Almost made a mistake and being almost threatened

[Brou]

I will absolutely admit I have not behaved impeccably. I should have shut things down far sooner.

We have had someone working on our home for a month or so. I am without question physically attracted to him. But I have never cheated in my life. I just don’t have that side to me.

Usually I’m quite reserved so that sort of stops me from growing too close to acquaintances. But there was something very disarming and friendly about this person and we became much more friendlier than is the norm for me in these situations. I should have just kept my distance. But by no means have I been flirting or anything.

Somewhat recently we became very close to kissing. I mean I was actual millimetres from his face. But I have a happy marriage and a good husband. So I shut the things down and said something along the lines of this was a mistake. We did not touch.

I thought I would just avoid this individual but the other day he asked if we could talk. I thought we could be adults and say something like “look we got carried away before anything stupid happened”. And that would be it.

But in a bit of a non sequitur he said “how would your husband feel that you almost kissed another man in his home”. He said it in a very disturbing tone. Very much a power play.

I feel absolutely sick to my stomach. I really can’t stand the idea of this person playing games. He’s still got several more weeks left. I’ve been going into the office so I can avoid seeing him.

I shared this with my sister and she is adamant I absolutely should not confess anything to dh. Just to keep my head down and “ignore the prick who is bored”. Sister said I should stop the work but I’m scared he will properly start blackmailing me.

I obviously made a mistake but stopped myself. I really am torn. Should I just own up?

I have a very lovely and reasonable husband. But it really was nothing. We weren’t flirting for weeks or anything (not my nature).

I haven’t eaten properly since. What is the least bad option?

I have no idea how far this person would take things.

Nothing happened though…..

nothing physical actually hapeed and if he starts I’d be saying

go for it. Nothing happened. I’m happy. Off you pop.

He sounds like a real sleaze. I bet he tries it on with all his female clients. Shrug it off. Tell your husband he makes you feel uncomfortable.

Listen, nothing happened. DO NOT EVER put yourself in this position again now you know what can happen. Men always chance their arm. LEARN FROM THIS LESSON!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

He is behaving like this because you rejected him. You've done nothing wrong, he's a creep
Just keep out of his way

Well done for not making the mistake I did!

Very similar scenario 6 years ago, except i didn't stop short of kissing. Thought I was in love. Bored of my marriage even though exh was a loving kind hard working man who pulled more than his weight at home too.

Now living in my childhood home (with mum in the garage) basically supporting my builder boyfriend and his kids. I say builder, but he decided a year or so ago he didn't like it so has been mostly fishing since, while I pay the bills.

Working on extraction, but he put his 50 grand divorce equity into my mum's house as we were close to losing it a few years ago.

Still, made my fucking bed I guess 🤷‍♂️

We weren’t flirting for weeks or anything (not my nature).

Yes, I often nearly kiss men I haven't been flirting with 🤔

And, OP, you were an idiot for telling your sister. But that damage is done.

There’s some contradiction to OP’s story. You simply do not be milimetres from your workman’s face with the possibility of nearly kissing simply by asking if he takes milk in his tea. I’ve had enough workman in my house over the years to know I have never come close to that. However, OP didn't kiss him so she can say in all honesty to her husband that nothing happened, if it comes to it.

You’re only human OP but you’ve been given an insight into how things can quickly get out of hand when flirting with someone who is not your husband. Only tea and a biscuit for workmen from now on.

What an awful response. Feel better now?

@Brou What did you say when he asked? He wasn't recording you was he?

Nothing happened. Literally nothing, you didn't touch. You didn't 'almost kiss', your faces were simply close together. Just grey rock, don't engage. If he asks you anything like this again, simply repeat 'I don't know what you're talking about' and 'Nothing has happened with you and me' and walk away.

OP didn't kiss him so she can say in all honesty to her husband that nothing happened, if it comes to it.

True, but she'll have to be prepared to explain how she came to be millimetres from his face.

Op could you explain the lead up to this near kiss? Were you chatting about something neutral or was it about your relationship/something personal? It’s hard to envisage a situation where a kiss could almost happen with no prior flirting or build up. Maybe he feels a bit rejected, who knows, just keep avoiding him. What would he gain from saying anything to your dh?

How did you go from ‘absolutely not flirting at all’ to ‘millimetres away from his face’?
Surely there was SOME flirting or you wouldn’t have ended up in this situation.
Your husband deserves to know the truth. You didn’t physically cheat but you crossed a line!

What was the scenario leading up to the aborted kiss? Is this guy pressurising you or was it more two sided?

Holy shit, I am so sorry. Feelings can be mischievous and make us do utterly bonkers things, sometimes we think we feel one thing but actually its our brain telling us something else. IE you are in love with this man but actually you are struggling in another area of your life. I have AuDHD and over my life I have developed intense obsessions. It's normal for people with neurodivergence but it can feel liek you're madly in love with someone you've only met twice. I have learned to handle it now and push it away and it goes. But god I have embarrassed myself many times (when single, never since I have been married).

I hope you get things sorted. Get that lazy bastard out of your life.

It's not that serious. Guess the guy is pissed off because he thinks you encouraged him with mild flirting.. Ignore him and forget the whole incident.

Of course, you were flirting with him; you admit to finding him physically attractive, and you don't almost kiss someone out of thin air. Yes, he's being a dick about being rejected, but you need to be honest about your part in this, if only to yourself.
If you're as on edge as you say you are, surely your husband is going to notice a change in your behaviour. What are you going to say if he asks you what the problem is?

This. Take away his power. He's not likely to actually say anything anyway. Just a bully. But men like this are usually suddenly very sheepish when they have to deal with other men.

I think you’ve had some good advice from your sister and other posters. You are dealing with the shock of something almost happening and what the guy has now said and this understandably is your current point of focus. It’s also clear you feel bad about things. But it is worth reflecting further on why it happened. You said you don’t flirt but I guess it depends on what you take this to mean as clearly some things happened to get to the point of faces being close enough to kiss etc. not saying this to upset you but that you need to work things out. Eg was it attraction? Needing someone to talk to? Excitement? No judgment from me but maybe there’s something you need that your current life doesn’t provide for. Or maybe it was just a fantasy type thing. Maybe none of the above. Just a mad moment. I very much doubt this guy will say anything, he wants to get paid for the job at the end of the day. Try not to worry x

What a horrible man. i'd get rid of him. Don't let him have power over you for a month. What a creep.

You admit to being attracted to this man, and have had conversations with him. You may not have thought you were flirting, but it's possible this man has taken your behaviour that way. To be close enough to kiss, means there must have been an intention to do so, but you saw sense and backed off. Now it maybe this guy's ego has been dented and he's lashing out, because he thought you might be up for a 'roll in the hay', and it's not turned out that way. If the worst case scenario happened and he told your husband 'you nearly kissed him', then you tell your husband that he invaded your personal space, he made you feel uncomfortable and you've made sure you're out the house when he's been working. If he did tell your husband it would purely be because his ego has been dented and he wants to 'get back at you' for making him look foolish. Don't stop him from continuing with the work, if you do, he will definitely tell your husband. Make sure you are out of the house when he's there and if you need to be at home, see if your sister can be with you. Don't be alone with him at all. Vary your routine, so don't come home the same time, in case he hangs back to wait. Unfortunately, you do have the possibility that he may stick the knife in once he's been paid. You just need to be calm, and tell your husband what I suggested above. Being married doesn't stop us from being attracted to other people, it's human nature. You didn't do anything wrong, so don't beat yourself up over it.

He sounds like he could be abusive. Its like he's blaming you for the encounter. I would let the work go on but try to stay out of the house/busy/have someone else over. Try not to talk to him unless someone else is there if possible. Or record any phone calls

Own up? To what? You said no kiss happened. You are clearly bored and you need to either increase your workload or find a hobby, as you said your marriage is v.good.

I would respond to him. I would say ‘you can’t almost kiss someone. I assume you’re referring too the time where that opportunity presented itself and I declined? I don’t think my husband would care much about that non event’!

I would show this exchange to my DH if it ever came to it, as backup that nothing happened and you thought nothing of it.

Just ignore him then

"On my life I wouldn’t classify it as flirting. Just being friendly."

Being friendly doesn't usually involve almost snogging the builder. You sound pretty immature OP. I feel sorry for your DH. But my advice is don't tell him. Apart from the obvious upset you'll cause him, he might just go and lump the hunk and end up in court.