can you not see that he is overlooking something less than ideal (from his perspective) about you; but you still judge him that he doesn't have abs like in your dreams?

One of you is being realistic and one is being unfair.

This 😿

I have some sympatby with OP. My ex is really quite an extreme physical shape; slightly shorter than me, fattish, with very short legs: and a hairy back. Aesthetically, he did not please me. But I still wanted to be married to him because we had so much in common and had good sex for a very long time.
I reckon the OPs sex is not good,that's the issue. She married a carer, sounds like.

Keep going with this, he will feel unwanted and unloved and then resentful and you r marriage will breakdown.

I think you really need to leave him OP.
He’s most probably waiting for that to happen. All that rejection he suffers from you will be a sign to him don’t you think.

There is no kind way of telling him, so word it how you like…blame your illness if you want, or blame his comfort eating, but set the poor man free from your constant rejection.

I’m sure his new life will go well. He sounds like a good, patient, understanding loyal type of man. With integrity. Quite a catch. Good luck to him.

Oof. I hate these threads.

It sounds as if he was never really your bag physically OP and now he’s getting older he’s even further than what you find ideal.

But that’s the thing about life isn’t? You don’t always manage to stay in peak physical condition.

And I don’t just mean weight. As a woman your breasts may not always be perky. You may get a wrinkly face. A flat or saggy arse. If you have kids, your vagina might not be as tight or you might have stretch marks. You might get grey hair, jowls, crepey skin.

How would you feel if your partner rejected you because as you got older, you just weren’t as attractive? It’s the same thing.

Also, it does sound as if you might be hyper critical. He’s barely into the overweight category and you say he runs a couple of half marathons every year. He’s hardly Mr Blobby!

Having said that, you feel how you feel. While it would be great for him to shed a few pounds, he’s not so grossly overweight that it warrants you avoiding all intimacy. If that’s how you feel and there’s no underlying trauma then you probably need to think about your future. It’s not really fair for the poor bloke to be married to someone who will only have sex if he meets very exacting physical standards. Have a think about what you want from a relationship, if you want one at all. You might be happier single.

Looking for a hot man with a broad chest and a six pack even as he gets older, who is also happy to have infrequent sex - and is also kind and loving - that’s a bit of a unicorn OP. No one is saying you should settle for someone you’re not happy with, but sometimes the grass can look greener and you don’t realise what you already have.

I think I would start comfort eating if I was married to someone like you.

This is such a wise post op,

You are asking a lot of the relationship and not necessarily giving back at the same rate. Just being whatever weight it was you said you are doesn't make you an automatic "catch" irrespective of your attitudes and other aspects of the relationship.

You are very focused on a man with great abs etc, but, realistically, at 38 your days of looking your best will end around the corner. You can keep weight under control with focused determination, but that actually tends to put more pressure on other superficial aspects of your appearance as you age. That's just the reality - and it's why relationships really need to be built on so much more.

To be honest the whole thing comes across as a bit immature - and I do agree with @SpidersAreShitheads you should look at some more fundamental features of your relationship before you throw it away over a few kilos.

Do you think you would fancy him more and want to have sex with him more often if he were slimmer and fitter? Or is it likely that you would feel the same about frequency of sex either way?

Poor bloke

I did, and it wont let me edit!!!

🤣🤣🤣

This is sad, bodies change, if the genders were reversed this would hit very differently. Initial attraction in your partner is only to pave the way for love and a bond which lasts through all of the stages of life, your desire for intimacy will always be there if you love them like you should. If you were concerned about his health and wellbeing and this was the reason you wanted to encourage him to be fitter it would be different. With the little info I’ve seen I think this is doomed, you don’t sound very kind

@ineedhelp37

I get it, OP, I am the same. I am not a shallow person by nature at all, however, show me a man with a paunch and those eating habits, I’d massively get the ick too!!

I think you need to have the honest conversation as kindly as possible, but have it.

He does sound like he would benefit from therapy, maybe couples? He’s understanding, but clearly not happy.

If he knew the truth he may actually do something about it. He wants the sex… 🤷‍♀️ Give him the opportunity to at least.

Good luck!

If she tells him his moobs are giving her the ick (which I totally get 🤢) he will be psychologically castrated! Same thing happened with me, when you get the ick the relationship is doomed!

The word ick gives the the ick

Learn to love doggy and crack on, that way you don't have to look at him! 😅

Once you’ve got the ick it’s over unfortunately.

OK, quite the trickle of information there.

It started sounding unfortunate and then went off somewhere…

You are not attracted to your husband because he is slightly overweight and does a couple of half marathons a year. Where as you want a man with broad chest, muscly with abs.

You are 38 in better but not peak fitness condition, have a medical condition where you will want a maximum of sex every three months, no mater how good he looks. So you are only ever going to have a sexless marriage.

A man with visible abs is vanishingly rare, so you are expecting a tiny percentage of the population. For a man to work out to that point he is going to have high testosterone so a high sex drive. For a man in your age range to have visible abs he will likely have chemical assistance to look that way so probably high synthetic testosterone.

You want a very rare very attractive man with a very high sex drive that you will sleep with a maximum of 4 times a year…

You need to split up.

He obviously wants a marriage with an active sex life, something you are unable to offer. You want hens teeth. You could then go and hook up with someone young (20s probably) every three months to meet your level of desire.

You could try offering to allow him to go and seek sex from other women, this may incentivise him to get himself in shape. It may mean that he gets the sex he wants from another woman, you get to have a man making an effort to be sexually attractive. Personally, I think these ideas aren’t ever going to work out but some claim they do.

I think the best thing for him is this to end.

If she is just looking for hook ups she will be ok.

But then he will be off somewhere probably get back in shape for a new woman who is able to have sex with him regularly.

Sounds best to break up and they may both find what they want.

Why don't you tell him? Just say: this is really difficult, but I miss sex with you and hate rejecting you. The truth is - I would be much more easily aroused if you would just work out a bit. It may not be PC of me, but a muscly chest is what really turns me on. I know you could achieve it. Is it worth it to you, in exchange for rejuvenating our sex life?

the things is: this is something he can easily do something about, and it will be beneficial for his health too. Lift a few weights. Feel good about himself. Improve his posture, strength, energy levels. Win win, following a difficult conversation.

if DH said that to me, in a really kindly way and said he adored me, but the extra weight just didn't work physically, I'd be devastated but I'd feel pretty bloody determined to get him drooling within six months.

I think (possibly hope) that this may have been a joke.

Mocking certain internet narratives?

Bollocks. Why is MN SO obsessed with splittingup marriages rather than resolving differences.

The man is unfit. It would be to his benefit if he got fit. And his wife - who wants to desire him - would then desire him again. No need for expensive, stressful divorce when a few weights from Argos solves the problem.

Read the book "I love you but I'm not in love with you." Then get therapy, or split up.