How do I tell him I don’t fancy him

[ineedhelp37]

However I play this out in my head it’s just horrible and it’ll hurt him.

Dh is 45. He’s always been what I describe as very average build. Hes 5’9/10. We’ve been together 14 years. Over the last few years he’s crept up to about 13.5 stone, has a big tummy and dare I say it, moobs.

He runs now and again and does a couple of half marathons a year. But he has no muscle at all. I sound awful for saying this but I’m not attracted to his body at all. He has lovely eyes and a nice smile but I’m not attracted to him at all.

These are the things I’ve tried:
Downloading The Body Coach app and suggested we do it together. I’m 5’5 and 9 stone so I’m technically ok but I could do with losing a few pounds for my own confidence. He’s not interested.

I’ve tried making comments about myself but really directed at him but he’s not picking up on it.

We’ve not had any intimacy in months and I miss the closeness but as soon as I see him topless I get full “ick”.

What do I do / say??

This 👆

My wife had cancer. With all the treatments, she gained weight, lost weight, had hair, had no hair, you get the gist.

To me, she was as beautiful through all of it as she was the day I first saw her.

@ineedhelp37 do you love him? Do you even like him?

Do you want to still be with him?

Do you love him OP?

At 38?! I can assure you that this is decidedly not the case for everyone. DH and I are quite happy with once or twice a day, late 30s and mid 40s.

While no one should be having sex with someone they find unattractive (I wouldn't find my DH attractive if he developed a big belly and moobs either) you already KNEW he wasn't one of these buff muscled gym sorts. Why did you expect him to develop into one? My DH is tall and slim, I wouldn't have married someone small and chubby. Because I like tall slim men who take good care of themselves long term, even in spite of the long term effects of injuries in my DH's case.

He's stuck with you for yonks despite the fact you've barely ever wanted to sleep with him. Now you're going to turn around and say it's his fault you're rejecting him even more - even though you KNEW he wasn't someone who had any inclination to become the next Arnold Schwarzenegger?

By all means tell him why, but this is for you to unpick because you've made some odd choices for someone with such obvious preferences.

Call it a day, find someone hunkier and better looking, let this man find someone less shallow. job done.

Sorry but you sound shallow - and he will pick up that you’re have passive aggressive digs at him too. You might think you’re ‘ok’ eg attractive but making comments/sly digs at your husband isn’t attractive. No one should change to make someone else happy - why should he change just to make you find him attractive.

If he was horribly disfigured in an accident would you think the same way?

This is lovely and exactly what love is!

Dropping hints is exactly opposite of honesty

and I agree with pp she sounds like she relishes in rejecting him

and I do understand because my husband was considerably older than me and his body was unfit to look at

People don't stay the same for their whole lives. If you can't get past it, it's only fair that you tell him so he can decide whether to stay or leave and find someone who will accept him as he is. You'll then be free to find a hunky gym goer who only wants sex 4 times a year.

I get what you are saying, maybe be direct as neither myself or my ex ever actually said to each other "you need to lose weight, that's why I don't want to have much sex with you now".. maybe if OP is direct it might help him to get fit,on the other hand it could cause him to leave her

I think you mean "prostrate". Although perhaps not...

My husband and I have put on weight since we met, but we still love and are attracted to each other.

13 stone is not a big weight for a man, and if he is still running, he is not unfit.

Maybe you have just fallen out of love with your husband?

I've read the thread, and I guess I'm a bit confused about what it is that you want, OP?

It sounds like you've accepted that you have a low libido regardless of partner. So I'm not sure why it matters so much that you find him attractive? By the sounds of it, you could be with the hottest man on earth and still only want sex 4 times a year - which, by the way, I think is actually pretty unusual at 38, so maybe a doctors appointment would be a good idea.

Do you want him to be more attractive because you'd want more sex? Or just because? How is the relationship otherwise? And, yeah, I'm as attracted to my husband as I was 14 years ago, although not in that frantic new relationship energy way, but in a more real way, which, if you're lucky is what NRE settles into.

It doesn't sound like there is anything you do like about him. You miss closeness but only had sex every few months. If you really cannot stand him enough to be 'close' ...him losing weight isn't going to change things.

Set yourself and him free. Split.

Honestly, I do understand no longer fancying someone. I've been there myself.

BUT making it about his body isn't fair. YOU have the issue. Not him. If you only fancy him when he's a hard body, what would you do when he was old and saggy?

No one stays the same as they were when we met them. Not them and not us. A relationship can't be based on appearance, otherwise no relationship would last forever.

Own it as YOUR problem. If your relationship is over, it's not because he's gained a bit of weight. It's because you don't want to be there any more.

What’s the poem about change not changeth love - often read at weddings

that’s what I felt about my husband but I do accept love is different for everyone

This. And accept that he will have a new woman within seconds, if he's a genuinely nice guy. Good men get snapped up. Because the dating pool of nice men is tiny.

I hrtft so I don't know if you've mentioned your age but you're DH is 45. I'm afraid you're going to be very very disappointed if you think you're going to find a man that age or above that you do fancy. Plus if you have no libido it's unlikely to re-appear even if you find a very attractive man, especially as you come out the other side of menopause. No hormones means no libido and not really fancying men. The whole of society is just one big delusion built on hormones.

Perfect time of year to start talking about New Year's Resolutions. Kicking the Pepsi habit would make a difference in no time!

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What will you do when he gets saggy old man boobs?

I honestly think some people just don't understand how love really works. ' Love is not love. Which alters when it alteration finds.'

TBF, I am not capable of permanent marital love. But I wouldn't blame my inability to commit on someone else's lack of physical attraction.

I’m in the same boat OP. When we met, DH did sport 4-5 days a week, we met playing the same one and were very active together for 10+ years. Last 6-7 years he has turned into a total couch potato but I am still very active. I’ve always been slim and now am in better shape than when we met. He has put on a stone and is soft and squishy. I think for me part of the ick is the total lifestyle change for him.

Then I will be a saggy old woman, so I won't much care.

As it stands, I'm not. Just as I've stuck with him through a life changing accident that has him using a walking cane, with his leg and hip covered in scars, I'll stick with him as life changes him (and love him more every day). Not bad food and exercise choices.

You have the ick. If he developed a six pack overnight you still wouldn’t fancy him. You don’t have sex. This marriage is hanging on by a thread as it is. Just split up and give both of you the chance to people who will make you happy.

Yes, yes I do! 16 years later…

not judging you as you like what you like, but you should never have settled for someone that didn’t have the dream body that you’re attracted to.