Almost made a mistake and being almost threatened

[Brou]

I will absolutely admit I have not behaved impeccably. I should have shut things down far sooner.

We have had someone working on our home for a month or so. I am without question physically attracted to him. But I have never cheated in my life. I just don’t have that side to me.

Usually I’m quite reserved so that sort of stops me from growing too close to acquaintances. But there was something very disarming and friendly about this person and we became much more friendlier than is the norm for me in these situations. I should have just kept my distance. But by no means have I been flirting or anything.

Somewhat recently we became very close to kissing. I mean I was actual millimetres from his face. But I have a happy marriage and a good husband. So I shut the things down and said something along the lines of this was a mistake. We did not touch.

I thought I would just avoid this individual but the other day he asked if we could talk. I thought we could be adults and say something like “look we got carried away before anything stupid happened”. And that would be it.

But in a bit of a non sequitur he said “how would your husband feel that you almost kissed another man in his home”. He said it in a very disturbing tone. Very much a power play.

I feel absolutely sick to my stomach. I really can’t stand the idea of this person playing games. He’s still got several more weeks left. I’ve been going into the office so I can avoid seeing him.

I shared this with my sister and she is adamant I absolutely should not confess anything to dh. Just to keep my head down and “ignore the prick who is bored”. Sister said I should stop the work but I’m scared he will properly start blackmailing me.

I obviously made a mistake but stopped myself. I really am torn. Should I just own up?

I have a very lovely and reasonable husband. But it really was nothing. We weren’t flirting for weeks or anything (not my nature).

I haven’t eaten properly since. What is the least bad option?

I have no idea how far this person would take things.

Is it fuck unfair on him- he’s threatening her. He deserves nothing. No consideration whatsoever. Who knows how many women he’s seduced before- he’s just pissed off because this one showed some integrity before it was too late.

There are so many "buts" in the OP I practically have whiplash.

Just repeat to the builder that nothing happened. You don’t care for his threats and will report him to the police if he continues.

I’d do what PP said and if anything is said, say one day he got right in your face and you didn’t say anything because you froze and feel bad that you didn’t instinctively move away fast enough. I’d be worried he might try and put the price up and blackmail you. If he tries, tell him you’re going to the police. I wouldn’t risk blowing your marriage up by confessing. I know a builder; old school friend and he has had so many affairs with women when doing their house. He is gross.

This is so strange. How do you end up so close to kissing, there must be some flirtation / sexual tension going on.

I’ve never randomly ended up millimetres away from kissing a tradie (except my own)

if by change I stumbled in their direction and fell on their face and he said ‘how would your DH feel etc’ I would absolutely be telling my DH how fucking odd the builder is.

Either you were flirting enough for a mutual kiss to almost have happened, or he has invaded your personal space to a point that would be justifiably sexual harassment (under (his) workplace guidance) - which of these is it? If it’s the latter then you need him out of your house. If you have been flirting and it almost got out of hand, then take the advice here: nothing happened, ride it out until he leaves. Don’t beat yourself up.

Well the truth you can tell your husband is that you were friendly to the workman, he tried to kiss you, you made it clear that that was not your intention, you shut it down and he obviously misread the signs.

I’d be inclined to tell your DH that now - or volunteer it as soon as the guy is finished if you’re worried DH will insist he doesn’t come back.

You didn’t cheat, you didn’t want to cheat, you stopped anything that looked like cheating and you won’t cheat. That’s the important and true message for your husband.

I would just ignore him, but also made stop to take some stock of the person you are vs the person you think you are because “not flirting” and “millimetres from kissing” don’t really go together. You say you’re not the sort of person that would cheat, but… aren’t you?

Because if a man I wasn’t flirting with was bold enough to get millimetres from my face I’d be telling my DH about how I was harassed and would be asking to change to a different worker. But you don’t seem keen in telling your husband.

I would be worried he would be leading up to blackmailing you. I won't be surprised if the final bill is more than you were quoted.

Next time he says it, you say, are you trying to blackmail or threaten me? If so I'm contacting the police, you came onto me and now your trying to intimidate me in my own home, Trust me he has form for this. This is not his first rodeo. BUT YOU, need to cop yourself on, and sort your marriage out, cos no one is that silly as an adult surely. If you sort of have an attraction to someone it is obvious to them, so if your marriage is good, and your husband is worth staying with then you need to figure out why you got close to them man in the first place.

I would tell your husband right now that one of the builders has been coming on to you, and leave it at that. That will entirely take the rug out from under his feet if he was to say anything and leaves him with nothing to blackmail you about.

You don't need to tell DH anything at all and it's most unlikely that this tradesman will tell him. Why would he? DH would be furious with him at least as much as with you.
However if he does say something and DH confronts you, be truthful. Say that he's been making a play for you for a long time, you were friendly in return but didn't and don't want to be unfaithful. However, it was quite seductive there was a moment when he came close and almost kissed you. At that moment you realised the man was dangerous to your marriage and your happiness so have been avoiding him every since; you just want him to go away.
I think it will be OK, OP.

Turn it back on him op. Call his bluff. And definitely keep out of his way. He is probably a man who is used to getting his own way. He doesn’t get to threaten you in your home.

Surely the best thing to do is explain to your husband what occurred and how this guy is now seemingly trying to blackmail or make you feel uncomfortable in your own home and marriage. I know my husband would be on high alert if he thought someone was in my home treating me like this. Honesty is always the best policy in my mind. I've had men make inappropriate comments towards me in the past and it feels good/secure to know my husband is in the know and we can talk about it.

OP fancied him and was flirting with him and then almost kissed him.

She has acted very inappropriately for a married person.
The only innocent person here is the husband and it’s not fair for OP to lie to him.

It’s one thing to not say anything and deny things.
But to come up with a complete lie is not ok.

Perhaps she shouldn’t have been acting inappropriately and then she wouldn’t be worried about being blackmailed for it.

Have read through some of the messages.

I don’t think I am being evasive at all.

i acknowledge my part in this. I absolutely almost kissed the man before coming to my senses. It’s not like I fell and landed by his face. Thank fuck I didn’t get carried away. He is very much not the nice guy I took him to be.

But it’s definitely not been a month of inappropriate behaviour. Absolutely not. I shouldn’t have been as friendly and as chatty as I was. I should have been honest with myself and acknowledged I was only behaving in that manner due to my attraction.

Do not say anything. He probably tries it on with most of his female clients. The creepy bastard was trying to blackmail you into sleeping with him - he has no intention of telling your husband. What would he get out of that?

However, in the extremely unlikely event that he did say something to your husband, you say 'Him? He's a creepy bastard. Why do you think I stayed out of the house until I knew he was gone every day? I didn't tell you because it was easier to just avoid him'. Not a word of a lie in that, is there?

You made a mistake. Don't beat yourself up, just don't do it again.

This is what I meant by blackmailing. Is he going to try it on with the bill now he thinks he has something to “bargain” with?

I know of a plumbing business. Two brothers. One of them hits on anything in a skirt striking lucky sometimes. His wife had no idea until one of the women contacted her. His brother has quit the business because of this family uproar.

Fast forward a couple of years apparently he's still at it

There's some scummy men.

I would not lie to your DH but I also would not openly admit it.

Nothing happened so what is he going to say - that you almost kissed?!

He’ll risk losing his job, income, reputation and relationship over an almost kiss - he’s not going to do that.

You are just panicking because you feel guilty - which is a good thing because it shows you have a conscious and wont do it again.

You said you were 'physically attracted to him' and that you were 'more friendly' than is the norm for you, and then that you were milimetres from kissing him and you said something along the lines of 'this is a mistake'.

Wow that was a close shave! I'm not surprised you are unsettled and shaken. You are not someone to flirt, or be unfaithful, but that was damn close.

Firstly, keep on doing what you are doing. Stay well away.
Give time for your current feelings of turbulence to calm a bit.
Then perhaps once all the renovation work is over and done, and the man is out of your domain, investigate having some good counselling. For yourself. Explore how and why you were thinking about being physically attracted; whether that had and link with you being more 'friendly'; and be brutally honest about how the near miss kiss came about - every single point in the lead up to it where you could have made a different decision.

It may well be uncomfortable territory as you realise that you were flirting - you were certinaly flirting with danger if you got that close.

Use this experience to understand your self and your relationship and build it. Don't destroyit with guilt or deceipt.

I doubt he'd tell your husband, too much risk of being lamped - he just wants to feel he has that power over you.

I would say to your husband that you're going into the office more now because he gives you a bit of a creepy vibe or something vague like that.

You need to stay well away from people you're attracted to in future though, or you're going to end up ruining your marriage.

She made a mistake and shes clearly very sorry and to be fair to op she stopped it before she realised what a dick he was so thats why we should cut her some slack.

If you genuinely didn’t flirt then it sounds like he set this up. I wonder if it’s to get you to pay him more? Sounds a bit made up but you never know.

Deny, deny, deny if it were me. Give him a wide birth and don’t engage in any chat in case he is recording etc. Try and avoid anyone you fancy in future if you want your marriage to last. You haven’t actually done anything relationship banding (IMO) at this point.

No. That's not what he was after. Have you really not twigged?

It was going to be a "Give me a blow job and I won't tell your husband you came on to me". Or something like that.