Almost made a mistake and being almost threatened

[Brou]

I will absolutely admit I have not behaved impeccably. I should have shut things down far sooner.

We have had someone working on our home for a month or so. I am without question physically attracted to him. But I have never cheated in my life. I just don’t have that side to me.

Usually I’m quite reserved so that sort of stops me from growing too close to acquaintances. But there was something very disarming and friendly about this person and we became much more friendlier than is the norm for me in these situations. I should have just kept my distance. But by no means have I been flirting or anything.

Somewhat recently we became very close to kissing. I mean I was actual millimetres from his face. But I have a happy marriage and a good husband. So I shut the things down and said something along the lines of this was a mistake. We did not touch.

I thought I would just avoid this individual but the other day he asked if we could talk. I thought we could be adults and say something like “look we got carried away before anything stupid happened”. And that would be it.

But in a bit of a non sequitur he said “how would your husband feel that you almost kissed another man in his home”. He said it in a very disturbing tone. Very much a power play.

I feel absolutely sick to my stomach. I really can’t stand the idea of this person playing games. He’s still got several more weeks left. I’ve been going into the office so I can avoid seeing him.

I shared this with my sister and she is adamant I absolutely should not confess anything to dh. Just to keep my head down and “ignore the prick who is bored”. Sister said I should stop the work but I’m scared he will properly start blackmailing me.

I obviously made a mistake but stopped myself. I really am torn. Should I just own up?

I have a very lovely and reasonable husband. But it really was nothing. We weren’t flirting for weeks or anything (not my nature).

I haven’t eaten properly since. What is the least bad option?

I have no idea how far this person would take things.

Would posters here be comfortable if their DH got millimetres from kissing an attractive woman working in their house because 'nothing happened'? I'd be pretty upset if my DH was being all chatty and friendly to a woman he was attracted to, to the point a kiss almost happened. Not as angry as if they did kiss for sure, but i wouldn't be just 'oh well nothing happened'.

He hasn't been recording you has he ? So very easy to do these days with any mobile phone. He certainly sounds nasty enough to do that. If you have to speak to him again do not acknowledge what happened/nearly happened, if he mentions it react as if your DH was listening, complete outrage..., 'what are you talking about?' etc He was mm s from getting something before being snatched away from him,, as he sees it.. He will be mad as a wasp , his macho pride wounded .

Erm if your marriage was that happy nothing on this earth would have made you draw closer to another man and very clearly given that other man ideas. Stop making excuses and either sort it out by confronting builder and saying huge mistakes or face up to your not happy

What a horrible man. I'd get him out now and with confidence. Don't let him have power over you.

The fact that nothing happened AND no-one else was there means he has no leg to stand on. You have to keep reassuring yourself that nothing happened, you did nothing wrong beyond being friendly. Finding someone attractive isn’t a crime!

If he does come back with anything at all you have to just turn it around: no, nothing happened, he tried to get you to kiss him and you didn’t so now he’s angry. That’s what happened. Don’t muddy the waters saying you were too friendly or too close or anything else. It will cause grief to your husband, you have to sit on these feelings. The tradesman misinterpreted your friendliness and is now trying to extract something from you- men do that all the time. He isn’t credible, and at the end of the day nothing did happened so there’s nothing for him to talk about without it sounding as if he was coercing or manipulating you into this actual situation.

Flip this narrative. 'How would my husband feel if I told him you came on to me and then tried to blackmail me when I turned you down?'

Bullies and predators rely on your feelings of guilt to get away with bad stuff. Watch out for this guy - he's nasty.

Is he a professional person or just someone you know? If he has a company etc tell him in no uncertain terms that if he says anything or threatens you again you will let people know the sort of person he is see how well he’ll take that potentially losing customers

Good point!

He’s a lech and not very nice and has probably preyed on women alone in the house before and is probably annoyed that you weren’t an easy lay. You aren’t the problem here. I’d seriously look at paying for what he’s done so far and getting someone else to finish the work ( not easy I know but better than having him around).

Threads like this with these sort of comments, make me think women cheat more than what men do.

Finding someone attractive isn't a crime, but acting on it is..and she DID act on it, by being overly chatty, friendly (possibly flirty) because she "found him attractive" to the point that th y almost kissed.

It sounds as if you’re saying that being chatty and friendly to someone is acting on attraction. If I find someone attractive should I be curt and abrupt with them? Is it my fault if my friendly demeanour leads someone to make a move, thinking I’ll reciprocate, even if that isn’t my intention?

I’d confront him when he isn’t expecting it. Say you think he’s completely misunderstood your intentions. You don’t see it as “nearly kissing” at all. That he got a bit close to you and you felt uncomfortable and didn’t know how to respond. Tell him he has two options :
A- He goes to your husband and tells him his versions of events. You’ll counter with yours. He’ll be sacked. You will be letting people know about his behaviour and how uncomfortable it made you.
B- he carries on as he is and complete his work. He’ll get a nice review at the end based on his work.

If he has sense, he’ll pick B. Don’t get into any further talking after incase he is recording. I’m not saying what you did was right, we all make mistakes, but I don’t like blackmail.

You did nothing wrong. You were just friendly.
He made a move and got into your personal space and you rejected him. He must have surprised you and you froze in the moment?
Then he twisted it with his comment and made you doubt yourself.
Now you don't feel comfortable in your own home.
I don't think you should be blaming yourself. The fact you found him attractive is irrelevant - you didn't act on it.

Does he have your keys? Could he copy them? Did you get any references for him before he started the work? Honestly I would tell my husband. If I felt a man had threatened me I wouldn’t be letting him in the house. If my husband had been flirting with a woman and then she was in my house all the time, even if he had rejected her, I would be furious. Say “I probably was flirting which I feel awful about, but when he leaned into kiss me I stood back and now he seems a bit angry and maybe threatening.” Get a new workman and get a grip on yourself.

But he has unsettled you. And in future don't flirt with other men. Being mms from someone's mouth is flirting.

Not sure why you don't understand this. Being chatty and friendly to some BECAUSE you find them attractive, and "getting close to them" to the point of being "millimeters from kiss" is the issue. But we clearly have different red lines.

🙄

Once a tradesman (fixing washing machine from makers just inside the guarantee time) unnerved me in such a way. Sensed some fear in me. I feared he might find out that we had not installed it correctly or something and I wouldn’t have a washing machine. I was a young mum washing nappies all the time, so I had been really accommodating in pleasing him, with coffee and when I had to go out asking him if he wanted anything. Anyway he saw this as weakness and started to taunt me. I was so scared. It was so bizarre. Give some people an inch, show vulnerability or fear and they will use it. It was so unlike me and I was so scared so I understand the feelings of OP. It’s horrible. It was humiliating. Unexpected and inappropriate. There was nothing sexual in my case but the the fear was still there, fear of being manipulated and controlled. Somehow boundaries had been crossed and I was being bullied. It’s about power. The man’s a psychopath, get rid as soon as possible. Bugger the building work. GEt him out of your house. Be angry he is dangerous and inappropriate. Say to him. I’m sorry I can’t find your behaviour unacceptable and no longer want you working in the house. You have to take back control. I totally believe you and trust you and see him as very dangerous. I hope you can do this.

Correction: Say to him. “I’m sorry I find your behaviour unprofessional and no longer want you working in my house as you make me feel uncomfortable. Can you please leave” if he says anything just say “don’t be ridiculous. This is why you have to leave” warn others about him on social media. He is the wrongdoer here.

This.

OP, I fully believe you didn't think you we're flirting with him.
However, in your post you clearly stated how physically attracted you were to him - which you obviously conveyed - albeit unintentionally. He picked up on it, which led to a semi-intimate moment.

He no doubt thought his luck was in. Hence, being a bit peed off that nothing came of it. To put it crudely, he now probably regards you as something of a "prick teaser."

That absolutely doesn't give him the carte blanche to speak to you in a passive aggressive/threatening manner though.
In your situation, I really wouldn't want him working in my house a moment longer.

Providing you weren't giving him the "come-on" in any other way, I would mention it to DH, and tell him your friendly manner was misconstrued. No need to divulge any further.

On a personal level,Perhaps a bit of introspection is needed here. Your husband is clearly a wonderful man by the sounds of it, but is he enough? Could there be something missing that is making you very vulnerable to this type of encounter? X

There is a chimney sweep here that women know not to be alone with - sadly chimney sweeps are in short supply so he is still in business. Word has got around on social media locally however. Might be worth asking anonymously on Facebook (without naming the guy publically) if anyone else has had similar problems with builders in your area.

This!
Good advice and carry on business as usual. Be more business like. He's not your friend. Don't worry yourself sick over this. Nothing happened. The more you dwell on this the worse it becomes in your head! Forget it and carry on!

He's just trying to pressure you into actually f*(cking him or something, like just ignore him. Your DH is never going to believe him anyway. What a horrible man.