How do I tell him I don’t fancy him

[ineedhelp37]

However I play this out in my head it’s just horrible and it’ll hurt him.

Dh is 45. He’s always been what I describe as very average build. Hes 5’9/10. We’ve been together 14 years. Over the last few years he’s crept up to about 13.5 stone, has a big tummy and dare I say it, moobs.

He runs now and again and does a couple of half marathons a year. But he has no muscle at all. I sound awful for saying this but I’m not attracted to his body at all. He has lovely eyes and a nice smile but I’m not attracted to him at all.

These are the things I’ve tried:
Downloading The Body Coach app and suggested we do it together. I’m 5’5 and 9 stone so I’m technically ok but I could do with losing a few pounds for my own confidence. He’s not interested.

I’ve tried making comments about myself but really directed at him but he’s not picking up on it.

We’ve not had any intimacy in months and I miss the closeness but as soon as I see him topless I get full “ick”.

What do I do / say??

Sounds like a pretty miserable existence for you both. People often turn to sweet food when they're down. Id call it a day

I think what many of us are trying to discover is - has DH always been a sugar/fat eater and a non exerciser?

If so, why did you marry him?

If not, is he miserable in the marriage? Is that why he is eating so much?

I think the making no effort part is also a big turn off

OP you were always going to get a hard time on here, but you're just being honest and like you say, you can't control what turns you on. For what it's worth I find flabbiness really unattractive too, and when my husband was quite overweight for a few years I did stop fancying him. He's lost it all now and is actually slimmer than when I first met him, and I do fancy him a lot more - call me shallow, but that's just what I like. It's partly about the excess weight, but I'm attracted to people who take care of their bodies and their health.

I never told him how I felt though, and he didn't lose the weight for me - he was entirely self-motivated to do it for health reasons. If your husband isn't bothered about that then I'm not sure what you can do, but maybe it's worth trying some straight talking. Yes he'll probably be hurt but I'm not sure what your alternative is at this stage.

Yes I had very very healthy sex life with my ex. Unfortunately our relationship ended due to him moving overseas for work and I was still at university.

after that I got ill with a rare autoimmune condition and the medications affected my libido.

This is bonkers. 13.5 stone at 5' 10" is a BMI of around 27. He's just about in the overweight category, nowhere near fat.

He runs half-marathons.

You might be able to find a feller in better nick at 45, OP, but the odds are you won't.

Is there anything you like about your husband op?

Has your dh ever expressed unhappiness about once a quarter sex from day 1?

Thank you to those being kind and understanding. I appreciate your time in responding.

Unless was muscley and had abs I wouldn't feel comfortable telling someone else they will only be attractive to me if they had those specific physical attributes.

Especially one most people, even if healthy, don't actually have. Because it takes a lot of effort to get a six pack. You're not just born with it or it stays there if you drop your two hours plus a day gym sessions.

No effort? he runs half marathons. it's in the OP.

As many people on here know, keeping weight off can be incredibly difficult as you age and your metabolism slows down.

Yes of course. Lots. But he knows it’s the longstanding effects of a serious illness. He’s always known me this way it’s not like he had it on a plate and then it vanished.

So if you got together with your dream boat, it’s very likely that you wouldn’t fancy much sex op

Have you had your head turned by someone in your real life op? A colleague, someone you see socially?

There's not a huge difference between sex once every three months or no sex at all imo. Even if he suddenly lost loads of weight and hit the gym, things won't be drastically different will they? Truthfully I think you just don't want sex...which is fine and your choice entirely. But you should stop blaming your husband who sounds like a pretty average guy rather than morbidly obese

Fgs. He doesn't have an issue. He's fractionally overweight. If he has an issue, then so do probably 70%+ of people his age.

This isn’t all about sex!! Can’t I find him unattractive without it being related to sex?

Well, obviously MN would erupt. However ....

... @ineedhelp37 has posted an honest question that she needs help with. I don't think an easy, straightforward answer exists, but that doesn't mean the question shouldn't be asked.

I honestly don't know what to suggest. Not in any way to derail the thread - I'm male in a sexless marriage. Is it because my wife finds me unattractive? I've no idea. If that were the reason, would I want to know? YES! Because the alternative is living a lie.

So - if my wife said to me, "The reason we don't have sex is because I find you unattractive," my reaction would be firstly to clarify what it is about me that is unattractive to her (note I don't say "isn't attractive"), then to decide whether I could do anything about that, whether I want to, and whether I think it'll be worth the bother - because, after all that work, it may turn out it wasn't my body that was unattractive.

If we decided there was no way forward sexually, then we'd have to decide what to do. This could be divorce, an open marriage (not a great prospect for an unattractive 45-year old (or in my case, 5x-year old) male), or - we carry on living together, celibate, sharing the house or doing our own thing.

I should add - I've had years to come to terms with my sexless state and I've been through every possible option, so being told I'm unattractive probably wouldn't bother me as much as it would some.

The big danger is doing nothing. Resentment and bitterness will build, probably on both sides. This is a waste of two lives.

The OP could have therapy on the basis that this is unlikely to fix the problem, but may open up a path to her that she presently can't see.

This is baffling.

You want him to lose weight so he can have sex 4 times a year?

He's max about a stone overweight for his height.

If you were to split and look for other partners, I think your sex drive will cause far more issues than his weight.

Be honest, it's unlikely that you've ever really loved or been attracted to this man ever. If you did 4 times a year wouldn't be enough and a stone overweight wouldn't be that big issue as the underlying connection would be enough.

Yes I do
in fact he looks even better than he did when we first met over 20 years ago
and if I’m honest I look better as well ( IMO)
We have always had a very healthy sex life and genuinely enjoy each other company

Putting so much emphasis on appearance comes across as you being very shallow and vain.

13.5 stone for a 5.10 man is a good weight.

You’re not compatible. You need to find a vain man, and he needs to find a warm woman who isn’t shallow.