How do I tell him I don’t fancy him

[ineedhelp37]

However I play this out in my head it’s just horrible and it’ll hurt him.

Dh is 45. He’s always been what I describe as very average build. Hes 5’9/10. We’ve been together 14 years. Over the last few years he’s crept up to about 13.5 stone, has a big tummy and dare I say it, moobs.

He runs now and again and does a couple of half marathons a year. But he has no muscle at all. I sound awful for saying this but I’m not attracted to his body at all. He has lovely eyes and a nice smile but I’m not attracted to him at all.

These are the things I’ve tried:
Downloading The Body Coach app and suggested we do it together. I’m 5’5 and 9 stone so I’m technically ok but I could do with losing a few pounds for my own confidence. He’s not interested.

I’ve tried making comments about myself but really directed at him but he’s not picking up on it.

We’ve not had any intimacy in months and I miss the closeness but as soon as I see him topless I get full “ick”.

What do I do / say??

You’re hard as nails @Blueandred1

would you be this harsh if a friend was asking you the same question?

We’ve not had any intimacy in months and I miss the closeness but as soon as I see him topless I get full “ick”.

but you said that… that’s not baking cookies is it? 🤔

What is your actual reason for wanting him to change then OP? You don't need to be attracted to him do you. Physical intimacy is extremely lacking in your relationship anyway so what actual difference would it make to you?

I’m 38 fgs. Not 28. Anyone’s sex drive at my age will be lessening and that’s without health issues.

I don’t really get it
4 times a year is a sexless marriage by all accounts
you were always in a sexless marriage from the start if you were only ever having sex 4 times a year

your not that bothered about sex anyway
so what is the problem if you don’t have sex

Blimey, DH is just over 6 foot tall and he's around 13 stone. He has a bit of a tummy these days (34" waist) but the rest of him (arms and legs) are incredibly slim - I jokingly call him KFC because of his chicken legs. Someone of 13.5 stone isn't massively overweight OP, I think you're clutching at straws here.

OP has had her head turned..

My husband has changed shape over 13 years, I still love him for the man he is, because my love for him is more than abs and healthy eating.

To be honest I think it’s valid to end things if you’re not attracted to someone. Marriage is an intimate, sexual relationship and you’re not supposed to be able to get those needs met elsewhere aside from your spouse.

But I do just think, what’s the point of this thread? You’ve surely already considered ending things. Are you just posting for validation or for someone to change your mind or something? It’s a fairly straightforward issue with a logical conclusion?

🙄 having some upper body muscle isn't 'having the body of a much younger man'. Lack of muscle isn't the same as droopy breasts because it's something within a man's control. Honestly it doesn't take a lot for a man to develop some muscle, even in their 40s, so there's really nothing hateful about wanting your male partner to look strong and muscular to an extent. Both men and women are allowed to find unhealthy bodies less sexually attractive, even if it's your long term partner.

So? What rule book is that breaking?

38 is hardly ancient.

I hate when people say ..could this be perimenopause but now l am saying it. If you are around your dhs age it could be possible. Its very common to feel no attraction to your partner as your hormones are changing.

If you are being 100% honest with yourself have you ever really fancied him? I mean like in the first few months of a new relationship where you can’t keep hands off each other? I suspect possibly not. I think the moobs and lack of exercise you are attributing too much weight to (no pun intended). Do you really think you are going to suddenly fancy him if he lost a bit of weight and gained some pecs?

I had a long term relationship where I just didn’t fancy the person - nothing he could have done would would have changed that even though I desperately wanted to fancy him because I loved him - just not in that way. Something in my body was repulsed and I don’t know why - chemicals and pheromones possibly.

You’re going to get a rough ride on here OP. I feel a bit differently to most. It’s not your fault you don’t fancy him anymore, lord knows women have been held to ridiculous standards for daring to put on weight after marriage haven’t they? Also, for all we know your husband may be inclined to go off you if you weee to gain weight, we don’t know do we?

There isn’t really much you can do is there? You could tell him but obviously it would hurt him, maybe it’s worth it to save the marriage. He was never really muscular before by the sounds of it so he doesn’t seem to have much interest in having muscles. Even if he were to lose some weight he wouldn’t develop massively defined muscles without doing weights. I think you’ll have to decide whether to stay and try and get the spark back or to separate - sorry. You both deserve to be with someone you fancy. Looks do fade though, something to consider if your husband is a good husband.

I hope this doesn’t offend you but when I don’t feel particularly in the mood I watch something a bit ‘spicy’ and that helps and I do then enjoy myself but we shouldn’t really have to do that should we? Bit of a sticking plaster. Me and a friend have this convo regularly, how do you know if you would actually want to rip someone else’s clothes off after 10 years say? It’s a tricky situation but I don’t think you’re wrong for feeling this way.

Why do you care so much? Is there a rule book that states how much one should have sex? Or is it personal choice? You do you.

She said he's got no muscle so he will look flabby and unhealthy at that weight. OP weighs 9 stone, she's not overweight. It's allowed to find unhealthy bodies less sexually attractive.

Are you attracted to men you see in your real world @ineedhelp37?

Not celebrities/media people, but men you come across.

Have you got a low libido because of, or regardless of, your dh?

Thank you!