Married to someone with Asperger’s/ASD/ND: support thread 17

[SpecialMangeTout3]

New thread.
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This thread is for those of us seeking to explore the dynamics of long term relationships with our ND partners. Some of us are ND ourselves, very many of us have ND children. It is a support thread, and a safe space, it does get emotional at times. Avoid sweeping generalisations if possible, try and keep it specific to you and your partner.
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It's complicated and it's emotional.
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The old thread is here.
https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/5355546-married-to-someone-with-aspergersasdnd-support-thread-16?page=10&reply=148665446

Staying with men like this is never a better option. The only acceptable level of abuse is no abuse. I think autism is a massive red herring in lots of these stories. We aren’t talking about autistic traits we are talking about abusive men. Getting hung up on autism etc is making the act of leaving take too long. It’s not negotiable. Many women on here are literally battered down abuse victims accepting terrible behaviour in the name of autism. Some of these stories about husbands not giving a shit about how their children feel is so awful. Many people need the guidance of womens aid to help them leave.

@Echobelly how are things going your way? Have you found a way to talk to your dh (and dc?)?

Not really. Like forever just don't really talk about it for both of us worrying it'll blow up again. I've tried to prepare DH for the fact that DS will probably freeze up on English Lit exam this week and he seemed to hear me and accept that. But I don't know if it has. I will at least ensure both of them takes his meds on exam day, as it didn't help last time that DH was both exhausted and had forgotten his meds. That didn't make what happened ok, but if that scenario can be avoided this week, it will help.

I think DS just doesn't 'get' Eng Lit essays at all, it feels to me like in Y2 when I could see maths and numbers just didn't mean anything to him (and l was correct in predicting he'd 'get it' later). DH does accept that Lit is a low priority focus overall but I still worry he'll have difficulty accepting if DS can't do it.

I actually think now the writing difficulties are more of an ADHD thing and maybe less about DH's responses as it looks like this difficulty is very common. It requires so much executive function that he doesn't have.

I have thought of talking to DH about sort of where his beliefs come from about things. My response if I'm worried about something is to look it up and find out if my concerns have any basis. Am I sometimes guilty of looking for stuff that paints things in their most encouraging light? Probably. But his just seem to come from his feelings and fears

I have thought of talking to DH about sort of where his beliefs come from about things. My response if I'm worried about something is to look it up and find out if my concerns have any basis. Am I sometimes guilty of looking for stuff that paints things in their most encouraging light? Probably.

From what you said, it sounds like,when shit hilts the fan, you do the same than me. You research, read, try to understand what’s going on and find the best way to approach things.
i wouldn’t call that ‘looking for the most positive spin’ but rather being quite pragmatic and looking for what works and why.

You said you had found stuff about ADHD and the link to the issues your ds is experiencing. Did you find if certain approaches work better than others? I’m wondering if an ND aware tutor could support him using those specific techniques iyswim.

We had a difficult but good session with therapist today where I got to raise my idea that he really should actually lookat resources even if for no other reason that it could help him get less wound up if he can see evidence that some things are issues of ADHD and not deliberate 'behaviours' or choices. He says he wants to set aside some time at the weekend to look at things and admitted I have asked him to look at his stuff and he hasn't.

I've looked at techniques but I'll admit I find it so hard to have the time and energy to apply consistently. I'm not a teacher, I'm not patient and I'm not good at knowing when to hang back and when to intervene.

Why are you doing all the work? Your DH does not appear to have the same investment as you. I don’t think by the sounds of it he sees any issues with his own behaviour. If he did and he saw the damage he would be taking the lead. He is an adult and he is responsible for his behaviour and responsible for learning and researching and actioning change as we all are. It may not be his fault and some may be down to his disability but still he is responsible for it. Same applies for trauma, it’s not the persons fault but they are responsible for their behaviour because of it.

It is his responsibility to not hurt his son. It’s is always our responsibility to not hurt others, intentionally or not.

That isn't strictly fair - he has been immensely invested with DS, and has done a lot more learning support, some of it very effective, to help DS with the subjects he is knowledgeable in. Unfortunately he wasn't always good at walking away when he started to get wound up when DS got stuck or couldn't remember things he'd just been told. I've been more in the 'crossing my fingers and hoping things click with DS' school of thought and done some more occasional help.

Right now he is stepping back at mine and therapist's request to allow things to calm down a bit. As it is, maths and science, the two main areas DH can help in (and I can't at all) are some of DS's better subjects because they are 'closed question'. I am trying to do what I can to get past the block with essay subjects, which is an area I can at least try to help with although it's much harder than closed-question areas.

And then, when people are unable to do that, maybe because they lack self awareness to realise they are hurting their child, or they don’t have the ability to change etc…. (which isn’t an ND issue. Many NT have a similar problem), then the next best step is for the other parent to protect the child.

And no, a divorce doesn’t always solve the issue. A father should see their dc and the pattern will continue then.

Unless they get some insight. Which is exactly what @Echobelly is trying to do.

When a parent NT/ND lacks the self awareness to realise they are hurting their child then it’s up to the safe parent to remove the child. To go to court and to put whatever safe measures in place. I don’t think there is a single person who would ever advocate staying with someone who hurts their child or who lacks the self awareness. The other parent can work on themselves if they want to. But the child would have a safe home at least half the time. Somewhere where minimum 50% of the time their nervous system could step down a little. The safe parent can then instead of managing the other parent and spending their time trying solve their issues they can work on their own nervous system and that of the child. Health improves, reduces the risk of stress induced sickness etc.

Leaving does not fix the problem, yeah the other parent will inevitably get access. But life changes so much when you are not with an adult you have to manage. It is crazy the amount of headspace and time we give them at detriment to ourselves and kids. Just my opinion though.

It takes over your life and that of your kids. It becomes all that’s talked about, it’s consuming.

How much of a child’s nervous system is acceptable to mess up whilst you wait how many years for your partner to gain insight? I am coming at this from the position of a child whose parents destroyed my nervous system and messed up my life. (Until I reached breaking point and discovered what had happened). How much grace do you give a partner over a child? How are we going to feel as parents 10/20 years down the line and our adult children are in therapy trying to heal from their childhood. I don’t know how to make someone have insight but being ND myself I would be ashamed of myself if my kids needed therapy because of me, I would have failed as a parent and a human. It should be enough that this is a possibility to change your behaviour. The lack of empathy is a HUGE red flag, it’s not effecting change.