Almost made a mistake and being almost threatened

[Brou]

I will absolutely admit I have not behaved impeccably. I should have shut things down far sooner.

We have had someone working on our home for a month or so. I am without question physically attracted to him. But I have never cheated in my life. I just don’t have that side to me.

Usually I’m quite reserved so that sort of stops me from growing too close to acquaintances. But there was something very disarming and friendly about this person and we became much more friendlier than is the norm for me in these situations. I should have just kept my distance. But by no means have I been flirting or anything.

Somewhat recently we became very close to kissing. I mean I was actual millimetres from his face. But I have a happy marriage and a good husband. So I shut the things down and said something along the lines of this was a mistake. We did not touch.

I thought I would just avoid this individual but the other day he asked if we could talk. I thought we could be adults and say something like “look we got carried away before anything stupid happened”. And that would be it.

But in a bit of a non sequitur he said “how would your husband feel that you almost kissed another man in his home”. He said it in a very disturbing tone. Very much a power play.

I feel absolutely sick to my stomach. I really can’t stand the idea of this person playing games. He’s still got several more weeks left. I’ve been going into the office so I can avoid seeing him.

I shared this with my sister and she is adamant I absolutely should not confess anything to dh. Just to keep my head down and “ignore the prick who is bored”. Sister said I should stop the work but I’m scared he will properly start blackmailing me.

I obviously made a mistake but stopped myself. I really am torn. Should I just own up?

I have a very lovely and reasonable husband. But it really was nothing. We weren’t flirting for weeks or anything (not my nature).

I haven’t eaten properly since. What is the least bad option?

I have no idea how far this person would take things.

Everyone , no matter how happy their relationship gets attracted physically to other people.
Just make sure you don't act on it, see them as little as possible and, if nothing happened don't tell DH- I know it seems like it would feel good to confess, but that is a selfish impulse.
I would also point out the bloke you almost kissed is a manipulative dickhead-you are well out of it , don't see or speak to him again, he has nothing to blackmail you with-leave it.

You havent done anything wrong. You need to shut down anything he says and tell him he has misread the signals and you find his behaviour embarrassing and unprofessional. Dont let him guilt trip you.

There is such a big difference between doing something wrong and almost doing something wrong. We don't convict people for nearly hitting, or thinking about hitting other people.

Most ridiculous thing I've heard. Of course we convict people for nearly doing something (example: carrying knives, or attempted murder).

Can't believe the comments on here, imo extremely pathetic. She was chatty, friendly (and possibly flirty) BECAUSE she found him attractive to the point of being "millimeters from kissing"..how is this "doing nothing wrong?!"

Good to know that a man at work can spend lunchtimes with a female colleague because he finds her attractive..being friendly and chatty, and nearly kissing. But as long as he pulls away at the last moment, he's "done nothing wrong".

She's never explained what actually happened the moments leading up to this, did he say "you have beautiful eyes", her blushing and saying "you really think so?"..as he moves closer...etc etc.

Nothing actually happened so you have nothing to feel guilty for & nothing for this prick to blackmail you with. Stay out of his way as much as possible & if he mentions it again call his bluff & say 'what is there to tell my DH, that I Pied you when you tried it on? Get over yourself & grow up' Don't let him see you're worried as this will give him power over you & that's the last thing you want. If it does come out at all let your DH know that yes you found this guy attractive & you felt he was getting to close for comfort but you dealt with it by knocking him back & that was the end of it. Make sure though that this creep tried to make out it was something more & that you put him in his place when he sort of threatened to tell your DH.

Do not mention anything to your husband at all. Why would you? Nothing happened. If the builder tells your husband just act clueless and meanwhile avoid being around the builder.

You’re sorry it got to that place - there are some very judgemental people on here. Don’t tell your husband as it will put a doubt in him that he may never lose and thats not fair on either of you for a miss-step that came to nothing . Avoid being in the house while the work is being done and if your husband notices just say that you finding it more intrusive than you expected to have a man in the house and you feel he’s too chatty. - then leave it at that . You sound like you’ve put yourself through it with this, so a lesson learned, but we are all only human and he’s not going to be there forever. Be brave and front it out .

Right back at him: How would my husband feel about me NOT kissing a workman who tried it on in our house? I imagine he'd be really glad I have boundaries and morals and that I love him so much. Might not be so happy about employing on a creepy chancer. I dunno. Shall I ask him?

Agree.

It’s not clear that attraction was the reason why she was chatty and friendly. But yes, you’re clearly happy to blame someone for another person’s unpleasant behaviour towards them, so we obviously do have different ‘red lines’. I wonder if you also ask what victims of sexual assault were wearing.

As far as I can see only one pp has pointed out that this man is dangerous. I agree. Op you should not approach him alone as some have suggested. Make sure that from now on your husband interacts with him
not you. I can’t decide how much you should tell your husband. I think this man is highly manipulative and you succumbed to it. It has probably happened before. He is controlling and loves the power.

It’s amazing isn’t it

woman flirts, gets close to and almost kisses another man and almost the whole thread is full of “you did nothing wrong” “lie to your husband” “get the other man in trouble”.

its almost like bad behaviour from women is condoned…

A man almost hitting someone but then controlling himself would absolutely be called violent, nasty, guaranteed to hit the next time an absolutely in the wrong.

a man almost kissing someone would be told it was their fault, they were wrong and the build up was an emotional affair.

Actually, reflecting on this and a PP's reply, I have changed my mind on the 'almost' thing.

I do maintain (man or woman) that almost kissing someone is bad, but in the grand scheme of life is not a mortal sin. I also take the OP's word for it that there was no build up, it was just a single moment where she (almost) got carried away. The long and the short of it is that nothing actually happened.

I genuinely would not want to know if my husband did this, it would never happen again and there was no way I'd find out (i.e. it wasn't with a friend who might confess one day).

Give the posted said "BECAUSE I was attracted to him".. I guess you now take back everything you said??

And it happens a lot.
I agree with you.
I do believe women cheat more than men.
Turn on the water works blame everyone else and lie.
Op is as much to blame as the builder is.

From the OP:

I am without question physically attracted to him. But I have never cheated in my life. I just don’t have that side to me.
Usually I’m quite reserved so that sort of stops me from growing too close to acquaintances. But there was something very disarming and friendly about this person and we became much more friendlier than is the norm for me in these situations. I should have just kept my distance. But by no means have I been flirting

So, are YOU going to take back what you said?

I think that you pretend this guy doesn't exist. Avoid him. He' acted really friendly, then tried it on with you and tried to kiss you and you stopped him and you just want him to get the job finished and fuck off now.

I doubt he's going to tell your husband. Why would he risk that for something that was a total non starter.

Is that what you read? That he tried it on with her and she stopped him?

suggest you read the op’s posts again

What does this guy want from you? Money? Or is it a power trip?

They both played a part in it.
Not just one to blame but when it came to the crunch she saw the light.
But it's all his fault obviously.

Are we reading the same thing?!

"I am without question physically attracted to him...there was something very disarming and friendly about this person and we became much more friendlier than is the norm... I should have just kept my distance."

Plus she purposefully avoided explaining how their lips came to be millimeters apart!! Did he lunge at her, did he trip, or was it something akin to:

Builder:" You're very beautiful"
Wife: "You really think so?"
Builder: "Yes, with a lovely smile" (as he walks towards her, moving their faces closer)
Wife: "We can't do this" (butterflies in her stomach, her heart beating faster..as their lips inch closer together)
Wife: "No!! We can't do this!" (pulling away)

Some version of the above scenario must have happened for their faces to be millimeters apart!! You are purposely omitting that fact. But I don't expect you to back down..

I have a very different image in my head to the one I think you have @pocketpairs

OP describes herself as quite quiet and not flirty, she says she never flirts and didn’t on this occasion. I read her words as she was friendly to this man because he was friendly and “disarming”- that sounds led by him and that she’s friendly in spite of herself.

There are some people with massive charisma who can manipulate a situation to their advantage and if you aren’t a confident person, the power imbalance between a charismatic man and a less confident, less outgoing, less experienced woman could lead up to a situation where he tried it on. It reminds me of me when I was much younger and there was an older man at work. I was powerless to say no. So maybe I am applying that experience inappropriately, I guess we won’t know, but it’s interesting how we can interpret the same paragraphs very differently.

Maybe I'm reading it wrong, and maybe he was manipulative. He certainly was creepy and slimy when he got rejected.

The other side of the argument is that a person usually know when someone is or has an interest in them, and the OP said she was attracted to him..maybe be sensed this and made a move.

Regardless, maybe she uses this as a learning experience.

Personally I would tell your husband everything. I would simply not allow this bad actor to have even a slip of leverage over me or my husband. I would own my part, getting along too well, and admit you can see how it was perceived as flirtatious. However your personal space was violated, you pulled away and then you were threatened. He needs to know who is in his house.