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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DP has walked out on me due to his MH. Help!

236 replies

Canwerecover · 21/11/2025 23:21

I’m looking for advice and insight, and have name changed in case it is outing.

Together for 11 years, not married and no children, but I have a DC from my previous marriage. Have a mortgage together, house in joint names.

Two and a half weeks ago, DP broke down in tears and told me he is feeling really low. I encouraged him to see the GP and he was put on antidepressants and given links for talking therapy. He also has excellent and speedy access to support via his work.

DP has been taking the medication for two weeks, but he has not taken up the additional support offered. He can’t give me a reason for not accepting the help offered.

Our relationship is generally very good, we get along well, have a lovely home, lots of friends locally and I love doing life with him. I knew something wasn’t right (for about four weeks) and despite checking in regularly, he wouldn’t open up until that night when he broke down in tears.

I have been nothing but supportive, understanding and loving, with no demands, but this week has been hard. Tonight he was very distressed and told me he can’t be with me anymore. He’s left to stay in a hotel. He is adamant there is no one else
and I believe him.

The depression is seemingly a culmination of lots of things, he is negative about everything and is unable to see any positives yet there are many in his life. He cannot find joy in anything and has lost his spark. He has never felt this way before, apparently, but I have discovered that there is a family history. He is mid 50’s.

I don’t know what to feel. He is not himself, he is very unwell mentally and I don’t recognise him at the moment. Has anyone experienced this and is willing to share the outcome? I am preparing for the worst if I am honest.

OP posts:
SquareHead37 · 22/11/2025 00:07

Sorry to be cynical but I would strongly suspect an ow regardless of what he says.

DelphiniumBlue · 22/11/2025 01:59

I agree, he’s feeling bad because he’s cheating and feels conflicted, but he’s doing it anyway.

rainbowsinheaven · 22/11/2025 03:31

The script I’m afraid OP

BananaMilkshake77 · 22/11/2025 03:33

Sorry it does seem abit suss. My DP struggles with MH but he seeks help each time he gets in abit of a slump. Leans on me for support.
The way he has upped sticks so quick isn't right.

NOTANUM · 22/11/2025 03:49

I’m also in the suspicious camp. People with depression usually struggle to make decisions so just leaving abruptly is unusual.

Keroppi · 22/11/2025 03:59

You can't go through his emails or anything remotely to investigate? I am suspicious too of an affair

It's strange that he would want to leave if so depressed and wanting to isolate - you'd think he would stay at home. Or if he didn't feel safe or there was a risk of him trying to complete suicide he wouldn't go to a hotel to do so? Or wouldn't tell you

If he is not answering you or tells you he doesn't feel safe then perhaps a wellness check from police ..

Original poster
Canwerecover · 22/11/2025 05:06

Thank you for the responses. Maybe it is the script, but in the absence of any evidence I feel I have to believe him when he tells me there is no-one else.

When he left last night, he didn’t have a plan beyond one night in a hotel. I don’t know what today will bring, but I expect to see him at some point this morning to collect more personal belongings I guess.

I agree that depression doesn’t usually present itself like this. I feel that he is very good at masking though. I have had depression once, it was work related, and I struggled to leave the house and perform the simplest of tasks. I was medicated for approximately four weeks, it was enough to pull me out of a dark place and I had to also put in a lot of effort to change my mindset and focus on every positive possible to win what felt like a war in my head.

With my DP it seems as though he can put on a front, but he is not himself at all and is consumed with negative thoughts.

OP posts:
Skibbidirizzohio · 22/11/2025 05:22

Sorry OP but I’m another one that thinks this is suspicious. Do you know what hotel he’s at? I’d be tempted to check that he’s staying where he’s said he is.

TheThingOnTheIce · 22/11/2025 05:23

Sorry op but not once in my decades on mn have I seen I thread start like this and there not be another woman

the thing is he probably is somewhat depressed and anxious etc as having an affair must be pretty stressful in the hiding it stage

PatheticDistraction · 22/11/2025 05:29

I have a thread about this recently - as 4 men close to me have done this exact thing & all had an OW I'm afraid. As a previous poster said, he's feeling conflicted. I'm sorry - I would prepare for this x

Original poster
Canwerecover · 22/11/2025 05:34

Skibbidirizzohio · 22/11/2025 05:22

Sorry OP but I’m another one that thinks this is suspicious. Do you know what hotel he’s at? I’d be tempted to check that he’s staying where he’s said he is.

Yes, he booked the hotel in front of me and it’s a five minute drive from home. I could drive over and look for his car, which I am certain I will find.

I genuinely don’t know when he would have time for an affair, he’s not been on his phone any more than usual. If there is an OW, it could be a colleague but there’s been no mentionitis that stands out and he’s not long changed jobs (internal promotion).

OP posts:
LadyMinerva · 22/11/2025 05:40

Just to play devils advocate, please encourage him to see the GP to check hormone levels, etc. Men get their own type of 'menopause' where their testosterone can get low amongst other issues. I have seen this a few times with friends and colleagues, all mid 50's. They've all come out the other side with their marriages intact and stronger than ever.

MrsPrendergast · 22/11/2025 05:49

When you say you are preparing for the worst, I assume you mean that you're worried he's going to kill himself. He shouldn't be on his own, in this case. If I were you I'd go straight over to the hotel now and check on him.

I find it strange that he's so deeply unwell but won't accept the help offered from work and the GP. This could indicate that he doesn't feel worthy enough

He obviously needs a LOT of help. Please check on him immediately , OP

katzman · 22/11/2025 06:18

God, why are you women so eager to damn the man into affair territory. If he’s 5 minutes from home he’s hardly likely to be meeting his affair there. And why does it have to be a woman if he was? Could be a man. Jeez …

Original poster
Canwerecover · 22/11/2025 06:28

MrsPrendergast · 22/11/2025 05:49

When you say you are preparing for the worst, I assume you mean that you're worried he's going to kill himself. He shouldn't be on his own, in this case. If I were you I'd go straight over to the hotel now and check on him.

I find it strange that he's so deeply unwell but won't accept the help offered from work and the GP. This could indicate that he doesn't feel worthy enough

He obviously needs a LOT of help. Please check on him immediately , OP

No, I have asked him if he has any suicidal thoughts/ideation or a plan and he has consistently said no.

Preparing for the worst is more about me accepting the relationship is over and it’s unlikely he will have an epiphany or suddenly feel like his old self and come running home.

OP posts:
Original poster
Canwerecover · 22/11/2025 06:31

LadyMinerva · 22/11/2025 05:40

Just to play devils advocate, please encourage him to see the GP to check hormone levels, etc. Men get their own type of 'menopause' where their testosterone can get low amongst other issues. I have seen this a few times with friends and colleagues, all mid 50's. They've all come out the other side with their marriages intact and stronger than ever.

I have suggested this. I also encouraged him to take Vitamin D as he appears to be very affected by the sudden change in seasons. He has told me this is one of the many reasons that he feels so low at the moment. I will see if he can request a blood test when he returns to the GP for a review

OP posts:
MrsPrendergast · 22/11/2025 06:32

Canwerecover · 22/11/2025 06:28

No, I have asked him if he has any suicidal thoughts/ideation or a plan and he has consistently said no.

Preparing for the worst is more about me accepting the relationship is over and it’s unlikely he will have an epiphany or suddenly feel like his old self and come running home.

Show quote history

OK. That's good re suicide. My next question is ....and sorry if I've missed this....

After only a few weeks of his depression, why do you feel that the relationship might end?

MayaPinion · 22/11/2025 06:37

This happened to my ex - almost exactly. Turned out he’d been meeting men for sex. Ask yourself why he could feel the need to go to a hotel for one night while in the throes of depression. It doesn’t make sense.

Original poster
Canwerecover · 22/11/2025 06:54

MrsPrendergast · 22/11/2025 06:32

OK. That's good re suicide. My next question is ....and sorry if I've missed this....

After only a few weeks of his depression, why do you feel that the relationship might end?

Show quote history

Simply because last night he told me he doesn’t want to be with me anymore. It’s catastrophic for us both financially (we live in an expensive area of the country) but the negative thoughts he has, about every facet of his life, are ruling his head at the moment.

OP posts:
Luna6 · 22/11/2025 06:56

During my deepest depths of depression I never once thought about leaving my partner. If anything I leaned on him more. It does seem suspicious.

Pricelessadvice · 22/11/2025 06:59

That’s almost word for word what my friends husband said last year.
Turns out there was someone else.

A lot of blokes throw the MH and suicidal card out to cover the real issue.

Rafting2022 · 22/11/2025 07:01

You need to start looking for evidence of an affair OP.

TheThingOnTheIce · 22/11/2025 07:03

Rafting2022 · 22/11/2025 07:01

You need to start looking for evidence of an affair OP.

I don’t think she needs evidence
he’s already left
she needs to get her ducks in a row
but also mentally prepare for there being someone else

Original poster
Canwerecover · 22/11/2025 07:11

MayaPinion · 22/11/2025 06:37

This happened to my ex - almost exactly. Turned out he’d been meeting men for sex. Ask yourself why he could feel the need to go to a hotel for one night while in the throes of depression. It doesn’t make sense.

That’s awful, I am so sorry and I hope you are doing okay now.

I guess anything is possible right now and I should remain open minded

OP posts:
PurpleFlower1983 · 22/11/2025 07:13

Sounds like the script. I suspect there will be another woman or another man.

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