Almost made a mistake and being almost threatened

[Brou]

I will absolutely admit I have not behaved impeccably. I should have shut things down far sooner.

We have had someone working on our home for a month or so. I am without question physically attracted to him. But I have never cheated in my life. I just don’t have that side to me.

Usually I’m quite reserved so that sort of stops me from growing too close to acquaintances. But there was something very disarming and friendly about this person and we became much more friendlier than is the norm for me in these situations. I should have just kept my distance. But by no means have I been flirting or anything.

Somewhat recently we became very close to kissing. I mean I was actual millimetres from his face. But I have a happy marriage and a good husband. So I shut the things down and said something along the lines of this was a mistake. We did not touch.

I thought I would just avoid this individual but the other day he asked if we could talk. I thought we could be adults and say something like “look we got carried away before anything stupid happened”. And that would be it.

But in a bit of a non sequitur he said “how would your husband feel that you almost kissed another man in his home”. He said it in a very disturbing tone. Very much a power play.

I feel absolutely sick to my stomach. I really can’t stand the idea of this person playing games. He’s still got several more weeks left. I’ve been going into the office so I can avoid seeing him.

I shared this with my sister and she is adamant I absolutely should not confess anything to dh. Just to keep my head down and “ignore the prick who is bored”. Sister said I should stop the work but I’m scared he will properly start blackmailing me.

I obviously made a mistake but stopped myself. I really am torn. Should I just own up?

I have a very lovely and reasonable husband. But it really was nothing. We weren’t flirting for weeks or anything (not my nature).

I haven’t eaten properly since. What is the least bad option?

I have no idea how far this person would take things.

This!
You have done absolutely nothing wrong OP

Agree with this.

No it could be that he moved his face smoothly mm from her face as she froze which is why they ended up like that. I could easily imagine someone is attractive but I’m not flirting. Just being friendly. And then they move in towards me and I freeze. It’s that overwhelm brain freeze confusion moment. Then do what OP did and pull away quickly once the brain clicks into gear

I don't know, it's not like there was a long emotional affair, texting etc. Taking OP at face value, it was 'almost made a mistake, but didn't'. It's not great but either gender is not exactly a hangable offence.

OP - in your shoes, if he ever says anything again, I think I'd say explicitly 'are you threatening me?'

Not helpful advice but OP have you seen the episodes of Motherland with Gary the plumber? Seems it’s not an uncommon scenario to have a crush.

OP does this man have a wife/girlfriend? If so your answer to him is, ‘does your wife/girlfriend know you behave like this?’ Also, bear in mind that he probably gets a lot of his work via recommendations or reviews. You’re unlikely to give him good feedback are you!

I doubt he'll say anything. If he does you can just say you've been staying away as you thought he liked you, which is true. You're the one who shut it down and stopped it and you didn't flirt. Some men get nasty if they feel scorned by a woman.

Id ignore him.

If he says anything to DH.

Oh I didnt tell you because it thought it would cause bother and we just need the work done. A few days when I was talking to him, he leaned in like he was going to kiss me or maybe he wasnt but he was abit close for comfort. I asked him to back up, and tried to brush it off because I was embarrassed he seemed to have misinterpreted the situation. Ive felt a bit uncomfortable since so been working in the office a bit more. Sorry I didnt tell you, it really wasnt a big thing I just didnt want to give him the wrong impression again.

But tbh i dont think he will, because he might get kicked of the job and he will want to be paid more than he wants to kiss you. I think hes just embarrassed he didnt get a kiss.

What a creep. I'm sure you're not attracted to him anymore. He's a sexist prick.

It's just as much your house as it is your husband's. And how would your husband feel that the builder tried to kiss HIS wife in HER own home?!

Just ignore him from now on except to talk about his work.

You didn't touch him. Thank fuck. He's clearly a wrong 'un who probably tries it on with clients all the time.

Obviously don't ever use him again. And warn your female friends against him.

If you were just being friendly, tell your husband that. Tell him the workman took it the wrong way, seemed to take that as a signal and made a move on you. Tell him you are now having to avoidil the workman. That way, you've not lied and you've taken all the power away from the workman.

Reading this thread I think he very much has unsettled you.

My guess - and I acknowledge that it is just a guess - is that he has been manipulating you. Some people can do this and even the strongest person can find themselves succumbing to someone like this. How much more work does he have to do on your home? I would make sure that you are never alone with him. Your sister is right, he is a prick. I would contrive to have her present with you if possible if you have to be on your own with him. But be clear with her that she mustn't interact with him or let on that she knows because she sounds like she would let him have what for and I'm not sure that would be a good thing.

You really have done nothing wrong. He almost had you but you broke out of whatever was going on. Good for you. Your husband doesn't have to know about this because nothing happened. Try not to be afraid. Your fear is just another sign that this person is really not OK and it will be good when he is out of your lives for good.

@Brou I bet he does this over and over. I wonder to what end though. If it's really sinister, you will know at the end when he wants the final payment.

@Brou i came here to say this. These players will do this sort of thing- then they think they can do what they like. You shut it down, he wants his power play and is chancing his arm again- you’re right to identify the power play. Your sister’s right- he manipulated you into a situation in which you were vulnerable. Now he thinks he can frighten you into giving him something you don’t want him to have. He’s a nasty bastard.

I'd tell my husband this prick tried to kiss me and sack him on the spot. You hit him first before he hits you. Blackmailers deserve all they get.

I disagree.

OP is as just as much to blame here and it’s unfair blaming the workman when OP was flirting with him and giving him all the signals.

She either needs to tell DH the truth and be honest about her part in it or don’t say anything.

You are suggesting coming up with a whole new lie, which is pointless because it’s still a lie and it’s unfair on the workman.

If anything, you’ve got more power over this man. You could spread the word, get him a detailed bad review, etc. He stands to lose far more than you.

This

DO NOT tell him, honestly, it was nothing

What a psycho though, maybe you can have your sister there with you when he is?? xx

OP says she wasn't flirting. Obviously, we only have her side of the story- which is why I said 'if' she was just being friendly. Sometimes people don't know what signals they're sending. Sometimes people misunderstand others.

Sorry but he would not be in my house for one more second after trying to blackmail me.

“By no means have I been flirting.”

”Somewhat recently we became very close to kissing. I mean I was actual millimetres from his face.”

How does that happen? It’s such a leap.

I think you're being very careful about the details you're sharing on this post OP.

Several people have now asked you how you ended up with your face millimetres from his, yet you have apparently never flirted with him.

I'm not trying to give you a hard time - you've done nothing wrong really. It obviously wasn't an ideal situation to get yourself into and even if you don't want to discuss that here, you have to ask yourself why you let it get to that point. However, you stopped it in time and that's the main thing.

But the thing is, we're all giving you advice based on very few details, with the important information left out. The fact you won't tell anyone what actually happened suggests there's maybe a bit more to this than you want to admit, even if you didn't actually kiss.

FWIW, I think it's a good idea to lay the groundwork with your DH. I would say that you initially thought the builder was really friendly and nice, but you think he's misinterpreted your friendliness as something else, and now he's making you feel a bit uncomfortable. You don't need to tell your DH that something nearly happened.

Nothing would be achieved by telling your DH. Trust could be undermined and have long-lasting effects, and for what? A sleazy builder who thought he could get his end away with his latest client. I would lay money on the fact he pulls this shit all the time.

Very gently, OP, I think it is guilt - perhaps uncalled for - that is tempting you to unload on your DH.

It sounds like there may have been some chemistry (or not) then perhaps you were caught by surprise and pulled back. Good! You didn’t do anything wrong, or at least you haven’t mentioned it. So why would you burden DH? Just think how you would feel if the situation were reversed.

I agree that very likely the guy is just trying to make you uncomfortable because you pulled back - he is sleazy. Live with it and be more aware about keeping a bit of distance next time.

I don’t mean to sound harsh. Those of us in male dominated professions have a certain amount of experience with this. Best wishes

OP - it’s nothing. Just a bit of fun. Nothing happened. Forget about it and tell no one.

A lady friend of mine once shagged her builder. I enjoyed hearing the story, but considered her to have done the wrong thing, as the bloody bloke didn’t even give her a discount on the bill! 😃

If you came close to kissing, it was flirting, and you know it. You were attracted to him and wanted to see how far you could go without crossing the line. Now you know.