How do I tell him I don’t fancy him

[ineedhelp37]

However I play this out in my head it’s just horrible and it’ll hurt him.

Dh is 45. He’s always been what I describe as very average build. Hes 5’9/10. We’ve been together 14 years. Over the last few years he’s crept up to about 13.5 stone, has a big tummy and dare I say it, moobs.

He runs now and again and does a couple of half marathons a year. But he has no muscle at all. I sound awful for saying this but I’m not attracted to his body at all. He has lovely eyes and a nice smile but I’m not attracted to him at all.

These are the things I’ve tried:
Downloading The Body Coach app and suggested we do it together. I’m 5’5 and 9 stone so I’m technically ok but I could do with losing a few pounds for my own confidence. He’s not interested.

I’ve tried making comments about myself but really directed at him but he’s not picking up on it.

We’ve not had any intimacy in months and I miss the closeness but as soon as I see him topless I get full “ick”.

What do I do / say??

He is unfit and could get fitter, but he has chosen not too.

His wife’s standards are not for an reasonably fit 45 year old. A quick google tells me that 1-2% of men have viable abs, that is 0.004% for over 35s. 1 in 25’000. She is not asking for anything reasonable, but she is offering a sexless marriage. The men OP wants would have a very high sex drive, she will only have sex 4 times a year.

Now for a small number of people they are happy in a sexless marriage, however clearly that is neither partner here. She is looking for statues of Greek gods, he is looking for someone who would like to have sex with him (probably a lot more beside but we don’t know).

There are plenty of occasions where people rush to “LTB” but this is not one. She has a thing about her ex. He either is happy as he is (which she doesn’t like), or he would only be willing to make the fitness effort for a situation that she can never be part of (a regular sex life).

They sound like they could be good friends if they broke up, but they don’t sound compatible.

As I said above some people would suggest some kind of open relationship thing (I know one person who does) but I think they tend to end badly. Best answer to end it as well as you can to retain the friendship.

I am actually wondering op if in fact you are using the ab fantasy as a subconscious cover for just not wanting the sex (full stop, with anyone).

You have mentioned your illness/medication affects sex drive.

It isn't uncommon for women to develop crushes on men who are unavailable: it kind of feeds a desire for romantic and sexual thoughts, but without the ability to do anything about it IRL.

I realise you aren't crushing on any particular Greek-God-like middle-aged men who want a 38 year old woman who isn't into sex, but that's because hardly if any exist I'm not sure that isn't a kind of fantasy substitute for a crush on a real person you know has zero chance of going anywhere.

Maybe think hard about this.